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Critical Analysis #1
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Walking my dogs
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Walking my dogs |
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Titia Geertman Member Ascendant
since 2001-05-07
Posts 5182Netherlands 
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It's that time of night to walk my dogs I don't want to because it's raining but four eyes staring at me two tails swaying ready to go they don't care I put on my coat the collar up and step outside in a deep pool my feet all wet I curse the dogs but they don't care and off I go to walk the path they know so well I hear them not but they are close minding their own business I look up at the sky above my breathing stops 'cause thousands of stars enlighten my face and suddenly I realize how happy I am to live here in the countryside I call my dogs and home we go I praise them well to let me know how happy I am but they didn't care A rose is a rose is a rose...I guess... |
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| © Copyright 2001 Titia Geertman - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Anson Beau Cavell Junior Member
since 2001-05-12
Posts 49Ohio,US |
A couple things strike discordance with this piece. 1 I hear them not (Archaic) 2 my breathing stops 'cause (contraction not needed) 3 thousands of stars enlighten my face (Its raining? Clouds, no stars, cannot compute...) 4 I praise them well to let me know how happy I am but they didn't care (present tense beginning + past tense ending = problem) Nit picking on an otherwise good poem, I've tracked your progress on this piece and feel it's almost there. Hopeful stars can still be seen behind the clouds of night.  |
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Kirk T Walker Member
since 2000-01-13
Posts 357Liberty, MO |
Here are my suggestions: -this poem may be too vertical. Explanation: Can you justify the line breaks? Should words like "because" and "but" get their own line? Are the line breaks based on sound or meaning or both or neither? -the last part of the first stanza might flow better if it was a complete sentence (actually, two complete sentences joined by "but" is what I mean) -some places in this are pretty general. I would consider adding a lot more imagery. Example: what don't the dogs care about? Getting wet. Okay, now what is a poetic way of saying that? you get the idea, I think. -"thousands of stars enlighten my face" Are you sure you mean "enlighten" here? -I like the repeated idea that the dogs didn't care, but I think if the dogs somehow had a greater insight to add at the end of each stanza it might work better (maybe your dogs just aren't that insightful, though--ha ha) Anyway, nice job. I hope my critiques were helpful. Disclaimer: The preceding statement is just my opinion. |
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Titia Geertman Member Ascendant
since 2001-05-07
Posts 5182Netherlands |
Thank you both for replying. I will consider your remarks and soon you'll see what I've done with them. Titia A rose is a rose is a rose...I guess... |
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jenni Member
since 1999-09-11
Posts 478Washington D.C. |
titia-- i liked this! i see what kirk is saying about the short lines, and it certainly is unusual, but, i don't know, i kind of like that here. the second version you have out here comes off sounding too simplistic, i think, with the longer lines. the second version certainly flows a little more smoothly and is not as choppy as this, but choppy works here, lol, for me, anyway; i found this version to be a little more unsettling (in a good way, lol) and quite interesting. one thing i LOVE about this version was the repetition of "they / don't care" at the end of every section. this isn't as strong in the revision. i have no idea what kirk is talking about when he says he wants the dogs to have greater insight, lol. they're DOGS, lol, they're in their little dog-world, and they don't care, period, lol. a few very minor changes might tighten things up a little: "the collar up" to "collar up" (this would keep the brisk pace of the piece, i think) "to walk the path" to "down the path" (same) "I hear them" to "I do not hear them" (clarification) "own business" to "business" (a pacing thing again) like anson, i thought it was odd that the speaker could see stars in the sky when it was raining, and i agree with kirk that "enlighten" is not the best verb there, so, for that part, i'd go with something more like the wording of your second version: I look up at the sky and hold my breath the rain has stopped a thousand stars are shining i thought the final few lines in this version were a little awkward, and again, i like the wording in the second version better. i still think this format is more interesting, though, so i'd change the closing lines to read as follows: I praise them well for reminding me how happy I am but they don't care. anyway, there ya go. i thought this was a very enjoyable piece with this format. thanks for posting this (and the revision!) for us. jenni [This message has been edited by jenni (edited 06-08-2001).] |
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Titia Geertman Member Ascendant
since 2001-05-07
Posts 5182Netherlands |
Dear Jenni, I'm all with you, I don't like the second version that much, looses a lot of....I don't know, it's not as strong as the first one. I agree with the changes you've suggested, I will rewrite it again and see what happens. Thanks for giving your time to consider. Titia A rose is a rose is a rose...I guess... Feel free to use the pictures on my website. http://communities.msn.com/Titiasplace&naventryid=100 [This message has been edited by Titia Geertman (edited 06-08-2001).] |
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Kirk T Walker Member
since 2000-01-13
Posts 357Liberty, MO |
"i have no idea what kirk is talking about when he says he wants the dogs to have greater insight, lol. they're DOGS, lol, they're in their little dog-world, and they don't care, period, lol." --jenni In my experience dogs can be very insightful. At least in poetry. Even inanimate objects can have some very valueable insight in poetry. See William Blake's "The Clod and the Pebble". Furthermore, to belabor the point a little bit, if the poet can state that the dogs do not care, then I think the poet can also state WHY they don't care and WHAT they don't care about specifically. Do you not agree, jenni? Disclaimer: The preceding statement is just my opinion. |
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jenni Member
since 1999-09-11
Posts 478Washington D.C. |
yes, kirk, you have a very good point, and i agree that dogs, little clods of clay, pebbles -- even pots of lip gloss, say -- can have or bring insight into poetry. i certainly didn't express myself very well earlier, but i don't see this as THAT kind of poem. getting inside the dogs' heads here, with some kind of metaphorical jag on what they don't care about or what rain means or feels like to a dog, risks getting the reader sidetracked on something that's really tangential or even contrary to the poem overall. the dogs themselves ALREADY are a metaphor of sorts, as i see it; what the poem is saying -- to me -- is, we go around the world in our daily lives, doing all our little things, we're surrounded by Life and we're effected by it all, but essentially we are alone in our emotions, and, indeed, alone in the basic experience of life itself. accordingly, "why" the dogs don't care and even "what" specifically they don't care about is kind of irrelevant here, as i see it. maybe i'm reading too much into this piece, lol, but i don't think so. "no man is an island," says john donne, but this poem subtly argues otherwise (and not in a bitter way, which is one of things i really liked about the piece). what we get from many living things we share the planet with -- including most other people -- is perfect indifference. and that's fine, the poem says; we can still find happiness. the dogs don't care that they are making the speaker take them outside on a rainy night, just like they don't care whether the speaker finds any beauty or happiness or has a thoroughly miserable time. the dogs are in their own little world, connected to the speaker, to be sure, but also, ironically, entirely separate. (you can turn the poem around, too, and say the speaker is utterly indifferent to anything the dogs experience on the trail; indeed, dogs must think it strange beyond comprehension that people can walk RIGHT BY a fire hydrant without so much as a glance, lol.) and this relationship between the dogs and the human speaker, i think, is a metaphor in itself; all our relationships, even with people who are very close to us, reflect this to some degree. (ANOTHER thing i liked about this piece was that it WAS about dogs -- 'man's best friend.') this is what i got from the poem, anyway. with people, of course, it's more complicated, especially with people close to us in our lives; with loved ones, it's not that they don't CARE exactly, but still, i think at some level it's simply impossible to know how another person is feeling. everything we experience is unique to ourselves. maybe the poem simplifies this whole thing too much, but i liked that it didn't try to put too much freight on the pups, lol. it expresses the basic idea very well, i thought, and maybe another poem can explore some of the nuances. so, i guess what i'm saying is, while a poem certainly can feature an insightful dog, getting inside the dogs' experience here, even on a metaphorical level, runs contrary to the main thrust of the piece, in my opinion. they don't care; it's as simple as that, and that's all we need to know here (in my opinion). i apologize for being a little flippant and not expressing myself very clearly in my earlier remarks, kirk. i'd really be interested to hear your take on all this! one more thought about the poem overall. i think this is why i liked the very short lines in this piece, they go along perfectly with the subtle sense of isolation and disconnectedness implicit in the piece (disconnectedness between the dogs and the speaker, as well as the speaker from other human society; the speaker lives in the countryside, not in a town or city). yet, for all that, it's a not a really "dark" poem; the basic "plot" here is a happy one. a happy poem about isolation...very interesting! ok, i'll shut up now, lol. jenni |
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Titia Geertman Member Ascendant
since 2001-05-07
Posts 5182Netherlands |
Oh my goodness, how do I reply to all that... I think Jenni is very close to the truth. I'll try to explain and forgive me if my English isn't always correct. Yes, I do live in open countryside, a few farmhouse scattered around and the rest is wide open farmland, surrounded by little dykes with trees on top. We live close to, what you would call, the elements of nature. A storm is really a storm, you see it coming long before it's actually there, so you have time to fasten all lose things and get ready for it. I enjoy seeing the change into every season. And every night I walk my dogs, that's my job, because my husband takes them on bike in the morning for an hour. I'm not always in the mood, but those two dogs force you, because they depend on you. They really don't care if the wether is good or bad, if I feel like walking or don't. It's a ritual I have to perform. And this particular night I didn't feel like it at all, I was a bit depri, but for the dogs it was just a walk as any other walk before. And as I walked along, the rain did stop and when I looked up (I often do) there were so many stars, appearing and disappearing, because the clouds were scattering. I stood there for about 15 minutes, just looking and I felt humble and small and yet very happy I was able to see it all. And I said to myself 'chin up girl, this is what it is all about, feeling one with nature, being part of it and standing in the middle of it, this is the place where you belong and where your heart is'. And I felt so much better. I always do when I'm in the middle of 'the elements of nature'. Never go to the beach in summer (too crowded), but often when it's storming, see the sea roaring, feel the wind in my hair, the sand against my skin. I'm the happiest girl on earth at that moment. Nature is just in my bones I guess. And the dogs...well, the dogs do care about me in their own special way, but then...I'm the one they get their dinner from and that's what counts with dogs mostly. Oh well, don't know if this makes any sense, it's hard to explain in a foreign language. I find it very interesting to see what the few words of my poem is doing to other people. Thank you very much for your efforts. Titia I truly am an outside woman, A rose is a rose is a rose...I guess... Feel free to use the pictures on my website. http://communities.msn.com/Titiasplace&naventryid=100 [This message has been edited by Titia Geertman (edited 06-08-2001).] |
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Titia Geertman Member Ascendant
since 2001-05-07
Posts 5182Netherlands |
Sorry, something went wrong, submitted twice. [This message has been edited by Titia Geertman (edited 06-08-2001).] |
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