How to Join Member's Area Private Library Search Today's Topics p Login
Main Forums Discussion Tech Talk Mature Content Archives
   Nav Win
 Archives
 Critical Analysis #1 Archive
 untitled, needs a lot of work
 1 2 3 4 5 6 7
Follow us on Facebook

 This is an Archive. You may post a reply, but new topics are not allowed.

 
User Options
Format for Better Printing EMail to a Friend Create a Greeting Card with this Poem
Admin Print Send ECard
Passions in Poetry

untitled, needs a lot of work

 Post A Reply   Go to the Next Oldest/Previous Topic Return to Topic Page Go to the Next Newest Topic 
hush
Senior Member
since 05-27-2001
Posts 1693
Ohio, USA


0 posted 11-03-2001 11:16 AM       View Profile for hush   Email hush   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions  View IP for hush

I am posting this almost unaltered from the first draft version.... not because I think the draft is very good... it's not... but it has potential, and I couldn't seem to focus my thoughts and words enough to bring that out.... my editing attempts just muddled what I was trying to say even more. So... please, any suggestions on how I could clarify, strengthen, or play up on this idea while improving the presentation would be very greatly appreciated.

---

The sky glares down and we wonder why-
We search endlessly for the right words to describe its grey face,
shapelessly shifting
in constant motion.
Then one day while every lackluster student under the clouds is gazing out the window, trying to figure out why they even get out of bed in the morning,
The sky gets pissed.

It scowls and snarls,
opens its creaking mouth,
revealing the horror of the unknown,
and asks in a voice that drives everyone so hopelessly insane they could never answer, even if they tried
Why we always stare at it,
Why we plead, pray, and implore the heavens,
Why we must lay all our problems up there, dusted under the rug of the stars
until all that’s left is a dreary layer of water molecules and dusk;
Why we always have the highest expectations,
Why we just assume the atmosphere has all the answers,
Why we throw the responsibility of our gods up into nothing more than a big blue gaping abyss and anticipate a reaction,
Why we always search there for guidance-
It asks if we see a PhD on any walls
or if we see any walls
besides the ones we tried to erect around it with out high hopes and definitions.
It tells us to search the ground at our feet
the oceans and sidewalks and information highways we’ve already built-
It tells us it will not be conquered and ruined.

All the dreamers, stargazers and sages, poets and painters and hope-filled children rock back and forth in an induced state of autism-
Still shocked they look up just in time to see a frenzy of red
As the sky slits its wrists and melts away.
© Copyright 2001 hush - All Rights Reserved
warmhrt
Senior Member
since 12-18-1999
Posts 1566


1 posted 11-03-2001 12:31 PM       View Profile for warmhrt   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for warmhrt

hush,

I'm short on time...a quick response. I loved the poem from the 12th line on, but feel you could do something other than have "why" start so many lines. The first 12 lines need a lot of work, IMHO. I didn't care for the imagery presented...something a bit more subtle, maybe. (How can a grey sky 'glare'?)

As far as the presentation goes, a prose-like format would work, I think, with lines of varied length(not too long)...centered.

Just some quick ideas...hope they help,
Kris

"It is wisdom to know others;
It is enlightenment to know one's self" - Lao Tzu

silent whispers
Junior Member
since 07-07-2001
Posts 40
Alaska


2 posted 11-06-2001 05:32 AM       View Profile for silent whispers   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for silent whispers

These are just my opinions on your poem and can be taken or left. I'm new at this so I might be off on a few things.

The sky glares down and we wonder why-
*** The personification here does seem to work well with the next lines***
We search endlessly for the right words to describe its grey face,
*** grey face doesn't seem to work***
shapelessly shifting (bring up)in constant motion.
Then one day while every lackluster student under the clouds/ is gazing out the window, trying to figure out/ why they even get out of bed in the morning,
The sky gets pissed.
*** might not be a cliche but sounds like one at this point in the poem***

It scowls and snarls,
opens its creaking mouth,
revealing the horror of the unknown,
and asks in a voice that drives everyone so hopelessly insane/ they could never answer, even if they tried.
Why we always stare at it,
plead, pray, and implore the heavens,
Why we must lay all our problems up there, dusted under the rug of the stars
until all that’s left is a dreary layer of water molecules and dusk;
Why we always have the highest expectations.
We just assume the atmosphere has all the answers,
throw the responsibility of our gods up into nothing more/ than a big blue gaping abyss and anticipate a reaction,
[Why we always search there for guidance-
It asks if we see a PhD on any walls
or if we see any walls]
***This art doesn't work for me the way it is. Try rephrasing it maybe, not sure.***
besides the ones we tried to erect around it with out high hopes and definitions.
It tells us to search the ground at our feet,
the oceans and sidewalks and information highways we’ve already built-
It tells us it will not be conquered and ruined.
*** Try to cut back on the number of times you use the word it. True there are only 7 in this stanza, but different discriptive words instead might help***

All the dreamers, stargazers and sages, poets and painters and hope-filled children rock back and forth in an induced state of autism- *** Not sure where to suggest shortening this line, but should be shortened to match the rest***
Still shocked they look up just in time to see a frenzy of red
As the sky slits its wrists and melts away.
Marq
Member
since 10-18-1999
Posts 231


3 posted 11-11-2001 05:28 PM       View Profile for Marq   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Marq

I didn't think the last stanza was the clincher it could have been, but I liked this a lot.  You obviously know how to write poetry so when you say 'this needs a lot of work' I think you must be putting us on or you have enormously high expectations of yourself.

All the best!
Jericha Satchel
Junior Member
since 11-04-2001
Posts 11


4 posted 11-12-2001 05:36 AM       View Profile for Jericha Satchel   Email Jericha Satchel   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Jericha Satchel

Hush is not a low expectation poet.
strbbux
Member Elite
since 12-19-2001
Posts 3975


5 posted 12-23-2001 08:11 PM       View Profile for strbbux   Email strbbux   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for strbbux

This is a very nice poem I love the expression. I agree with maybe not having the why's maybe just one why, and then the lines of questions
and shortening the lines and centering the poem. I do like this a lot. strbbux





[This message has been edited by strbbux (12-23-2001 09:01 PM).]

strbbux
Member Elite
since 12-19-2001
Posts 3975


6 posted 12-23-2001 08:22 PM       View Profile for strbbux   Email strbbux   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for strbbux

I like this poem very much, I would like to see the finished version. strbbux

[This message has been edited by strbbux (12-23-2001 09:02 PM).]

rich-pa
Member
since 02-07-2000
Posts 325
New Orleans, Louisiana


7 posted 12-24-2001 12:23 AM       View Profile for rich-pa   Email rich-pa   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for rich-pa

hey hush, i think the one thing i would change with this would be the format, it flows alot more lke prose than poetry, maybe you can tighten up some of the lines that seem a bit long...for exaple the line about students waking up in the first stanza, maybe cut it up and change some wording and so on...oh yeah you also claim that we built the oceans...if that was on purpose it's cool, it brings to mi9nd some interesting theory, or can be interpreted as such, if it was an accident i have pointed it out.  i like th epiece though, it has a nice marxian/materalist ring to it (oter than it is the sky askign questions) but other than that marx would be proud...i have to say i don't share the sentimen but i undertand and respect it, so bravo, keep up the good work.

"freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose..."  -janis joplin

hush will be notified of replies
 Post A Reply   Go to the Next Oldest/Previous Topic Return to Topic Page Go to the Next Newest Topic 
All times are ET (US) Top
  User Options
>> Archives >> Critical Analysis #1 >> untitled, needs a lot of work Format for Better Printing EMail to a Friend Create a Greeting Card with this Poem
Print Send ECard

 

pipTalk Home Page | Main Poetry Forums

How to Join | Member's Area / Help | Private Library | Search | Contact Us | Today's Topics | Login
Discussion | Tech Talk | Archives | Sanctuary



© Passions in Poetry and netpoets.com 1998-2013
All Poetry and Prose is copyrighted by the individual authors