Ricochet - pipTalk Forums

How to Join	Member's Area	Private Library	Search	Sanctuary		Login
Main Forums	Discussion	Tech Talk	Mature Content	Archives	A home without a wall, Our haven without ends, A circle we all call Our Family of Friends!

YeshuJah Malikk
Member

since 2000-06-29

Posts 263

0 posted 2001-07-02 03:36 PM

It ricochets
off unfeeling tarmacs
to places deep within our hearts
silently tears our worlds apart
threatening our very existence

in the blink of an eye
it can leaves us to watch us die-

It reverberates through
generations still to come
leaving lives in the path of
its trajectory woefully undone

it is deafening in its
continuous cacophony
crosses unimagined boundaries
and lodges itself permanently
in the unspoken annals
of humanity

It wears the silent terror
of public sanctity-

It is a single bullet.

hush
Senior Member

since 2001-05-27

Posts 1653
Ohio, USA

1 posted 2001-07-03 05:08 PM

I think you have a good idea here, but some of the wording is a bit cliche- be daring, go out on a limb, phrase it differently. Try to say something nobody's ever said before, even if it's just a slight variation.

Some phrases I thought were good: unfeeling tarmacs, woefully undone, continuous cacophony, unspoken annals of humanity, public sanctity- try to make all of your poem as unique as that- you're on the right track.

everything's fine.

warmhrt
Senior Member

since 1999-12-18

Posts 1563

2 posted 2001-07-03 08:15 PM

I, too, agree that you have a great idea here, but feel that it needs to be bolder...stated much more strongly. Perhaps a change in format would suffice...don't know for sure. I also agree with Hush that some of the phrasing is good.

Kris

"It is wisdom to know others;
It is enlightenment to know one's self" - Lao Tzu

jbouder
Member Elite

since 1999-09-18

Posts 2534
Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash

3 posted 2001-07-03 09:11 PM

Yeshujah:

The more often I read this the more I like it. At times your choice of language suggests a literal bullet but at other times I begin to think the bullet is a figurative representation of something else (such as time) but then again there are some physical properties (such as "ricocheting") that seem to suggest otherwise.

I was not able to decide what you meant by "it wears the silent terror / public sanctity". Perhaps after more people have an opportunity to read and reply, you'd consider giving me a little hint.

Thanks for the read.

Jim

	⇧ top of page ⇧
All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format.