Child Within (revision#1) - pipTalk Forums

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Critical Analysis #1

Child Within (revision#1)

silent whispers
Junior Member

since 2001-07-07

Posts 40
Alaska

0 posted 2001-11-01 03:17 PM

(reworded some of the rough spots, still needs work on the rhythm, any suggestions?)

The Child Within
*  *  *  *

I don’t know if you can hear me,
   but I’m here.
I haven’t been able to hear my own
   voice lately.
The floors are made of  ice now,
   with you gone.
Somehow I thought that in here
   it would be warmer.
Were you the one that turned out
   the lights?
You forgot to plug in my night light,
   and I’m kinda scared.
I don’t know if you can hear me,
   but I’m here.
It’s purple, by the way, but the chalk is
   almost gone.
Can you come back and give me
   one more piece?
My hope-scotch board is almost ready
   for you to see.
It’ll keep the monster locked up
   to protect you.
Then I can join you again outside,
   in the sunlight.
I don’t know if you can hear me,
   but I’ll keep talking.

Why is it that in silence the mind screams?

silent whispers
Junior Member

since 2001-07-07

Posts 40
Alaska

1 posted 2001-11-06 05:58 AM

ok ok I get that stunk so lets scrap that one and try again.

Child Within (revision #2)
I don’t know if you can hear me,
My voice has faded into the dust
That covers this floor of ice.
I imagined that this room you
Made for me would be warmer.
The lights have been turned off
And my night light left unplug.

I don’t know if you can hear me,
I’m still aching from being tossed.
The pounding of your heart beat
Echoing in my head as I cover
My ears. I can’t seem to move.
Life is not what you had told me
Just shadows in the picture frame.

I don’t know if you can hear me,
The purple chalk you left behind
Is almost gone, and I need more
To create a Hope-scotch board
That will bring you back inside.
I will save you from your monsters
That you hid under bed when you left.

I don’t know if you can hear me,
But I’ll keeping talking.

Why is it that in silence the mind screams?

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