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Passions in Poetry

All I ever knew of love (was in the drawer full of drugs)

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hush
Senior Member
since 05-27-2001
Posts 1693
Ohio, USA


0 posted 11-13-2001 11:00 PM       View Profile for hush   Email hush   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions  View IP for hush

Her morning breath
is soiled hospital linens.
Fingertips are gauze.
I cup her cheeks with my eyes
but only see the flaws.

And a drawer full of medication
canít pill away the ills
of dependence loneliness and melancholy.
A hundred empty bottles,
a million unpaid bills,
looming credit debt second mortgage
and sheís stealing from my future-
She canít survive without the frills.

Yeah, weíve got cable TV and two cars-
I sleep in a warm waterbed
and listen to my favorite songs
real loud on my gadgety stereo.
We buy name brand food
and new appliances
and all the drugs she could ever want
to barely survive on.

Spiders lay eggs in the corners of her mouth.
Her sallow lips are hard.
Belly soft and unremitting lard
too big to suck in
too sore to hide away
her back canít bear the terrible pressure
her body canít hide her soulís composure.

"this is not who I meant to be
this is not how I meant to feel" -Ani DiFranco

© Copyright 2001 hush - All Rights Reserved
Pell
Member
since 09-16-2001
Posts 137
Pacific NW


1 posted 11-23-2001 08:06 PM       View Profile for Pell   Email Pell   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Pell

Hi there hush  
In my limited experience and wisdom, I`ll try to give you my take on this piece.

First of all, I really like the descriptions in the first part;

"Her morning breath
is soiled hospital linens.
Fingertips are gauze.
I cup her cheeks with my eyes
but only see the flaws."

and in this line;

"Spiders lay eggs in the corners of her mouth."
They evoked a disconcerting, uncomfortable feeling in me, as I think is intended in this case.

The 2nd and 3rd paragraphs(term?) seem slightly stuffed between the first and last ones style-wise, kind of like a tuna and peanut butter sandwich   I like tuna and peanut butter on their own, but my taste buds would stumble over such a combination, as did my attention. A transition issue maybe.

mm...all I can come up with at the moment, I did enjoy the read in any case.

good luck!  

[This message has been edited by Pell (edited 11-23-2001).]

Tony Di Bart
Member
since 01-26-2000
Posts 163
Toronto, Canada


2 posted 12-10-2001 09:51 PM       View Profile for Tony Di Bart   Email Tony Di Bart   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Tony Di Bart

Hello

I loved the ideas in this peice.  Great opening but as soon as I hit "of dependence loneliness and melancholy." I started to slip away.

I think if you reworked and tweeked just a little this one would floor me.

Not A Poet
Member Elite
since 11-03-1999
Posts 4427
Oklahoma, USA


3 posted 12-11-2001 05:41 PM       View Profile for Not A Poet   Email Not A Poet   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Not A Poet's Home Page   View IP for Not A Poet

Hi Hush,

I too was taken in by the beginning. It gave overall a too depressing image. I know that can be as important as any other poetic message but just not my favorite. I didn't like the spiders laying eggs line. It was catchy and colorful but just a little over the top, so to speak. I felt like it was an important piece but maybe should be toned down a bit. Of course, it might lose its impact and become just another poem then.

Thanks,
Pete
hush
Senior Member
since 05-27-2001
Posts 1693
Ohio, USA


4 posted 12-15-2001 01:05 AM       View Profile for hush   Email hush   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for hush

Maybe I should explain the bit about the spider eggs? I wanted to give a repelling description of the white gunky buildup that forms in the corners of a person's mouth when it's dry or cottony... maybe if I removed the spider's actual laying and just described a spider's nest as being there, it would be a little clearer or less over the top? I'm not sure.

"we are all citizens of the womb before we subdivide
into shades and sexes- this side, that side" -Ani DiFranco

Duncan
Member Ascendant
since 08-07-2001
Posts 5716


5 posted 12-15-2001 07:18 PM       View Profile for Duncan   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Duncan

I read this poem shortly after you posted it...thinking it most impressive.  I suspected the spider egg was a reference to what you then clarified, though it may not be clear to some.  You have described this scenario remarkably well.  
strbbux
Member Elite
since 12-19-2001
Posts 3975


6 posted 12-19-2001 01:09 PM       View Profile for strbbux   Email strbbux   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for strbbux

I happen to like expressive poetry and I see the sadness in this piece.. well done. strbbux
Englishpoet
Member
since 12-18-2001
Posts 54
Birmingham, England


7 posted 12-19-2001 11:51 PM       View Profile for Englishpoet   Email Englishpoet   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Englishpoet's Home Page   View IP for Englishpoet

Hi Hush
The beginning is perfect. this is a vivid and expressive poem. Middle isa good - keeps the reader wanting to read on. But I think you need to revist the ending.
Best wishes
Asif (Englishpoet)
Englishpoet
Member
since 12-18-2001
Posts 54
Birmingham, England


8 posted 12-19-2001 11:54 PM       View Profile for Englishpoet   Email Englishpoet   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Englishpoet's Home Page   View IP for Englishpoet

Hi

Just had a thought how you could end this poem.

"this is not who I meant to be
this is what I come to feel"

What do you think?

rich-pa
Member
since 02-07-2000
Posts 325
New Orleans, Louisiana


9 posted 12-20-2001 08:35 PM       View Profile for rich-pa   Email rich-pa   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for rich-pa

hi hush!  how ya been,long time no see, as always i love yer poetry...i really dig the social commentary entailed in this poem, makes me remember why i'm a poet,i really like how the second stanza is different than the first ...it kinda has a stream of consciousness kinda feel to it and i dig that...hmmm, it's cool, vivid imagery too.

"freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose..."  -janis joplin

 
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