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Critical Analysis #1
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Jeen
Member
since 2000-06-07
Posts 91


0 posted 2001-07-12 07:00 PM


my father said the best part of me dripped down his leg


I could
go back
in recollection

turn myself
inside out
with misery

shower in
the ugliness
that reigned
over me

I could eat rage
in spoonfuls
at breakfast
with cornflakes

dress my wrists
with red columns
of despondency

exist as
validation for
his despair
but it was a lie

now that he is dead
my real father
has told him so


Please give me good or bad feedback (in spite of the uncomfortable content).

Thank you
Jeen


© Copyright 2001 Jeen - All Rights Reserved
hush
Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653
Ohio, USA
1 posted 2001-07-13 01:14 AM


Whoa.
The first line is absolutely brilliant- it's been a long time since an opening phrase shocked me like that. It's just such a vibrant image, without even going into details- this is an instance where less is more, and it's the perfect balance.

The next two stanzas lack that. While I don't think line 1 should have a followup exactly as stunning, it shouldn't be as muted- it's not that it's bad- it's just that I've heard that kind of phrasing before, and it seems commonplace when compared to the beginning.

The third stanza has a good concept, but I would change the words ugliness and especially reigned- it sounds a little too much like glorifying the subject, which I get the distinct impression you are trying not to do.

Stanzas 4 and 5 are a return to the force of line 1- brilliant images, once again, using the nature of the phrasing rather than the words themselves to create the (very) dark atmosphere.

In stanza 6, validation for his despair is a little too vague- you're good with breif specifics- I think you could phrase that some other way so it's a more precise idea.

The last stanza I'm not sure I understand it- is it supposed to indicate afterlife judgement by god (father)? Maybe if it is, you could capitalize father for clarity? And if not, could you explain what you meant?

Overall, I think this is a poem with very strong lines that stick out- a little smoothing could make the entire piece a series of hard-hitters and slam the point home- I really enjoyed this, and I like your style. Hope to see more from you.

everything's fine.

Jeen
Member
since 2000-06-07
Posts 91

2 posted 2001-07-13 10:17 AM


Hush

Thank you, thank you, thank you, for such excellent critical advice.

Because of the content of this poem, (which came to me exactly as it was written a few days ago) the handful of people I shared it with were too stunned to get past the first line.

Although in my heart I felt it should remain, because without it the poem would mean nothing, yet I began to wonder if it was too much.

The middle verses do need work, and I appreciate your suggestions.

In the last verses I did mean the afterlife.  I had capitalized Father in the original version, but had typed it incorrectly when I posted it.

I am so glad you responded.  The few poems I have posted before had gotten many responses, probably because the subject matter was more positive, and I was feeling that I had crossed over that fine line of being thought provoking to being offensive.

God Bless
Jeen

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