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Tell me what you think....
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Tell me what you think.... |
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Rebelious Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 57Kansas, USA |
Well I wrote this one, cuz my relationship with my girlfriend is up and down all the time... tell me what you think. "love hurts" Is this love? Can it be something so right hurts so much? I know its love when I am with you and long for your touch. But I guess with love comes hurt..the good and bad? But I don't understand it how can love make me so sad? Before I met you I prayed for love everynight. I fell head over heels in love with you at first sight. That was the good but then came the heart break. You took my heart, wich I let you take. You walk away without giveing a hug or saying goodbye.. At first I always thought it was just you being shy. And then you go and cheat on me, And I wonder whats wrong with me. My feelings still here for you but shouldn't be. You ask me for forgiveness, I don't know if i should. I know our love wont last, sitting here wishing it could. So I give you another chance, hopeing to god it will last. I told you it wouldn't be easy, but lets forget the past. Everytime you go away from me I think of you with another guy. I try hard to dispurse this idea, but I can't and I know why. You still treat me as if you don't want me around. Even though I shower you with my love pound by pound. So I figure your still cheating on me, with another man. But for some odd reason here I still am. My love for you will never perish, For the time I spent with you I will always cherish. |
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| © Copyright 2001 Dustin Ortiz - All Rights Reserved | |||
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
I think you should forget everything you think poetry is and start freshly, if you are really serious about writing. Judging by this one post, it seems that you think poetry must rhyme. It also seems that you have not read much poetry- simply because a person who reads poetry is influenced by poetry, and a person who has been influence by that generally branches out into more experimental areas. Think diversity. This reminds me of weepy bubble-gum pop. It's something that's been said so many times exactly the same way as you put it here. Originality is important in art; if you are writing for yourself (which should be the primary reason) and only yourself, then write whatever feels good. But if you really want to pursue it and work on the quality, just read five or ten poems posted by people in this forum- it'll probably totally change your point of view. If I had a soul I sold it |
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Rebelious Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 57Kansas, USA |
Thanks, will do. I do want to persue some good poetry. I have been reading alot on this forum since I just got on here, and from what I have read most the good ones are mostly not rymeing. I like to make it ryme, but I see where you are comeing from and I thank you for your honesty. I'll try some stuff and post it. Thanks for the input. |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hello Rebellious, Welcome to the Critical Analysis forum. Some would say, "you are brave topost your first time in here." I don't agree with that at all. I think it shows you are interested in improving. If so then this place can be a help. Now, I'd like to expand just a little on what Hush said. In general, read, read, read and study, study, study. Learn from the works of others with more experience. Also write, write, write. There is no other way to getthe experience. My personal preference is to perfect a poem to the best of my ability at the time, then post it here for ideas. Now, on the format you have chosen here, it is termed rhyming couplets. This particular form lends itself quite well to lighter subjects but can be difficult to pull off regarding a serious matter, as you have here. It certainly can be done but it does require a great deal of thought. I refer you to Poe's "Alone" as a good example. Also, I think you will find that shorter lines (fewer feet) will help with couplets. The biggest pitfall of this for is the tendence for the rhymes to sound forced and trivial. One more thought comes to mind too. Although not a rigid requirement, rhyming poetry nearly always works better when coupled with a consistent meter. For the above reasons, I think this one needs a lot of work but it can be done. If you do decide to rewrite it, do resubmit as a majot revision. The differences would be most interesting to see. If not then show us some more work soon. Actually, we really are a pretty friendly bunch and want to help. Meanwhile, I expect you will get some more suggestions on this one. Thanks for posting and for joining the fourm. Pete |
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