How to Join Member's Area Private Library Search Today's Topics p Login
Main Forums Discussion Tech Talk Mature Content Archives
   Nav Win
 Archives
 Critical Analysis #1 Archive
 The Burden of the Red Stilettos
 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9
Follow us on Facebook

 This is an Archive. You may post a reply, but new topics are not allowed.

 
User Options
Format for Better Printing EMail to a Friend Create a Greeting Card with this Poem
Admin Print Send ECard
Passions in Poetry

The Burden of the Red Stilettos

 Post A Reply   Go to the Next Oldest/Previous Topic Return to Topic Page Go to the Next Newest Topic 
Jeen
Member
since 06-07-2000
Posts 92


0 posted 10-13-2001 04:28 PM       View Profile for Jeen   Email Jeen   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Jeen

Your whispers are weightless
near the pillow where my head rests
light like helium they drift
to the ceiling unheard

I need sleep but feel guilty
from your insistent stalking breath
wrestling with my eyelashes
forcing me to wake

Still I am unresponsive
to the need in your fingers
my skin hardens like pottery
when you mold it towards you

I could purposely avoid
all voluntary movement
feign sleep for the hours
you'll torment me coherent

Or use my recent surgery
as a reason to say no
filleted and gutted
a cold glossy sea bass

But I acquiesce
because catatonic consent
is universally accepted
as an effortless encounter

Put on red stilettos you whisper
with a black mini skirt
I guess it's not good for you
without my personal burka

And while pinching my sleepy foot
into a pointy cramped high heel
I think about my country
and the freedoms I have


[This message has been edited by Jeen (edited 10-15-2001).]

© Copyright 2001 Jeen - All Rights Reserved
hush
Senior Member
since 05-27-2001
Posts 1693
Ohio, USA


1 posted 10-14-2001 12:02 PM       View Profile for hush   Email hush   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for hush

I think this is absolutely wonderful.... maybe the only thing I would suggest is a little hinting about why she feels she must listen to him.... I mean, besides the general male domination theme and his persistence, a reason why she thinks this is her only option? Why she can't just up and leave it all? I don't know, I think you could make your statement even more powerful if you added some more specifics.

I eat only sleep and air -Nicole Blackman

Jeen
Member
since 06-07-2000
Posts 92


2 posted 10-14-2001 12:23 PM       View Profile for Jeen   Email Jeen   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Jeen

Hush

I can't get the flow of this to sound as I would like it.  It seems choppy in some places, but I've been staring at it for too many hours can you give me some hints.
Thanks.  I always look forward to your critique because I know it will be detailed and helpful.

Jeen
Brad
Member Ascendant
since 08-20-99
Posts 5896
Jejudo, South Korea


3 posted 10-15-2001 04:59 PM       View Profile for Brad   Email Brad   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Brad

I liked this as well. 'torment me coherent' seems a little strained and while I think a number of moves here are quite well done (nice integration), you might look at W.C. Williams and/or even Bukowski (a strange one to mention in this context but he's good at this type of conversational approach) for ways of making it run more smoothly.

Brad
The Lady of Shallot
Senior Member
since 10-03-2001
Posts 840
USA


4 posted 10-29-2001 09:55 PM       View Profile for The Lady of Shallot   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit The Lady of Shallot's Home Page   View IP for The Lady of Shallot

this is fabulous. Punctuation and you have a real keeper.

-befriend yourself and you will never be alone-

warmhrt
Senior Member
since 12-18-1999
Posts 1566


5 posted 10-30-2001 06:05 PM       View Profile for warmhrt   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for warmhrt

I, too, think this is a great piece...one from which most women, and some men, can easily glean the meaning and the intention.
Some great lines here...nice work, Jeen.

Kris

"It is wisdom to know others;
It is enlightenment to know one's self" - Lao Tzu

Madame Chipmunk
Member Rara Avis
since 12-05-2001
Posts 8552
Michigan


6 posted 12-30-2001 06:11 PM       View Profile for Madame Chipmunk   Email Madame Chipmunk   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Madame Chipmunk's Home Page   View IP for Madame Chipmunk

I loved your imagery here, Jeen.

"filleted and gutted
a cold glossy sea bass"

Very vivid, indeed!

and also the message you convey with these lines.

"And while pinching my sleepy foot
into a pointy cramped high heel
I think about my country
and the freedoms I have"

I think this is as good as it gets!
Great job!

copyright2001 Lyra Nesius

"poetry is life distilled"  Gwendolyn Brooks

strbbux
Member Elite
since 12-19-2001
Posts 3975


7 posted 12-31-2001 03:59 PM       View Profile for strbbux   Email strbbux   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for strbbux

"But I acquiesce
because catatonic consent
is universally accepted
as an effortless encounter"
Great lines here Jeen, I really liked this, the story line I thought was very sensitive. Good write, floria
Opeth
Member Elite
since 12-13-2001
Posts 2224
The Ravines


8 posted 01-02-2002 10:24 AM       View Profile for Opeth   Email Opeth   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Opeth

Punctuation marks are missing. With that being said, the only changes that I would make would be strictly personal. An excellent write, indeed.
Jeen
Member
since 06-07-2000
Posts 92


9 posted 01-04-2002 08:25 AM       View Profile for Jeen   Email Jeen   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Jeen

Thank you for the continued support.  

It has been some time since I have written   and the distancewill give m fresh perspective.

Wishing everyone a wonderful New Year

Jeen
I
Jeen will be notified of replies
 Post A Reply   Go to the Next Oldest/Previous Topic Return to Topic Page Go to the Next Newest Topic 
All times are ET (US) Top
  User Options
>> Archives >> Critical Analysis #1 >> The Burden of the Red Stilettos Format for Better Printing EMail to a Friend Create a Greeting Card with this Poem
Print Send ECard

 

pipTalk Home Page | Main Poetry Forums

How to Join | Member's Area / Help | Private Library | Search | Contact Us | Today's Topics | Login
Discussion | Tech Talk | Archives | Sanctuary



© Passions in Poetry and netpoets.com 1998-2013
All Poetry and Prose is copyrighted by the individual authors