navwin » Archives » Critical Analysis #1 » Incantation
Critical Analysis #1
Post A Reply Post New Topic Incantation Go to Previous / Newer Topic Back to Topic List Go to Next / Older Topic
Pearls_Of_Wisdom
Member
since 2000-09-02
Posts 175


0 posted 2001-07-16 03:27 PM


They're falling from the sky now
Down, down, down
Ancient many-feathered things
Wings glinting in the light.

They're creeping through the streets now
Silently and stealthily
Clothed in shadow darkness
No imprints in the ground.

They're going to find you out now
Slowly, slowly
Unraveling the layers
You hide yourself beneath.

Speak in elven tongue now
Beautifully, beautifully
Call names that they belong to
Free their faces from your masks.

Feel heat from the burning now
Falling into rhythm now
Feet moving in time now
Round and round and round.

Welcome them to your table now
With love, with love
Greet them as your kinsmen
And your allies will they be.

© Copyright 2001 Pearls_Of_Wisdom - All Rights Reserved
The Exile
Member
since 2001-07-14
Posts 52
Ontario, Canada
1 posted 2001-07-16 04:22 PM


Pearls_of_Wisdom,

Nice one! Although i am not entirely sure what the "they's" are directly referring to in the first three stanzas, but i'd like to see them as little "poetic spirits" within a poet that guide her (or him) to write... It's just so encouraging to see a poet calling out for the need to stuggle with emotions and pour them onto pieces of paper:

"Feel heat from the burning now
Falling into rhythm now
Feet moving in time now
Round and round and round."

I enjoyed it!  

hush
Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653
Ohio, USA
2 posted 2001-07-17 02:16 AM


I see where you were going with the attempt to create a chanting rhythm, but some of it sounds forced. Beautifully repreated sounds awkward- it's too long of a word. Some of the phrasing, too, was a bit awkward- maybe it seemed a little too archaic, or like it was trying too hard to create a fairy-tale setting.

I was also confused about who 'they' were.

everything's fine.

Jeen
Member
since 2000-06-07
Posts 91

3 posted 2001-07-17 01:40 PM


I too need to know what these little elves (?)are doing.

If I knew that the poem would come together for me.

jeen

Severn
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704

4 posted 2001-07-19 05:38 AM


Unless you let the reader know who 'they' are, it is unlikely you will connect to your readers. Unless you want to be deliberately mysterious.

Overall I find your poem highly problematic.

It almost has an antiquated feel...like a poem mixing modern and 19th century styles of writing...the 'round and round and round' strikes me as an example of the latter. 'you hide yourself beneath' is modern on the other hand - and an image I like. 'Kinsmen' of course adds to the 'old' feel. I think that is some of the problem with your piece. There are parts when I feel it might be settling into a comfortable style, and then - the whole thing becomes unbalanced again. From my own biased view point - I'd say make it modern heh.

The last line. It's rather weak to end on an inverted line.

By inverted I refer to the grammatical structure of the 'will they be' segment. It is also antiquated and frankly sounds forced. However, the 'be' doesn't rhyme with any previous ending word so I'm curious as to why you wrote the line this way?

So, I think you need to rewrite sections of your poem to make it either antiquated or modern. And explain the 'them' in order to reach your readership. I myself thought of angels - probably due to the feathered image...

K

I am a refugee of logic...insisting
on unlikely land with every step.


Janette
Deputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Elite
since 2001-07-20
Posts 2843
Chicagoland for now
5 posted 2001-07-20 02:37 AM


Ohhhhh....I am sorry...I have to agree with the other readers sweetie...who are the "they"????
**lost**
Junior Member
since 2001-07-16
Posts 32
ma
6 posted 2001-07-24 12:49 PM


im not going to once again comment on who is "they" or little elves, what i will comment on your repeatitions of the words in the second line of each stanza. many poems are able to pull it off because of a direct relationship to the overall purpose of the poem. the repeating of the phrase or word acknowleges that this is an important part of the fiting together of the poem which in turn would result in a conclusion or purpose.  this poem seem not to have a purpose other then description, if that is the case i would eliminate the repeats. also try and stick to one era of writing, be it arcaic type style or modern.

confused among strangers,
lost amongst myself.
**lost**

Post A Reply Post New Topic ⇧ top of page ⇧ Go to Previous / Newer Topic Back to Topic List Go to Next / Older Topic
All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format.
navwin » Archives » Critical Analysis #1 » Incantation

Passions in Poetry | pipTalk Home Page | Main Poetry Forums | 100 Best Poems

How to Join | Member's Area / Help | Private Library | Search | Contact Us | Login
Discussion | Tech Talk | Archives | Sanctuary