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Strings
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Strings |
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Libbie New Member
since 2001-10-03
Posts 1 |
I've attempted to write a sonnet here, but i think that i may have failed miserably, so please be gentle with your critique  Strings The mystery of hands defining strings, Is found in the reality we loose. He plays, and what a peacefulness it brings, To know this man is lost without these truths. He wears a different reason when he plays, A shield of vanished wood protects him now. Posessed by loliness for all his days He searchers for his soul again, somehow I know he'll never realise what he's found. And change heart as we start to understand This man, who is forever bound to sounds That hide all that he can not comprehend. He merely seeks his own liberation, In vain quest, of self emancipation. -Libbie- |
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| © Copyright 2001 Libbie - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Jeen Member
since 2000-06-07
Posts 91 |
Hi Libbie I just wanted to say hello and welcome. It's very early in the A.M. so I am not in any state of mind to critique. Hope you enjoy it here. Jeen |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hi Libbie, And welcome to Critical Analysis. Please check your email for a message. Now, I'm a little surprised that nobody has yet commented on your sonnet but I'll take a shot at it. For starters, you did not fail miserably. You have a pretty good first draft which now needs some fine tuning to perfect it. You have the rhyme scheme essentially right for an English sonnet. There are three rhymes which are not perfect, loose/truths, found/sounds and understand/comprehend. BTW, I think loose s/b lose instead. In a sonnet, an occasional near rhyme is acceptable but we usually expect them to be few and very close and lose/truths might be stretching it a bit. Found/sounds is quite all right but could be improved by changing to sound, and correcting the verb in the next line, without hurting the content, IMHO. Finally, understand/comprehend seems all right to me, especially if you can fix one or both of the others. Your meter is off a little more, however. The generally accepted meter for an English sonnet is iambic pentameter. This is more restrictive than just 10 syllables per line, which I believe you have here. Here is how I would look if scanned as IP. The MYS/te-RY/ of HANDS/ de-FIN/ing STRINGS, Is FOUND/ in THE/ re-AL/iTY we LOSE. He PLAYS/, and WHAT/ a PEACE/ful-NESS/ it BRINGS, To KNOW/ this MAN/ is LOST/ with-OUT/ these TRUTHS. He WEARS/ a DIFF/'rent REA/son WHEN/ he PLAYS, A SHIELD/ of VAN/ished WOOD/ pro-TECTS/ him NOW. Po-SESSED/ by LO/li-NESS/ for ALL/ his DAYS He SEARCH/ers FOR/ his SOUL/ a-GAIN/, some-HOW I KNOW/ he'll NE/ver RE/'lise WHAT/ he's FOUND. And CHANGE/ heart AS/ we START/ to UN/der-STAND This MAN/, who IS/ for-EV/er BOUND to/ SOUNDS That HIDE/ all THAT/ he CAN/ not COM/pre-HEND. He MERE/ly SEEKS/ his OWN/ lib-ER/a-TION, In VAIN/ quest, OF/ self E/man-CI/pa-TION. Try reading it this way, where the upper case syllables are stressed and lower case are not. And all stressed syllables need not be stressed equally. Line 1 reads fine and line 2 is almost acceptable except for having to stress the in the second foot. I think a stronger word, such as that, would be an improvement. Lines 3 and 4 are fine and line 5 is too by dropping or almost dropping the very small extra syllable in different. Line 6 is fine but should that be varnished instead of vanished? Line 7 again is fine but should it be loneliness instead of loliness? Line 8 is ok but it should be searches instead of searchers and the comma should be a period or semicolon. I have a problem with realize in line 9, dropping the syllable necessary to make the meter right. You could argue that it is acceptable but I would rather change it some way as reelize just sounds too bad. In line 10, there is a problem similar to line 2 or maybe even worse. We are urged to stress as instead of heart in the second foot. Now sometimes a reversed foot like this is acceptable and even a good thing but there needs to be a reason that you wrote it that way. I see no such reason here. I would try to rework that line so the more important words are stressed over the little ones. Lines 11 and 12 are all right except can not should be one word. Most of these are minor and fairly easily perfected. Your closing couplet, however, has more serious metric problems. If you try to read it as shown above you will find that you simply cannot do it. Instead it comes out something like this. He MERE/ly SEEKS/ his OWN/ LIB-er/A-tion, In VAIN/ QUEST, of/ SELF e/MAN-ci/PA-tion. Again, you have the right number of syllables but the words you have chosen for the line ends are actually feminine endings. The lines must therefore have 11 syllables instead of 10 and the last one is unstressed. The rest of the line must still be IP, however, with just that added unstressed syllable at the end. Now some purists will argue that you shouldn't do that in a sonnet but I like to do it anyway. I think in many cases it contributes a lot. All this is, of course, just one opinion and not a very educated one at that. If I may take some liberties with your poem, here is a quick example of how I might start editing. The mystery of hands defining strings, Is found in that reality we loose. He plays, and what a peacefulness it brings, To know this man is lost without these truths. He wears a different reason when he plays, A shield of varnished wood protects him now. Posessed by loneliness for all his days He searches for his soul again; somehow I fear he'll never know just what he's found, Change heart as we begin to understand This man who is forever bound to sound That hides all that he can not comprehend. He merely seeks to find his liberation, In hopeless quest, of self emancipation. Ok, I know I've changed the ideas a little and this still needs a lot more work but hopefully it does clean up the meter, just as an example for you. Thanks for posting. I hope to see a lot more of your work. And remember to check your email. Pete |
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