How to Join Member's Area Private Library Search Today's Topics p Login
Main Forums Discussion Tech Talk Mature Content Archives
   Nav Win
 Archives
 Critical Analysis #1 Archive
 Quiet Tears
 1 2 3 4 5 6
Follow us on Facebook

 This is an Archive. You may post a reply, but new topics are not allowed.

 
User Options
Format for Better Printing EMail to a Friend Create a Greeting Card with this Poem
Admin Print Send ECard
Passions in Poetry

Quiet Tears

 Post A Reply   Go to the Next Oldest/Previous Topic Return to Topic Page Go to the Next Newest Topic 
CherryBlossom
Junior Member
since 10-13-2001
Posts 16
Communicate!


0 posted 10-13-2001 09:46 PM       View Profile for CherryBlossom   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for CherryBlossom

The dark embrace of the Night wraps my body
As the cold caress of the Breeze soothes my angered soul
And the rustling leaves of the nearby trees send whispers to my ears
Do not fear... do not fear...
Sadness never remains...
Anger vanishes within time itself...

Words that dissipate in the wind
But stay true in my heart
I repeat them
I savor them
I adorn them with my endless quiet tears
In humble appreciation...

___________
(I don't like giving titles to my poems... *sigh* I'm not good at that... and I had a hard time figuring out one that fits this poem in particular... and I still don't like it... :P)

[This message has been edited by CherryBlossom (edited 10-13-2001).]

© Copyright 2001 CherryBlossom - All Rights Reserved
hush
Senior Member
since 05-27-2001
Posts 1693
Ohio, USA


1 posted 10-25-2001 12:59 AM       View Profile for hush   Email hush   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for hush

I think you have some potential with this but if you branched out more, hit more tangents, got more specific with what you are trying to say it would work better and have a more definite impact on the reader. Do some more exploring and expand on these ideas, as is it's a bit too vague.

I eat only sleep and air -Nicole Blackman

Kevin Taylor
Member
since 12-23-1999
Posts 192
near Vancouver, BC, Canada


2 posted 10-25-2001 03:57 AM       View Profile for Kevin Taylor   Email Kevin Taylor   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Kevin Taylor's Home Page   View IP for Kevin Taylor

Dark embrace... cold caress. They're fine but if you are going to capitalize Night and Breeze then perhaps you might consider dropping the article...

The dark embrace of Night wraps my body...

You go on to say that such-and-such soothes your angered soul - do you have a soul or are you one?

If sadness does not remain then why are your tears endless? Perhaps the ideal and the real are at odds but it is not clear where you want the reader to go with this.

I agree that titles can be a chore at times - it is often easier to refer to the poem by it's first line or by the first few words...

The dark embrace...

Kevin

"Poetry is, at once, what you get... and how you get there."

Not A Poet
Member Elite
since 11-03-1999
Posts 4427
Oklahoma, USA


3 posted 10-25-2001 11:42 AM       View Profile for Not A Poet   Email Not A Poet   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Not A Poet's Home Page   View IP for Not A Poet

Hi CherryBlossom,

I seemed to have missed this one the first time around. Thanks Kevin, for bringing it back up. I see that this is your first post in the CA forum and I wanted to welcome you to the group.

I think Hush and Kevin have both given good advice. On first reading, I didn't relate but after giving it more thought as it deserves, I agree that there is potential but I would like just a bit more information. I get the feeling it refers to something more specific and perhaps would like some hint as to what it was.

Check you email for a message.

Pete

Never express yourself more clearly than you can think - Niels Bohr

The Lady of Shallot
Senior Member
since 10-03-2001
Posts 840
USA


4 posted 10-31-2001 01:43 PM       View Profile for The Lady of Shallot   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit The Lady of Shallot's Home Page   View IP for The Lady of Shallot

This is loaded down with modifiers, prepositional phrases and  cliches and says nothing at all!  I would first know what thought you are trying to get across and then follow it through, less wordy, more specific, in day to day language. Good luck!

-befriend yourself and you will never be alone-

CherryBlossom
Junior Member
since 10-13-2001
Posts 16
Communicate!


5 posted 11-05-2001 08:28 PM       View Profile for CherryBlossom   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for CherryBlossom

Ah, great advice. Finally, people who are not afraid to tell it as it is.  

Ok, when I wrote this I was going thru' an awful depression, I didn't feel like writing all I felt, that's why it's lacking. Now that I'm feeling better I'll work on it and take the advice you have given me.   Arigatou!!
Madame Chipmunk
Member Rara Avis
since 12-05-2001
Posts 8552
Michigan


6 posted 12-30-2001 06:05 PM       View Profile for Madame Chipmunk   Email Madame Chipmunk   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Madame Chipmunk's Home Page   View IP for Madame Chipmunk

I love the way you use the words in this poem, Cherryblossom...
especially the internal rhyme here

"And the rustling leaves of the nearby trees send whispers to my ears"

but the poem as a whole seems a bit disjunctive...as if you were discussing several topics at one time.
Try to center your work on one theme.
I think you are off to a good start with this one, though.  With a bit of tweaking, it could become excellent.

copyright2001 Lyra Nesius

"poetry is life distilled"  Gwendolyn Brooks

 
 Post A Reply   Go to the Next Oldest/Previous Topic Return to Topic Page Go to the Next Newest Topic 
All times are ET (US) Top
  User Options
>> Archives >> Critical Analysis #1 >> Quiet Tears Format for Better Printing EMail to a Friend Create a Greeting Card with this Poem
Print Send ECard

 

pipTalk Home Page | Main Poetry Forums

How to Join | Member's Area / Help | Private Library | Search | Contact Us | Today's Topics | Login
Discussion | Tech Talk | Archives | Sanctuary



© Passions in Poetry and netpoets.com 1998-2013
All Poetry and Prose is copyrighted by the individual authors