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Critical Analysis #1
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Trina
Member
since 2001-06-28
Posts 97


0 posted 2001-06-28 09:58 PM


Giving me the evil eye
while I walk around
looking cute with my dimples
and my long brown hair
with your former man at my side

You look at me enviously
trying to find my every flaw
to go point out to your friends
and laugh a while
at nothing of importance

Doing everything to get close
and get me out the picture
well, you had your turn
now in his eyes
it's my time to shine

I'm walking around
just as happy as can be
see I have no insecurities
I don't need to judge and analyze
you or any other female

You are no on to me
not even an enemy
you are just a very insecure girl
with many flaws
your biggest flaw of all
is being a hater

© Copyright 2001 Trina - All Rights Reserved
Poet deVine
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-26
Posts 22612
Hurricane Alley
1 posted 2001-06-28 10:05 PM


This is posted in three forums....I'm leaving this here for critique.
Jessica
Deputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member
since 2001-06-28
Posts 350
South AL
2 posted 2001-06-28 10:42 PM


I am saying this nicely... The poem has an intresting direction and idea but it could use a little work. It has no flow or grace about it... You need that with poetry.  

hush
Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653
Ohio, USA
3 posted 2001-06-28 11:26 PM


Well, the speaker seems to jump from not analyzing flaws to pointing them out... seems like a contradiction to me.

Other than that, I agree with Jessica. This is basically like a journal entry with line breaks. If you are going to address another person in a poem (which I have always found very difficult to pull off) maybe you could phrase it more elegantly, put some feeling into it that affects the reader and not just the person it's addressed to.

everything's fine.

Not A Poet
Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA
4 posted 2001-06-29 03:57 PM


I think Hush is going about in the right direction here. The poem speaks to another very specific person but does little to cause the general reader to have much sympathy for either her or the writer. I agree that it would be difficult to make this message generally interesting but it would not be impossible. It is, of course, an interesting subject and if you took maybe a different slant on it a revision could be interesting.

BTW, I don't think I have seen your name in this forum before. So welcome to CA. I hope to see much more from you soon.

JMHO,
Pete

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