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Anyways
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Anyways |
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Sundown Junior Member
since 2001-06-04
Posts 16does it really matter? |
Two weeks later, life goes on. People come in, and stay. They overstep your fingerprints, they look at our picture, still hanging over the hi-fi. Two weeks later, you're still alive, levitating over downtown Providence. I still hear your guitar at night, I still hear you sing, the sound of your camera, going off when I think I'm asleep. Two weeks later, there's another call for you, of course. Whoever it is, I tell them you don't live here, at least anymore. It's harder, I believe, to admit that I don't know why you left, than to admit, you're gone. "She's been looking like a queen in a sailor's dream, and she don't always say what she really means" |
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| © Copyright 2001 Amy Rodgers - All Rights Reserved | |||
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PiXiEpUnKeR Junior Member
since 2001-06-06
Posts 49IL, USA |
I really like the imagery in this poem... it tells a great story BUT, the way you made the line breaks makes it hard to read. If you put the same ideas on one line, it would flow better... hope that helps!  |
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Titia Geertman Member Ascendant
since 2001-05-07
Posts 5182Netherlands |
Sundown, I personally think your form is perfect. It brings a sort of tense in the poem, keeps it alive. Your message, as sad as it is, is clear and leaves no place for doubts. I love this poem very much especially the ending It's harder, I believe, to admit that I don't know why you left, than to admit, you're gone I think you did a great job here. Titia A rose is a rose is a rose...I guess... |
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
I like the first stanza- it plunges the reader right into the poem w/o any boring introductory stuff. The second stanza is good- it has a nice double interpretation- either that he's still alive in body and just gone from you, making him a ghostly past reminder (levitating gives me a feel of the dead, so if that wasn't your intention, I'd change the wording.) You could also say that he actually is dead, but just alive in the mind of the speaker, and that his sould is levitating over downtown. The last stanza is a good ending- it ties up the work and leaves on a powerful note- again, the double meaning- I got the jist of either a breakup or a suicide- good poem to think about. The only thing I see that could maybe use some improvement is the punctuation- there's too much of it. In some places it's needed, but I would get rid of it in lines 1 and 8 of stanza 2, and lines 12 and 13 of stanza 3. If I had a soul I sold it |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
The title made me expect something quite different. I wonder if you might show the character affecting a nonchalant "I don't care" pose but have that pose show her real feelings. You also might interject flashes of memory to reinforce it. I have no idea if that'll work but I think you explain too much here. Just a suggestion, Brad |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
I'm tending to agree with Brad here - perhaps you explain a little bit too much? 'Whoever it is, I tell them you don't live here, at least anymore.' I think the poem could do without that entirely... Personally, I really like it in essence though...nice, clear imagery...good atmosphere... 'They overstep your fingerprints' - wonderful image, just wonderful. Good work  K |
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jenni Member
since 1999-09-11
Posts 478Washington D.C. |
sundown-- i enjoyed this very much. i don't really have much to add to what's already been said; i agree with hush's comments on the punctuation, and i thought severn's idea of deleting those four lines in the third stanza was a very good one. the phrase "overstep your fingerprints" didn't make much sense to me (i'm thinking like, there are fingerprints on the floor? huh?) but that may just be me. i love the details you use in the piece, the picture over the hi fi, the guitar and the camera, and the telephone call, very well done. the final seven lines are very nice. thanks for posting this for us, jenni |
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