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The Girl in the Screenplay
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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The Girl in the Screenplay |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563
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she looked at him through the doorway, it all seemed like a replay, as she stepped onto the stairway, she thought he'd yell "stop", but he just stared at the t.v., so she went on to portray the girl in the screenplay, who gets on the highway, and heads for her dreams. Kris "It is wisdom to know others; It is enlightenment to know one's self" - Lao Tzu [This message has been edited by warmhrt (edited 06-13-2001).] |
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| © Copyright 2001 warmhrt - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Kirk T Walker Member
since 2000-01-13
Posts 357Liberty, MO |
Here are my comments: -plain language, point comes across fairly clear - perhaps this could be trimmed down a little example: As she stepped onto the stairway, she thought he'd yell "stop", but he just stared at the t.v., so she went on to portray the girl in the screenplay who heads for her dreams. - i would definitely lose the current rhyme scheme which totally ruins the mood of this peice for me and rework the idea concentrating more on poetic language than on rhyme I hope these comments are helpful. Disclaimer: The preceding statement is just my opinion. |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Kirk, The rhyme is a different thing for me, and one of the reasons I wrote this one. I like it as it is, but I'm not the critic, so... I suppose I can try rewriting in free verse, but it won't have the same beat...the same rhythm. I do sincerely appreciate your suggestions, your reading, and your critique. Thanks, Kris "It is wisdom to know others; |
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
I think the -ay rhymes are a bit too much. I would suggest working with a more natural approach to human speech patterns. everything's fine. |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Hush, Thank you for reading and for offering your opinion, which I will consider. Kris "It is wisdom to know others; |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Kris, I enjoyed the rhyme. It's a light piece to start with and I think the rhyme contributes nicely to that feeling. Thanks, Pete |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Hi Pete, old friend, Nice to hear from you...it's been a while. How are ya? Thanks for your positve comments on the little ditty. Kris "It is wisdom to know others; |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Kris: I don't think the problem is with the rhyme. The "-ay" rhymes stand out because your phrases seem disjointed and the sentence runs on from beginning to end. Just some quick, off-the-cuff suggestions: It all seemed like a replay as she watched him through the doorway. She stepped onto the stairway and thought he'd yell "stop", but he just stared at the TV -- So she went on to portray that girl in the screenplay who takes to the highway to head toward her dreams. I think this tightens up some of the grammatical issues. Thanks for the read. I really like your idea here. Jim |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Hey Teach!!!! Nice to hear from you. Where've you been? I like your suggestion for revision very much...it does tighten it up, and gives it a bit more oomph. That's why you're the Teach, I guess. Thanks so much, Kris P.S. How's the family? "It is wisdom to know others; |
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Jessica
since 2001-06-28
Posts 350South AL |
I agree with the others... It has a very good message and is written well but could be "tightened" up a little...  What don't kill you can only make you stronger... |
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