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Critical Analysis #1
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Jeen
Member
since 2000-06-07
Posts 91


0 posted 2001-10-13 04:28 PM


Your whispers are weightless
near the pillow where my head rests
light like helium they drift
to the ceiling unheard

I need sleep but feel guilty
from your insistent stalking breath
wrestling with my eyelashes
forcing me to wake

Still I am unresponsive
to the need in your fingers
my skin hardens like pottery
when you mold it towards you

I could purposely avoid
all voluntary movement
feign sleep for the hours
you'll torment me coherent

Or use my recent surgery
as a reason to say no
filleted and gutted
a cold glossy sea bass

But I acquiesce
because catatonic consent
is universally accepted
as an effortless encounter

Put on red stilettos you whisper
with a black mini skirt
I guess it's not good for you
without my personal burka

And while pinching my sleepy foot
into a pointy cramped high heel
I think about my country
and the freedoms I have


[This message has been edited by Jeen (edited 10-15-2001).]

© Copyright 2001 Jeen - All Rights Reserved
hush
Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653
Ohio, USA
1 posted 2001-10-14 12:02 PM


I think this is absolutely wonderful.... maybe the only thing I would suggest is a little hinting about why she feels she must listen to him.... I mean, besides the general male domination theme and his persistence, a reason why she thinks this is her only option? Why she can't just up and leave it all? I don't know, I think you could make your statement even more powerful if you added some more specifics.

I eat only sleep and air -Nicole Blackman

Jeen
Member
since 2000-06-07
Posts 91

2 posted 2001-10-14 12:23 PM


Hush

I can't get the flow of this to sound as I would like it.  It seems choppy in some places, but I've been staring at it for too many hours can you give me some hints.
Thanks.  I always look forward to your critique because I know it will be detailed and helpful.

Jeen

Brad
Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea
3 posted 2001-10-15 04:59 PM


I liked this as well. 'torment me coherent' seems a little strained and while I think a number of moves here are quite well done (nice integration), you might look at W.C. Williams and/or even Bukowski (a strange one to mention in this context but he's good at this type of conversational approach) for ways of making it run more smoothly.

Brad

The Lady of Shallot
Senior Member
since 2001-10-03
Posts 818
USA
4 posted 2001-10-29 09:55 PM


this is fabulous. Punctuation and you have a real keeper.

-befriend yourself and you will never be alone-

warmhrt
Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563

5 posted 2001-10-30 06:05 PM


I, too, think this is a great piece...one from which most women, and some men, can easily glean the meaning and the intention.
Some great lines here...nice work, Jeen.

Kris

"It is wisdom to know others;
It is enlightenment to know one's self" - Lao Tzu

Madame Chipmunk
Member Rara Avis
since 2001-12-05
Posts 8296
Michigan
6 posted 2001-12-30 06:11 PM


I loved your imagery here, Jeen.

"filleted and gutted
a cold glossy sea bass"

Very vivid, indeed!

and also the message you convey with these lines.

"And while pinching my sleepy foot
into a pointy cramped high heel
I think about my country
and the freedoms I have"

I think this is as good as it gets!
Great job!

copyright2001 Lyra Nesius

"poetry is life distilled"  Gwendolyn Brooks

strbbux
Member Elite
since 2001-12-19
Posts 3859

7 posted 2001-12-31 03:59 PM


"But I acquiesce
because catatonic consent
is universally accepted
as an effortless encounter"
Great lines here Jeen, I really liked this, the story line I thought was very sensitive. Good write, floria

Opeth
Senior Member
since 2001-12-13
Posts 1543
The Ravines
8 posted 2002-01-02 10:24 AM


Punctuation marks are missing. With that being said, the only changes that I would make would be strictly personal. An excellent write, indeed.

Jeen
Member
since 2000-06-07
Posts 91

9 posted 2002-01-04 08:25 AM


Thank you for the continued support.  

It has been some time since I have written   and the distancewill give m fresh perspective.

Wishing everyone a wonderful New Year

Jeen
I

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