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Critical Analysis #1
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My Pills
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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My Pills |
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
I’ve got hair in my armpits and more on my legs and my arms that are usually smooth are littered with pubic crumbles Because I tried to melt the fine tresses with Nair and I guess it didn’t work. I’m breaking out in pimples along my upper lip- it looks like I’ve got Herpes, all because I stopped taking The Pill. I need medication to make me palatable; plus it controls my cramps And I can have sex; I can screw like a rabbit, without the litters of offspring! all for the small sum of 27.99 a month. My Pills come in a pretty pink case with white flowers and the days on them are labeled like little girls’ panties. But those panties never had the stains that mine have now. and swallowing tablets every night doesn’t make me feel pink- I can eat the product but not the package. I’m sorry if this is what you didn’t want, didn’t want to expect. everybody wants someone honest, someone candid, someone with the balls to tell the truth but when it’s a girl and I’m that girl and I talk about my ingrown hairs on my bikini line it just doesn’t seem like that perfect conception of fine art you had in mind. This poem is not for living-room discussion. It does not go well with your Color scheme. It doesn’t chit-chat over cocktails or avoid the subject. It’s not a social butterfly. It’s not refined. It’s not pretty. It’s not graceful. It’s me. everything's fine. |
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| © Copyright 2001 hush - All Rights Reserved | |||
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JLR Senior Member
since 2001-02-04
Posts 1785 |
It’s not a social butterfly. It’s not refined. It’s not pretty. It’s not graceful. It’s me. Hush...everything's fine. Sorry, just kind of popped into my head. I've only responded a few times in this forum because I have nothing other than a personnal opinion to offer. My knowledge of poetry and it's analysis is limited. I wanted to tell you that first the title caught my interest...then every word held me. I truly apprecciated your poem. |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
I guess it's a girl thing huh? Sorry but ranting about your bodily functions and how you deal with them just doesn't do much for me. Pete |
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Jeen Member
since 2000-06-07
Posts 91 |
Hush I like this poem alot, because it speaks to me about the courage to say the uncomfortable. It speaks to me about freedom. The freedom to be specific. The freedom to say something that doesn't appeal to the masses. I your writing. Jeen |
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brian madden Member Elite
since 2000-05-06
Posts 4374ireland |
Before I say anything I had better point out that I know little of the technical side of poetry, I don't have a major in English. I went to art college inside. Everything I learned about poetry I have learned through mistakes, reading, and other people's advice. When I crit a poem all I have is my gut instinct. This is what my gut instinct tells me, I think the poem could be tighter somewhat shorter. I enjoyed your approach, the way you handled the subject matter upfront and honest but for me the poem does not gel together completely. The first half of the first verse seems too loose, the second part is powerful "it looks like I’ve got Herpes, all because I stopped taking The Pill. I need medication to make me palatable; plus it controls my cramps And I can have sex; I can screw like a rabbit, without the litters of offspring" Now this is good, sharp witty and stinging. The second verse I also loved, these are interesting and sharp observations. The other sections of the poem seem weak by comparison, I know the tone is different but for me the last verse could be shorter. Being brutal I feel the pome could almost end at "and I talk about my ingrown hairs on my bikini line it just doesn’t seem like that perfect conception of fine art you had in mind". Sorry I can't be of more help or even put forward some helpful suggestions, I would like to clarify that I enjoyed the poem, and the two sections I highly were sharp and powerful written poetry but for me the other sections are weak in some ways. I think if you tighten them up this poem would be an excellent piece. "Here I am in prison,here I am with a ball and chain There is whiskey in the jar-o" Traditional irish song. |
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
Pete- Why not? I mean, I can see where you're coming from- maybe it is just a girl thing. But the point wasn't really so much the upkeep of the female body, but more the fact that nobody is interested in that kind of thing... and that they should be, because it's just as much a part of being a woman as cooking, cleaning, applying makeup, and sitting pretty. It was meant to be both a satire of female routines/hygeine and an admittance that I am victim to the same shallowness, despite the fact that I laugh at it. Maybe you figured that all along, and just didn't care for the execution/style. I can respect that too. brian- thanks for the ideas. I think maybe I tried to cram too much in at the end- too many ideas. Argh, but I wanted to fit them all in! I don't like the idea of ending it where you suggested- I think it needs some kind of closure- but you're right, it does need some tightening. As far as the lines you highlighted, I was surprised- I thought the herpes/screwing like rabbits bit was weaker than the beginning, maybe because I was afraid of going overboard and sounding corny. I personally felt that the middle stanza was the strongest- "I can eat the product but not the package" was really the whole foundation of the idea I was aiming at- did it make much impact, or is that just my own biased perception? And don't worry, you're not being too brutal. I really enjoy it when somebody tells me what's wrong with my poems, because at least I know they're telling the truth. JLR and Jeen, thanks too for the compliments- it's also good to hear that my poem was enjoyed by someone. everything's fine. [This message has been edited by hush (edited 07-17-2001).] |
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brian madden Member Elite
since 2000-05-06
Posts 4374ireland |
Hush the reason I liked the Herpes and screwing like rabbits lines was because they come out of no where, they add a sharp humour to the piece. I do feel that the second verse is the strongest. I know what it is like trying to get everything in, the decisions we have to make in cutting a line because it disrupts the flow of the poem and it is usually a good line as well. |
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rich-pa Member
since 2000-02-07
Posts 317New Orleans, Louisiana |
hey you knwo me, i liked it over all, it was cutting edge, it was a bit controversial, and i dig that, um , my only problem is that in the poem you explain the poem as if you have to justify yourself writing this with the reader so as not to offend them, i say f 'em if it offends 'em, they can always stop reading it, i'm refering to the whole this isn't coffe table poetry thing or what it was you wrote, i don' think all that was necessary, but i'm no expert, keep up the good work "freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose..." -janis joplin |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
I'm with Pete but perhaps for different reasons. This type of poetry has already been done, I don't find it cutting edge or shocking, I've read it before. Does that mean you shouldn't write about bodily problems anymore? No, but you have to move beyond this style, beyond the idea that this is somehow new. It's not. One suggestion is to put a positive spin, description on the hair, pimples, whatnot and see what happens. Show these things from a different angle. Just an opinion, Brad |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
quote: Have to disagree with you here Hush - simply that 'wrong' is the incorrect (wrong? heh) word to use. Anything a critic says is merely an opinion... Pete - don't you think 'ranting' is a bit harsh? Sounds like a thing an antifeminist would say...YOU try stressing about a bikini line heh...and pimples, and hair on the upper lip and all the things that Western society doesn't like to admit are part of being a biological woman. It's not a rant - it's a damn burden I tell you. Winter is good for one thing - wearing long pants so you don't have to worry about shaving or waxing HAHAHAHA.  Anywho...I like this overall. I think at the end you are merely telling, not showing. So I'd probably take out this whole section: 'I’m sorry if this is what you didn’t want, didn’t want to expect. everybody wants someone honest, someone candid, someone with the balls to tell the truth but when it’s a girl and I’m that girl and I talk about my ingrown hairs on my bikini line it just doesn’t seem like that perfect conception of fine art you had in mind. This poem is not for living-room discussion. It does not go well with your Color scheme. It doesn’t chit-chat over cocktails or avoid the subject. It’s not a social butterfly. It’s not refined. It’s not pretty. It’s not graceful. It’s me.' I'm not sure you couldn't replace it with something...if you want to retain length then I certainly would. Brad is right when he says it's been done before. BUT BUT BUT - my goodness what hasn't. One can be anal about cliche - I should know. I think that though this has been done before you still have, in your upper sections, much originality. Perhaps those upper sections could be tightened and just a few very nitpicky things, to do with punctation: 'all because I stopped taking The Pill. I need medication to make me palatable; plus it controls my cramps And I can have sex; I can screw like a rabbit, without the litters of offspring!' I'm not at all comfortable with your two semi-colons here. Also, the capital A in And is awkward. I also don't like the tone the exclamation mark gives these lines. That was just one example - your punctuation is a little bit all over the place throughout the whole piece. 'My Pills come in a pretty pink case with white flowers and the days on them are labeled like little girls’ panties.' I really enjoyed this image...however - it could be tightened. For example... My Pills come in a pretty pink case with white flowers and the days are labeled like little girls’ panties. Just the removal of two words sharpens it up... Okies - that's me...enjoyed the read - good work Hush..  K |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Kamla, I think the only reason you're not 'anal' about cliche in this case is that you relate to it. My point is simply that if it's been done before, you can now go further: What about showing the beauty of hair on women for example? Fundamentally, this is an argument against the traditional idea of feminity and the problems in meeting that idea -- what about writing a poem that changes the idea of femininity? I still see this as a stand against something and not a stand for something -- uh, this is the truth, so there!!! -- but it doesn't really attempt to change any attitude or show the female body in a different light, it still accepts the very thing it is arguing against. The Herpes line stands out for me but not much else (I think, perhaps, the most challenging line to reverse). Still, you're right, this is only my opinion and perhaps it is still necessary to make these statements, still necessary to make the obvious obvious. The danger, to my mind, however, is that it also seems to be asking for acknowlegement. Acknowledgement of the difficulty in conforming to standards that, in another situation, everybody rails against. And that is too easily done and too easily dismissed. Brad |
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
Hmm... thanks everyone... I think you're right about the last section Severn.... I guess upon the re-read (with others' comments in mind) I definitely see what you're saying Brad.... the "this poem is bla bla bla" section sounds pretty pretentious and cliche. thanks for the input. You are more than the sum of what you consume |
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Snooganzmeister32 Member
since 2001-07-17
Posts 67Cali, USA |
The poem here is something that most people wouldn't have the guts to write and post such things. I think it's awsome, personally. <--- My friend, Darcy. I (the most wonderfly adorable SNOOGANZMEISTER) Think that this puts into words what alot of people feel. So, yeah.. Its a sweet poem! Darcy and... The most wonderfly adorable... |
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Janette
since 2001-07-20
Posts 2843Chicagoland for now |
A very fun and BOLD poem! I could relate to so many of the things you described. I would like to suggest a few things...please. First, you might think about re-organizing this poem a bit. It skips back and forth between subjects and breaks the flow for the reader. The use of the word "palatable"...did you mean for the reader to think you wanted your face to be eaten? Perhaps using a word like "presentable" would serve you better there. Also, I assume you used this line for the shock value..."balls to tell the truth"....and you succeeded...but...this is a poem about women's issues, so why not use a more feminine word than "balls?" Women can have power, too, without "balls." |
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