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Critical Analysis #1
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Speak (On the road)
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Speak (On the road) |
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brian madden Member Elite
since 2000-05-06
Posts 4374ireland 
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Speak into my brother's eyes, deep compassion resonates within. He does not know me truly, realising only a vague shadow I cast for distraction, still he offers me sheltered nourishment. I feel growth in my weary limbs, I thought they were set in place yet they spring and pull at my surprise, reacting to seeds of knowledge. For each new addition must there a sacrifice, unnoticed amnesia, is it that youth is but a phantom thread? Yet I am still moving experiencing. Maybe everything is filed into reserves large libraries of every sorrow, laugh, and kiss filed and shelved. Speak, but chose my words carefully, for in this game all the cards are blank except for the Jokers; relentless butchers. Speak, I admit I have nothing to say, for I with each word I voice a certain pain, there is no productive reason for this, it devalues every sweet blessing. True I may be trailing aimlessly, and the future may be sharp cruelty but I am journeying! Why then I am wasting time in speech? On the road my heart beats frantically though I may as of yet have no life mate there is so much unseen over the horizon everything I have not yet touched or tasted. That has to make one smile. ------------- An old poem in need of help. "Here I am in prison,here I am with a ball and chain There is whiskey in the jar-o" Traditional irish song. |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
You're right Bri. This needs a lot of work. It lacks your usual raw edge - obviously something you've developed over time.. I don't have much time right now...not enough to go into detail so I'll give you some general thoughts and might get back to a line by line later... I think you've used far too many weighty adjectives and until the switch to optimism the whole piece is overburdened with a piteous tone...like a 'woe is me, I'll just hide miserably under a rock for the rest of my life' kind of tone heh  Consequently - the aforementioned switch to optimism is rendered unconvincing. So, I'd suggest working on the imagery and adding some of your famous rawness. 'Why then I am wasting time in speech?' Wasting time does this no good my friend...I see the point - but ick. Got some cliches in there - you probably know them yourself...you have some good ideas though for sure. The overall concept is interesting and I would like to see this poem developed.  KI am a refugee of logic...insisting |
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
There are some flaws, I don't know if they are due to typos, 'For each new addition must there (be?) a sacrifice,' 'for I with each word I voice a certain pain,' -use of two I's? 'Why then I am wasting time in speech?' Sounds like something yoda would say. Ack! In addition, there are the cliches Severn noticed, and what I think keeps this from having a raw edge is the archaic wording- very few people of modern potry can use it well, and Personally I don't care for it at all- it sounds way too fake, like an attempt to sound more poetic. Try re-writing it in ways you would actually talk. everything's fine. |
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brian madden Member Elite
since 2000-05-06
Posts 4374ireland |
Kamla, I think my raw edge was always there from the first proper poem I wrote, in many ways it has become less the focus of the poem and more and underlying tone. I have learned subtly. This poem is dated last year and I kind of wanted to tap into a sense of optimism and get a way from that "woe is me" factor that was in very poem I was writing. I also wanted to capture that sense of energy and lust for life in Kerouac's book "ON the road" hence the title. If I may add a personal critique myself I broke a golden rule. Ifeel growth in my weary limbs, I thought they were set in place Overuse of a word in the same verse. Hush, it is funny I was kind aiming for Zen instead of an edgy feel. It obviously did not work, I have played around with this poem today but I can't focus enough to attempt a re write. Thanks for the insight. This poem has been struck of my manuscript and filed in my "needs work" folder. "Here I am in prison,here I am with a ball and chain There is whiskey in the jar-o" Traditional irish song. |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Brian, I think that it is very possible to have a good "down" poem...after all, life is not all optimism. Besides, I don't think this is a "woe is me"...it is more of a self-exploratory, "saying it how you feel" kind of thing. Now don't get me wrong...I did't say that this was good as is it. It does have possibilities, but now it seems to be tangential rambling that needs some structuring (and correcting typos). Now I am hoping I wasn't too blunt, and that perhaps I was of a little help. Kris "It is wisdom to know others; |
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brian madden Member Elite
since 2000-05-06
Posts 4374ireland |
Kris, no you were not blunt at all, thanks for commenting but I think I need to scrap the poem. In fact Hush, Kamla and you have opened my eyes to the problems in this poem which until now i did not fully see. "Here I am in prison,here I am with a ball and chain There is whiskey in the jar-o" Traditional irish song. |
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