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Passions in Poetry

Do you ever?

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SunShine913
Deputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member
since 08-19-2001
Posts 353
Italy but from NC


0 posted 11-15-2001 09:13 PM       View Profile for SunShine913   Email SunShine913   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions   Click to visit SunShine913's Home Page   View IP for SunShine913


Do you ever think of me
Or smell the scent of my perfume
Then feel a smile come to your lips
While it lingers in the room?

Do you ever miss me
And wish that I was there
Making wonderful love all night
Out in the nighttime air?

Do you ever look up at the stars
Wondering if I'm looking at them, too
Then make a wish upon one of them
That I was there with you?

Do you ever cry with sadness
'Cuz I left this earth too soon
Do I bring you wonderful memories
As you stare up at the moon?

Do you ever feel cheated
For not doing all we planned to do
And did I make you happy enough
During the little time I had with you?

Just know I am always with you
Don't ever forget that- please!
And that it's my lips kissing you
Every time you feel a gentle breeze.

            *!~!* Andrea *!~!*    

© Copyright 2001 Andrea L. Figueroa - All Rights Reserved
aries_luv_ppl
Senior Member
since 09-20-2001
Posts 1479
Universal Mind


1 posted 11-15-2001 11:07 PM       View Profile for aries_luv_ppl   Email aries_luv_ppl   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit aries_luv_ppl's Home Page   View IP for aries_luv_ppl

Nice=)

Lizzy Vivian

~A little sour add to taste of life.
~The first two cup of tea is to throw away; what remains is the best of all.
~Blessed are those who find ordina

dreamer1 12 5 24
Member
since 12-11-2000
Posts 172
crossing between


2 posted 11-16-2001 07:57 PM       View Profile for dreamer1 12 5 24   Email dreamer1 12 5 24   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for dreamer1 12 5 24

I like the poem, I thought it was well written, I just wanted to suggest removing the comma in the line

"Wondering if I'm looking at them, too"

Other than that, I enjoyed it.

The day is brighter, but the dawn is sweetest.

hush
Senior Member
since 05-27-2001
Posts 1693
Ohio, USA


3 posted 11-19-2001 10:49 PM       View Profile for hush   Email hush   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for hush

This has a sweet flow, but I think it's too universal. Specifics might make it apply a little less directly to everyone... and that's a good thing.

Personalize this some. You describe memories that are common to many couples- tell us what makes it so special between these two particular people. Also, a little information about how the speaker died would be very enlightening and helpful to the reader.

"this is not who I meant to be
this is not how I meant to feel" -Ani DiFranco

Tony Di Bart
Member
since 01-26-2000
Posts 163
Toronto, Canada


4 posted 12-10-2001 09:57 PM       View Profile for Tony Di Bart   Email Tony Di Bart   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Tony Di Bart

Hello

The last two lines where great. THe rest of it is a little to mushy for me.  I need a little more meat in each line.  Dig deeper into the lonliness and the missing. Why, where did he go? I get you died... maybe, but then suck me into your post mortem lonliness.

thanks see ya  

It was nice

[This message has been edited by Tony Di Bart (edited 12-10-2001).]

Not A Poet
Member Elite
since 11-03-1999
Posts 4427
Oklahoma, USA


5 posted 12-11-2001 05:49 PM       View Profile for Not A Poet   Email Not A Poet   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Not A Poet's Home Page   View IP for Not A Poet

Hi Andrea,

I think it is pretty nice. A little universal, perhaps and a little too sweet too. But there is plenty of room for that in poetry. You have a couple of places where the rhyme seems a little forced and a couple of lines which break rhythm perhaps. Then there are a couple of lines which seem a little too "hallmarkish." I know we use that cliche too much but if you study it after a few days, I think you will see what I mean. I do think you have a good start here and would like to see a revision.

Thanks,
Pete
strbbux
Member Elite
since 12-19-2001
Posts 3975


6 posted 12-21-2001 03:17 PM       View Profile for strbbux   Email strbbux   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for strbbux

From one woman to another, I think this was really nice, a nice poem. Soft. strbbux
Marq
Member
since 10-18-1999
Posts 231


7 posted 12-21-2001 09:01 PM       View Profile for Marq   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Marq

When you go to Italy perhaps the spirit of Ezra Pound will be upon you and you will do marvelous things in the way of poetry!

You show a lot of promise here!
shoffswife
Junior Member
since 12-23-2001
Posts 39
KY, US


8 posted 12-23-2001 02:37 AM       View Profile for shoffswife   Email shoffswife   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for shoffswife

awesome poem.  I loved the last two lines.  I agree with the others, what happened to the speaker?  
Englishpoet
Member
since 12-18-2001
Posts 54
Birmingham, England


9 posted 12-24-2001 10:54 AM       View Profile for Englishpoet   Email Englishpoet   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Englishpoet's Home Page   View IP for Englishpoet

Dear Andrea
You have said it all - and so wonderfully. An awesome poem that we all can relate to. Well done.

I too like the last two lines. It brought a simle to my face - and could taste the lips on the breeze.

Good one. Clearly from the heart.
Asif

lizzyluv
Member
since 12-27-2001
Posts 53
nh, usa. we suck.


10 posted 12-27-2001 10:08 PM       View Profile for lizzyluv   Email lizzyluv   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for lizzyluv

hmmm, there are quite a few things i'd like to say. this was far too broad. there were no specific details. this could've been almost any couple. did you really die? are you simply dead to them? you need to strip away the sugar-cliches and play w/the bare bones of this one. it'll be fun. you could get a lot more out of it.

"everyone is broken by something they love and worship"- Francesca Lia Block
*lizzy*

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