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Macrocosm
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Macrocosm |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563
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A clearing in the wilderness in the black of night, Above a transparent sky, luxuriantly dense celestial bodies layer upon each other; A planetarium in reality. The eyes deceived, as brighter stars move... dance with the wind. I stand beneath this magnificent umbrella, awestruck and humbled, I feel so very small, inconsequential, but one trivial spark of such a vast macrocosm. And I wonder If I really matter at all. Then I hear a voice breaking into the darkness, the silence, A daughter calls for her mother, and I know I do matter, despite how unimportant I feel at that moment. And I realize it could have been anyone, anyone at all, For it is the interaction, interrelation, interdependency, the interpersonal, the intimate; that we're all pieces of the greater creation, humankind, That we all matter, in one way or another. [This message has been edited by warmhrt (edited 07-13-2001).] |
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| © Copyright 2001 warmhrt - All Rights Reserved | |||
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brian madden Member Elite
since 2000-05-06
Posts 4374ireland |
OK firstly I enjoyed this poem and where it is going, some beautiful images "Above, the sky clear, luxuriantly dense with stars, layered upon each other, looking like the inside of a planetarium." Good stuff, "Optical illusions play tricks, Brighter stars seem to move, to dance with the wind." the following lines are good but they don't flow as well as the piece above, I like the use of "optical illusions.." but "play tricks" does not work for me, Something like "optical illusions revealing bright stars danicing with the wind" Ok that was off the top of my head, but I think you should let those lines flow into each other. "I stand below this magnificent umbrella, awestruck and humbled, I feel so very small, so insignificant, but one tiny piece of such a vast macrocosm" Personally I find that using the same word a few times in a verse is a bad idea, "I feel so very small, so insignificant" THese lines could be given extra power by rearranging a few words. "below this magnificent umbrella, awestruck and humbled, I stand, feeling so insignificant, a tiny piece of such a vast macrocosm" "so very small" and "insignificant" are saying the same thing to me and the word but is such a ordinary word for such poetic images. Same with the word "piece" "vessel" "being" I think the line would be improved if you used a more dramatic word. "And I wonder If I really matter at all." "That we're all pieces of the greater creation, humankind, and we all matter, in one way or another." For me these lines break a rule, show don't tell. IT is something we are all guilty of, after the beautiful lines "It didn't have to be a daughter, It could have been a friend or a neighbor, That it's the interactions, interrelations, the interdependency, the intimate" You spell it out for the reader. Keep the theme but I know that you can come up something a bit more poetic, let it have the same magic as the the lines before, "That it's the interactions, interrelations, the interdependency, the intimate" That is poetry. These are my thoughts on the poem, sorry if I was overtly blunt but I think you need to let this poem flow a bit more, trust that the reader will understand and even if they don't at least they can marvel at the beautiful images you are able to create. "Here I am in prison,here I am with a ball and chain There is whiskey in the jar-o" Traditional irish song. |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Brian, You were not at all blunt, but very helpful. This was written hastily, so as not to lose the image in my mind. I should have set it aside, then edited before posting, but I am somewhat impulsive... Anyway, as you can see, I have edited it quite a bit, and would like to know what you think now. Thanks for your help. Kris "It is wisdom to know others; |
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brian madden Member Elite
since 2000-05-06
Posts 4374ireland |
Kris, glad I was not too blunt. I am not used to critiquing and I tend be lacking in tact sometimes. Ok firstly the mistake in verse one. "Optical illusions decieve the eye," "I" before "E" except after "C" Other than an improvement on first posting. NO rushed writing is good it has an energy, as does your poem but I had a problem with the flow. "Optical illusions decieve the eye, Brighter stars seem to move, to dance with the wind." I would like to see these lines flow together Something like "Optical illusions deceiving my eyes, as brighter stars dance in the wind." the use of "to move" in the line "Brighter stars seem to move," cuts up the flow for me, especially when you follow it with "to dance with the wind." It seems like you are repeating the same point with both lines and here there is no need to. I don't like the re use of "I" in line three of the second verse, I feel the lines in this poem should flow into each other and the "I" breaks it up. "I stand beneath this magnificent umbrella, awe-struck and humbled, feeling inconsequential a trivial spark with the vast macrocosm." I would like to see the second verse become tighter, above is my suggestion. "I feel so very small" it is a statement, too blunt and does not fit the piece. Making it part of the opening line lets it flow better. "so very small" and "inconsequential" say similar things and you don't need the repetition here. "And I wonder If I really matter at all." again a statement, I think you established that feeling in the word "inconsequential." "Then I hear a voice breaking into the darkness, the silence, A daughter calls for her mother, and I know I do matter, despite how unimportant I feel at that moment". Bring back the orginal version of this please, that rounded the poem of beautifully this version seems awkard and sells your talent short. I feel your main problem here is painting the images then backing them up by telling the reader what they mean, also you don't let the beauty of the images shine enough. THe orginal last verse, and the opening are beautiful. I would like to see more of this. YOu are trying to communicate a feeling created by looking into the heavens. The reader needs to be able to picture what you saw, SHOW them with images not by telling them. I enjoyed this piece I see this shaping you to be a beautiful poetry. You just need to make some parts more poetic, make them fit the rest of the poem. "Here I am in prison,here I am with a ball and chain There is whiskey in the jar-o" Traditional irish song. |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Brian, I'm afraid right now, this is the best I can do (thank you for the "spark" idea). I sincerely thank you for your help, and do welcome other opinions and/or critiques. Thanks again  Kris "It is wisdom to know others; |
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
My opinion is that I got here too late to see the original version? Damn. Whenever people edit their original posts, i feel like I'm missing out, because the earlier critiques were of an earlier version i never saw.... Overall, I like this less than the other poem I read by you (Heat, I think). This one just doesn't have the cutting edge heat did- I mean, you used the word 'stars' twice in one stanza.... it's just one of those words that gets cliched, and the rest of your poem kind of has that sense of overstatement- like the point is made too hard- like Brain says, it is told rather than shown. Maybe take a more subtle approach. I'm too tired to do a line-by-line play-by-play right now, but I will mention that 'Optical illusions deceive the eye,' just seems too un-poetic to me- the phrase optical illusions is just so over-used and abused in everyday speech (much like "subliminal messages") that when put in a poem, it casts a pall over the surrounding lines.. to me. Hope I was of some help? Not real sure by this time of night... everything's fine. |
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brian madden Member Elite
since 2000-05-06
Posts 4374ireland |
Kris, The best of the three definitely, I knew you could improve on it. Beautifully written. . Keep this template if you want to make changes in the future. The ending is a vast improvement as well. |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Thank you, Brian, and thanks to you also, Hush. I know this is much different from "Heat"...this is my softer side...my more contemplative side. I sincerely appreciate all the help along the way. *S* Kris "It is wisdom to know others; |
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