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warmhrt
Senior Member

since 1999-12-18

Posts 1563

0 posted 2001-10-03 04:42 PM

Its charisma calls to her,
she chases it up and down
dark empty streets, as it slips
and slides behind, in front of her,
gets close enough to grasp, turns,
vanishes before fluttering eyelids;
it taunts and teases;
she imagines its laughter
in command, it evades her, when
suddenly, face to face, it grabs her;
swiftly carrying her away.

Not long and they begin,
the dreams that visit without
fail, always the same, enigmatic,
bewildering, terror no longer held
within, until the morning triggers
them in memory; the sun finds
few small spaces to enter now,
she has smeared these dreams
across the windows
in vain attempts to see them
in the light of day.

The next night will play out
the same, the streets will call,
she will answer, in search of the
elusive; when it finds her, these
unconscious visions will commence
yet again, the light of morning
will try to find its way through
dream-smeared glass; she'll hear
the click, and the terror she
tries so very hard to
see through will
extend its dark,
merciless grip.

"It is wisdom to know others;
It is enlightenment to know one's self" - Lao Tzu

[This message has been edited by warmhrt (edited 10-05-2001).]

hush
Senior Member

since 2001-05-27

Posts 1653
Ohio, USA

1 posted 2001-10-04 09:10 PM

I didn't reply to the first version of this, but I think I liked it better- it was more concise. Or maybe it's just that i really liked using the 'smeared dreams' image as an end... it had good impact, was interesting... and the symbolism created a neat layer in the poem.... maybe if you sort of worked the last idea into the second stanza? I don't know... I like this version too, but the first seemed to ahve more punch.

I eat only sleep and air -Nicole Blackman

warmhrt
Senior Member

since 1999-12-18

Posts 1563

2 posted 2001-10-08 10:31 PM

hush,

Thanks for replying. I was happy with the original, but then got all the critiques...

I've amended it yet again. Think this is one of those I'll probably work on forever.

Thanks again,
Kris

"It is wisdom to know others;
It is enlightenment to know one's self" - Lao Tzu

Not A Poet
Member Elite

since 1999-11-03

Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA

3 posted 2001-10-09 02:01 PM

Hey Kris, I think I can identify more with this version. I can't really explain why but the ideas just seem more coherent for some reason.

Pete

warmhrt
Senior Member

since 1999-12-18

Posts 1563

4 posted 2001-10-09 02:08 PM

Thanks, Pete...perhaps the addition of the third stanza makes it more comprehensible. A question for you, but it must be answered quickly...this is entered in an inter-board competition in the original version. I have the option of changing it up until judging. Should I change it to this version?

Kris

"It is wisdom to know others;
It is enlightenment to know one's self" - Lao Tzu

Not A Poet
Member Elite

since 1999-11-03

Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA

5 posted 2001-10-09 03:09 PM

Sorry Kris, I can't help you there. Both you and Hush are so much better a free verse than I am that I hesitate to advise. I just like the revised version but you had better make that decision yourself.

Sorry,
Pete

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