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Critical Analysis #1
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7th of November
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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7th of November |
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KirstyOHara New Member
since 2001-06-07
Posts 9Australia |
She whispered "I love you It's now time to go" His heart was heavy And his breathing was slow Their children stood near His pain they did feel With his body this frail No doctor could heal He closed his eyes Said a silent goodbye Now they stand there Wondering why But the grief will pass And they will realise it's best For he is now in a safe place And his soul, it will rest (be kind, it is my first post in almost 12 months) |
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| © Copyright 2001 Kirsty O'Hara - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Kirk T Walker Member
since 2000-01-13
Posts 357Liberty, MO |
Welcome back to CA. This one was nice, a little too Hallmarkish for my personal tastes, but overall the sound was good and the mood distinct. Here are my suggestions: -weed out cliches: "heart was heavy" "wondering why" "greif will pass" soul is in a better place, etc. These are all valid ideas, but they've been said--just rework the language a little to give it a new twist. -be careful about using archaic syntax (I have a tendancy to do this too) because it makes the ryhme seem forced. ex: "His pain they did feel" vs. they felt his pain OR "It's now time to go" vs. It's time to go now. I hope my suggestions were helpful. Disclaimer: The preceding statement is just my opinion. |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hi KirstyOhara, Welcome to CA. I pretty much agree with Kirk's analysis. I would add, you might smooth out the meter a bit too. Particularly the last stanza sounds a little rough. Also, check your email for a message. Pete |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
I've never really believed that comfort and poetry go well together. The narrator seems too distant to the scene here -- maybe drop the rhyme and make one of the children the speaker. It might open a space for irony, that would make the piece more emotionally successful. Just a suggestion, Brad |
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KirstyOHara New Member
since 2001-06-07
Posts 9Australia |
Well Brad, the irony of what you said is that I am the Grandaughter of the man that died. |
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jenni Member
since 1999-09-11
Posts 478Washington D.C. |
hi kirsty-- i thought this was nice. i disagree with brad about comfort and poetry going together (there's nothing that says everything has to be dark and dismal, lol), but i like his suggesiton of turning this into a first-person piece, to make the feelings in the scene depicted more immediate to the reader. i also think maybe the rhyme and metrcial scheme here doesn't exactly fit with the tone of the piece? there's certainly nothing wrong with using rhyme, of course, and i gather from a comment you made on someone else's poem out here that you like tradtional rhyming structures. that's ok, but i think maybe in that case you should lengthen the lines a bit here to avoid a sing-song effect. just a suggestion, of course! i'm sorry to hear about your grandfather. thanks for posting this lovely poem for us, i hope to see more of your work out here soon.  jenni |
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KirstyOHara New Member
since 2001-06-07
Posts 9Australia |
Thanks Jenni, I did not mean to be rude to Brad (I think it might have come across this way). Most of poems do not rhyme at all, this was just one of those "moments" where it did. .Thanks for commenting on the poem "Always kiss your children goodnight" |
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
The only thing is that there may be the pre-existing irony that you are his grandchild, but the reader can't experince that unless it is shown somehow in the poem... I definitely agree to make it first-person for added strength, and lengthen the lines, so it sounds more serious. Hey you, |
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KirstyOHara New Member
since 2001-06-07
Posts 9Australia |
Hush, I would prefer if you would stay that way... hushed (or is that too rude, no I think not) |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
But Kirsty, I think Hush makes a valid point. And remember, this is Critical Analysis. Pete |
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KirstyOHara New Member
since 2001-06-07
Posts 9Australia |
I realise that this is CA but there are somethings that can be hurtful when said and I really do not think that is what it is all about "Always kiss your children goodnight" |
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings, but I don't see where I said anything wrong? I was just trying to give you some constructive ideas- once again, I apologize for hurt feelings, but maybe if the poem is that close to heart, it would be better posted in the other forums geared towards more personal response on content? Hey you, |
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