untitled, needs a lot of work

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hush
Senior Member

since 2001-05-27

Posts 1653
Ohio, USA

0 posted 2001-11-03 11:16 AM

I am posting this almost unaltered from the first draft version.... not because I think the draft is very good... it's not... but it has potential, and I couldn't seem to focus my thoughts and words enough to bring that out.... my editing attempts just muddled what I was trying to say even more. So... please, any suggestions on how I could clarify, strengthen, or play up on this idea while improving the presentation would be very greatly appreciated.

---

The sky glares down and we wonder why-
We search endlessly for the right words to describe its grey face,
shapelessly shifting
in constant motion.
Then one day while every lackluster student under the clouds is gazing out the window, trying to figure out why they even get out of bed in the morning,
The sky gets pissed.

It scowls and snarls,
opens its creaking mouth,
revealing the horror of the unknown,
and asks in a voice that drives everyone so hopelessly insane they could never answer, even if they tried
Why we always stare at it,
Why we plead, pray, and implore the heavens,
Why we must lay all our problems up there, dusted under the rug of the stars
until all that’s left is a dreary layer of water molecules and dusk;
Why we always have the highest expectations,
Why we just assume the atmosphere has all the answers,
Why we throw the responsibility of our gods up into nothing more than a big blue gaping abyss and anticipate a reaction,
Why we always search there for guidance-
It asks if we see a PhD on any walls
or if we see any walls
besides the ones we tried to erect around it with out high hopes and definitions.
It tells us to search the ground at our feet
the oceans and sidewalks and information highways we’ve already built-
It tells us it will not be conquered and ruined.

All the dreamers, stargazers and sages, poets and painters and hope-filled children rock back and forth in an induced state of autism-
Still shocked they look up just in time to see a frenzy of red
As the sky slits its wrists and melts away.

warmhrt
Senior Member

since 1999-12-18

Posts 1563

1 posted 2001-11-03 12:31 PM

hush,

I'm short on time...a quick response. I loved the poem from the 12th line on, but feel you could do something other than have "why" start so many lines. The first 12 lines need a lot of work, IMHO. I didn't care for the imagery presented...something a bit more subtle, maybe. (How can a grey sky 'glare'?)

As far as the presentation goes, a prose-like format would work, I think, with lines of varied length(not too long)...centered.

Just some quick ideas...hope they help,
Kris

"It is wisdom to know others;
It is enlightenment to know one's self" - Lao Tzu

silent whispers
Junior Member

since 2001-07-07

Posts 40
Alaska

2 posted 2001-11-06 05:32 AM

These are just my opinions on your poem and can be taken or left. I'm new at this so I might be off on a few things.

The sky glares down and we wonder why-
*** The personification here does seem to work well with the next lines***
We search endlessly for the right words to describe its grey face,
*** grey face doesn't seem to work***
shapelessly shifting (bring up)in constant motion.
Then one day while every lackluster student under the clouds/ is gazing out the window, trying to figure out/ why they even get out of bed in the morning,
The sky gets pissed.
*** might not be a cliche but sounds like one at this point in the poem***

It scowls and snarls,
opens its creaking mouth,
revealing the horror of the unknown,
and asks in a voice that drives everyone so hopelessly insane/ they could never answer, even if they tried.
Why we always stare at it,
plead, pray, and implore the heavens,
Why we must lay all our problems up there, dusted under the rug of the stars
until all that’s left is a dreary layer of water molecules and dusk;
Why we always have the highest expectations.
We just assume the atmosphere has all the answers,
throw the responsibility of our gods up into nothing more/ than a big blue gaping abyss and anticipate a reaction,
[Why we always search there for guidance-
It asks if we see a PhD on any walls
or if we see any walls]
***This art doesn't work for me the way it is. Try rephrasing it maybe, not sure.***
besides the ones we tried to erect around it with out high hopes and definitions.
It tells us to search the ground at our feet,
the oceans and sidewalks and information highways we’ve already built-
It tells us it will not be conquered and ruined.
*** Try to cut back on the number of times you use the word it. True there are only 7 in this stanza, but different discriptive words instead might help***

All the dreamers, stargazers and sages, poets and painters and hope-filled children rock back and forth in an induced state of autism- *** Not sure where to suggest shortening this line, but should be shortened to match the rest***
Still shocked they look up just in time to see a frenzy of red
As the sky slits its wrists and melts away.

Marq
Member

since 1999-10-18

Posts 222

3 posted 2001-11-11 05:28 PM

I didn't think the last stanza was the clincher it could have been, but I liked this a lot. You obviously know how to write poetry so when you say 'this needs a lot of work' I think you must be putting us on or you have enormously high expectations of yourself.

All the best!

Jericha Satchel
Junior Member

since 2001-11-04

Posts 11

4 posted 2001-11-12 05:36 AM

Hush is not a low expectation poet.

strbbux
Member Elite

since 2001-12-19

Posts 3859

5 posted 2001-12-23 08:11 PM

This is a very nice poem I love the expression. I agree with maybe not having the why's maybe just one why, and then the lines of questions
and shortening the lines and centering the poem. I do like this a lot. strbbux

[This message has been edited by strbbux (12-23-2001 09:01 PM).]

strbbux
Member Elite

since 2001-12-19

Posts 3859

6 posted 2001-12-23 08:22 PM

I like this poem very much, I would like to see the finished version. strbbux

[This message has been edited by strbbux (12-23-2001 09:02 PM).]

rich-pa
Member

since 2000-02-07

Posts 317
New Orleans, Louisiana

7 posted 2001-12-24 12:23 PM

hey hush, i think the one thing i would change with this would be the format, it flows alot more lke prose than poetry, maybe you can tighten up some of the lines that seem a bit long...for exaple the line about students waking up in the first stanza, maybe cut it up and change some wording and so on...oh yeah you also claim that we built the oceans...if that was on purpose it's cool, it brings to mi9nd some interesting theory, or can be interpreted as such, if it was an accident i have pointed it out. i like th epiece though, it has a nice marxian/materalist ring to it (oter than it is the sky askign questions) but other than that marx would be proud...i have to say i don't share the sentimen but i undertand and respect it, so bravo, keep up the good work.

"freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose..." -janis joplin

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