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Critical Analysis #1
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The Beginning of an End of a Skit
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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The Beginning of an End of a Skit |
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aries_luv_ppl Senior Member
since 2001-09-20
Posts 1448Universal Mind 
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When the first tumult of spring was over, It just marked the beginning of the dance, Whenever I looked in the eyes, I felt the joy, And who would have guess we would meet. Whenever our eyes met, we glanced at each other As though we never missed a moment of glimpsing the other. The meeting of you at the bus stop, Hit the climax of the show. Just like the trailer of the skit, We met again when we last expected. You couldn’t have guess my feeling, All the pain and joy rushed to my mind. How we were so lucky in this meeting, However close the curtain of fate. *Any comments are welcome.* Luv, Lizzy Vivian http://members.home.com/home0/ |
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| © Copyright 2001 Eliza Simmons - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Songbird Member Elite
since 1999-12-15
Posts 2184Missouri |
Welcome to PIP. I am not sure how I could help you with this poem, I do think it needs a little work, but I don't think I am qualified to give it. I read a lot of your poems on your website and you really have some beautiful ones there that I really enjoyed. I don't come in Critical Forums very often, but I would encourage you to post some of your other poems in Spiritual Forums and the Pub or open forum..that is usually where I go. Will be looking for more of your poems. |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hello Lizzy Vivian, I don't have a lot of help for you here but I see you are new to CA and I did want to welcome you. Check your email. I would suggest that you proofread a little more carefully before posting. Be a little more careful of verb tense consistency and punctuation. Here a a few examples of what appear to be mistakes in this poem. 1. The comma at the end of line 1 would be better omitted and the one at the end of line 2 would be better as a semicolon. 2. In line 4, guess should be guessed. 3. In line 4 you used we meet then in line 5 you used our eyes met. That seems to put meet and met too close together. 4. Similarly in line 5 you have glanced then in line 6, glimpsed. Again that is really the same word and is repeated too close. 5. The comma at the end of line 7 must go. 6. In line 10, it looks like last should be least. 7. In line 11, guess should be guessed and the comma at the end could be a semicolon although I could overlook the comma. 8. The period at the end of line 12 makes the remaining 2 lines an incomplete sentence. It needs to be a comma, or my preference at that point would be two dashes. 9. Finally, I think the last 2 lines were supposed to be one idea. The comma separating them, however, makes it read more like two distinct items in a list. Unless that really was your intent, I think you should just drop that comma also. Well, all this is just one opinion. Thanks for sharing and keep them coming. Pete |
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aries_luv_ppl Senior Member
since 2001-09-20
Posts 1448Universal Mind |
Thanks Pete. I'm watch out my verb tense more. I always have trouble with grammer. I'm not great in English. How much I wish it is my first language! Love, |
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Irish Rose Member Patricius
since 2000-04-06
Posts 10263 |
I would lose the word "dance" as it threw me from the theatre metaphor  Kathleen |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
I thought that English might not be your first language. I know that must make writing English poetry particularly difficult. Especially with that being the case, I think you are doing very well. Keep writing and submitting. We will try to help. I might also suggest you look into the Poetry Workshop forum as an additional aid, if you haven't already done so. Pete |
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