»
Archives
»
Critical Analysis #1
»
at this rate
| Critical Analysis #1 |
|
at this rate |
|
|
aurora rain Member
since 2000-11-15
Posts 90 |
like a Monet he drew to my eye with a lovely redness, a lovely heat, a lovely winter speckled with colours of the leaves from the autumn he had me submerged in--you know, the passing of the seasons where you’re caught between the cracks of one dream or another “it’s this dialogue” he said and I wept at his words as he called my name and called me beautiful and told me the things i’d always wanted to hear and he knows I’d like to freeze his voice but this happens the first of every month and that’s what he doesn’t know and I keep thinking maybe it’s something about the sky in the beginning and maybe the planets--maybe they’re right and maybe after a week or so they shift to wrong maybe it’s something I can’t give myself and it’s out of my hands and I think I should probably just wait for enough change for a phone call to heaven or to the stars because I know he’s up there somewhere, my angel, and I know he’s hearing me at this rate even if it’s just a whisper (do you, do you ever have that dream… where you open your mouth and you want to scream but you can’t make a sound? ...because I’m having it now) [This message has been edited by aurora rain (edited 10-05-2001).] |
||
| © Copyright 2001 aurora rain - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
aurora rain Member
since 2000-11-15
Posts 90 |
bumping my own topic...  |
||
|
Kevin Taylor Member
since 1999-12-23
Posts 185near Vancouver, BC, Canada |
I'm not a proponent of punctuation absolutes in poetry but your first stanza could use either a little more or else some white space and/or judicious line breaks. I get a little lost in the run-on without a bit of direction from you. Kevin |
||
|
The Lady of Shallot Senior Member
since 2001-10-03
Posts 818USA |
Good poetry should be distilled. This is too wordy. Too many modifiers. Make the nouns and verbs do the work. Let me give you an example of the first few stanzas how I would critique this....and always, always make the noun go first, like this (also too many prepositional phrases) He drew my eye like a monet with a redness, a heat, a winter speckled with colours of leaves from the autumn he submerged me in--passing seasons when you’re caught between the cracks of one dream and then another ok now.......some more (indulge me here) His dialogue spoke and I wept at his words as he called my name, called me beautiful and told me the things I’d always wanted to hear. He knows I’d like to freeze his voice but this happens the first of every month. THIS LINE MAKES NO SENSE TO ME??? I keep thinking it’s something about the sky in the beginning the planets--maybe they’re right after a week or so they shift to wrong OK, NOW....You have the word "and" about a hundred times  maybe it’s something I can’t give myself and it’s out of my hands. I think I should probably wait for enough change, for a phone call to heaven or to the stars because I know he’s up there somewhere, my angel. I know he’s hearing me. Even if it’s just a whisper There are way too many cliches in this poem, nothing original. It's nice but it's too nice, not interesting enough to hold the reader's attention. I sure hope this helps and it's not meant to be harsh, believe me I know how it feels to have a poem critiqued and this is said with the best of intentions, to help you as a writer! -befriend yourself and you will never be alone- [This message has been edited by The Lady of Shallot (edited 10-29-2001).] |
||
|
warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Hi, I like this, especially the first paragraph. I do, however, agree that there are too many "and"s at the beginning of lines from then on. Just drop as many as you can...all of the superfluouslittle unneeded words, tighten the poem up, and it should be very good. Kris "It is wisdom to know others; |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
