navwin » Archives » Critical Analysis #1 » Twenty-four and Counting
Critical Analysis #1
Post A Reply Post New Topic Twenty-four and Counting Go to Previous / Newer Topic Back to Topic List Go to Next / Older Topic
Gypsy
Junior Member
since 2001-06-15
Posts 20
VA Coast

0 posted 2001-06-19 10:09 AM



Twenty-eight seconds and I smoke another cigarette;
I sit and wonder is this addiction so great...
one more moment and I contemplate life,
too emotional and pivotal to understand,
I am a weathered beach.

And as I stand,
Confused
at the edge of this ocean,
Twenty-eight minutes have passed,
with one more glass of wine.

I type and wonder, have I lost my mind?
A pixie dancing with no music,
only my femble attempts are left
crashing like waves onto this fragile earth...

Motionless
as I watch
the moon,
Full and raining with thunder...

Twenty-eight hours turn fast
and I am bitter with regret
ideas and thoughts stun me.
Politicians think so desperately and I am believing
it's simply egotistical, unremarkable to my life...

I want freedom
An oppression lifted!
Humor required,
And yet life tumbles on as if an experiment...

Twenty-eigth days and I am still here,
Unaware of my consumption or
the censorship of this movement
I am here, landing, as if on jupiter
I am spinning within its rings...
dizzy; from the addiction I have found

Within these four cigarettes and last glass of wine
I have memorized the outline...
I have realized my life is similiar to these words
and yet I am unaware of the windows that exist
or the circles that elude me.

I must color again with 64 colors!
I must become my own Picasso
Be the I, never had,
for nothing more or nothing less
than the one bottle and one pack of memories
I do have left;
that now sit idle within the back...
I, lost upon compartments have begun
to unshelve the distance

So when twenty-eight years does arrive,
I hope I will be Twenty-eight thousands hours
away from my addiction...
ready to experience the very next.

To be great is to be misunderstood. Emerson

© Copyright 2001 Brook J. Shaddeau - All Rights Reserved
scout
Member
since 2001-06-16
Posts 175
no place owns me
1 posted 2001-06-19 11:47 AM


I really liked this poem, although it's dark and dreary, it reminded me of when I turned 16, although I never went in depth like you did in this poem.  You misspelled Twenty-eight in the 7th stanza i think.  Personally, this poem makes me think that if at 16 years I could feel that way, and in 28 I might the same, this just tells me I got to start moving, got to start changing, not conforming to the world, but conform to me.  Though I don't know what this poem means to you, I like it and has sort of enlightened me, thanks.

xscoutx
"Son of man with one blow I am about to take away from you the delight of your eyes. Yet do not lament or weep or shed any tears." - Ez. 24:1

Gypsy
Junior Member
since 2001-06-15
Posts 20
VA Coast
2 posted 2001-06-22 01:35 AM


scout,

thank you for your comments. your so right, i have felt this way before but never could have understood it like i do now. it is about changing and being yourself and not allowing hangups to overcome your life. It's a big circle or cycle that never ends until enlightenment   But now as I read it, I don't like it the way I did when I wrote it...I guess maybe that symbolizes my constant need for change. Hee Hee. Anyhow thanks again for reading and commenting.

To be great is to be misunderstood. Emerson

scout
Member
since 2001-06-16
Posts 175
no place owns me
3 posted 2001-06-24 12:31 PM


Sometimes change can be a good thing, however I think I change to much, i wish i could stay situated in a place where i am content with it.

xscoutx
"Son of man with one blow I am about to take away from you the delight of your eyes. Yet do not lament or weep or shed any tears." - Ez. 24:1

scout
Member
since 2001-06-16
Posts 175
no place owns me
4 posted 2001-06-24 12:34 PM


I didn't realize that poem was your first post.  That was a real deep poem to post first.  I wouldn't of been so open until my later posts.  You do have strength.

xscoutx
"Son of man with one blow I am about to take away from you the delight of your eyes. Yet do not lament or weep or shed any tears." - Ez. 24:1

Professor Gloom
Member Elite
since 2000-07-23
Posts 3082
of Depression
5 posted 2001-06-25 07:16 PM


I like the mood and expression of this but,
I think you could express it a bit better.
A frame of structure, or semblance of structure,
Like a fine quilt displayed.
Your words:
Twenty-eight seconds and I smoke another cigarette;
I sit and wonder is this addiction so great...
one more moment and I contemplate life,
too emotional and pivotal to understand,
I am a weathered beach.

Might be:
Twenty-eight seconds,
I smoke another cigarette;
I sit and wonder
“is this addiction so great...”
one more moment and I contemplate
life,
too emotional
too pivotal to understand,
I am a weathered beach.

this is a loose rearrangement of your words.
Another might be:

28sec.
Cigarette gone now wondering
Is this addiction so great.
Another puff and I contemplate
Life.
too emotional,
too pivotal to understand,
harsh
I am a weathered beach.


From the first stanza you should set the tone.

28min
And as I stand confused
at the edge of this ocean,
Emotional wounds salt infused,
Wine
Grapes aged ,
with one more glass of wine,
Taste,
Gone many glasses ago.


I see potential within these words,
I’d like to see more of them.
These are just my humble opinions.

Gloom

[This message has been edited by Professor Gloom (edited 06-25-2001).]

Gypsy
Junior Member
since 2001-06-15
Posts 20
VA Coast
6 posted 2001-06-25 10:16 PM


Scout...again thank you, strength...i don't know.  

Professor Gloom,

I see your point and yes this poem was very rushed I must say, I didn't take the time to involve it with any real imagery. I really like your comment on the puff and aged grapes, etc.. I will definitely take this all into consideration, b/c as I had said earlier I didn't like it after reading again and it does seem lacking in places. So I will work on. Thank you so very much for the comments.  

To be great is to be misunderstood. Emerson

Post A Reply Post New Topic ⇧ top of page ⇧ Go to Previous / Newer Topic Back to Topic List Go to Next / Older Topic
All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format.
navwin » Archives » Critical Analysis #1 » Twenty-four and Counting

Passions in Poetry | pipTalk Home Page | Main Poetry Forums | 100 Best Poems

How to Join | Member's Area / Help | Private Library | Search | Contact Us | Login
Discussion | Tech Talk | Archives | Sanctuary