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Critical Analysis #1
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love v. I
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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love v. I |
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
I ever tell you how much I love you in your white boxer shorts- barely disclosing your polite bulge in the splendor of morning? while the robins croon the sun awake in the watercolor dawn? My love is enough to propel me to the coffee-machine before the workaholic alarm smashes the silence of dewdropped spiderwebs and quiet clovers and down-soft pillows cradling your sleep shock of hair flowing down your dream-dome and it tendrils your ears in the mystic blue shell of the bedroom of my contentment. too bad I love a man who don’t exist. everything's fine. |
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| © Copyright 2001 hush - All Rights Reserved | |||
Jessica
since 2001-06-28
Posts 350South AL |
Hush....... I think it has a lot of depth to it... Like you want to say something more but can't find the words. It is very deep but has a simple message, know what I mean? Overall I think it is really good; I loved your choice of words.  Good luck!!What don't kill you can only make you stronger... |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hush, I like this. Your words and images make for an interesting read, a fresh approach to an old topic. There are a couple of things I don't quite agree with though. After the image of "dewdropped spider webs" I think "quiet clovers" is a little bland. Perhaps a more colorful adjective would fit better. Then "dream-dome" doesn't work for me at all. You even said about someone else's poem that you never heard that description (you used word there) in ordinary speech. That's how I see this one. Next, I don't see how tendrils works as a verb. Sometimes I can go along with creating a psuedo verb from a noun but in this case I think there are better verbs already available. One other thing. Considering the language usage in the rest of the poem, I would not use don't in place of doesn't in the last line. It's just too colloquial. Other than those minor points, I really enjoyed it. A nice vivid image. Thanks, Pete |
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Songbird Member Elite
since 1999-12-15
Posts 2184Missouri |
I think the opening lines are just fine..it draws my interest quickly.. but when you get to this part.. My love is enough to propel me to the coffee-machine before the workaholic alarm smashes the silence I would drop the following lines, as they don't seem to fit in with the mood or scene pictured or maybe it is just unnessary wordage. "of dewdropped spiderwebs and quiet clovers" The next part.. I think the maybe you just need to make a statement instead of using these lines. May be something about seeing his head upon the pillow, I kind of feel less description here would be better. "and down-soft pillows cradling your sleep shock of hair flowing down your dream-dome and it tendrils your ears" This next part worked fine, as far as I am concerned in the mystic blue shell of the bedroom of my contentment." too bad I love a man who don’t exist. (I think that was a good ending line.) The element of surprise. |
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tom Member
since 2000-01-26
Posts 90s/w penna u.s.a. |
hush I liked this poem,it read to me as if you were in a dream,vivid,surreal.If this is the case,maybe the man can't exist? Just a thought tom |
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