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A Life Story
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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A Life Story |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704
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She’s somebody’s mother and this isn’t how life had imagined itself through her room. It had starred curtains, dolls and the breath of her sister. Her father had drank and left her outside the pub at nights, but she’d lived by a beach and felt the Naumutu wind pass her over. Sometimes, she’d hear ruru and shiver, pulling the covers to her chin, thinking of Maori superstitions; Shona slept, older than her and bossy. At the Catholic school she dropped pencils and had her knuckles rapped by kind Nuns. She wrote in patches with no encouragement, not knowing about the family gift (now she won’t even read – she’s burnt out). She created practical jokes, made storms in teacups and her mother couldn’t understand her. A bridesmaid in luminous hair and cloth daisies sewn to an old nightie, she shone at her sisters wedding day. Later, she modelled in Auckland and then wore scuffed blue jeans – hitch-hiking round the country. Men lusted after her body, her green eyes. She was pregnant in Sydney. Then she lived by the sea and macracapas, fed cats and argued with her husband. She heard the ruru again and felt fated. Now her child has grown and she lives without light. The man is long gone, her mind hears voices. She prays to Jesus everyday. Broken capillaries map her face, her heart has stopped several times and her brain bled once. The Naumutu winds still seep in – she wears her op-shop clothes and sees fortune in a day when she walks without a cane. She’s 47. (Notes: Ruru - the Maori word for morepork, which is New Zealand's native owl. Naumutu - the name of a beach. Macracapa - a tree) |
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| © Copyright 2001 Kamla Mahony - All Rights Reserved | |||
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
"She wrote in patches with no encouragement, not knowing about the family gift (now she won’t even read – she’s burnt out). " I found this part a little awkward- the parenthesized part seems like it was tacked on- it's kind of an overkill. Other than that I liked it, the wording is graceful, but it's a bit prosey- like paragraphs with extra line breaks. If I had a soul I sold it |
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Dark Angel Member Patricius
since 1999-08-04
Posts 10095 |
Hi Hon You already know what I think about this, and actually having heard you read it is even more wonderful even in it's sadness sweetheart. At the Catholic school she dropped pencils and had her knuckles rapped by kind Nun "knuckles rapped by kind Nun" Love the contradiction here it just keeps going over and over in my head  Then she lived by the sea and macracapas, fed cats and argued with her husband. She heard the ruru again and felt fated. Now her child has grown and she lives without light. The man is long gone, her mind hears voices. She prays to Jesus everyday. I would like to add, the short sentences in the lines above really add a strong effect and allows the reader to feel the poem. Gives it an urgent feel. The Naumutu winds still seep in – she wears her op-shop clothes and sees fortune in a day when she walks without a cane. She’s 47. I like the way you ended it hon, it made my heart thump hard. So, great impact. Had me stunned. Well done as usual Maree |
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Ryan Member
since 1999-06-10
Posts 297Kansas |
I'm intrigued by this, but I don't think you do the subject justice. The title, "A Life Story," in my opinion would be better off as a title of a book of poems, not a single one. For example, the sentance "She was pregnant in Sydney" could be a poem on it's own. Same goes with many more lines in this poem. I agree with the person who said it sounds quite prosey. I think that is simply b/c you are trying to put too much into a poem that is too short. I don't think this is a failure, but rather a starting point for many other poems. I guess in relation to the poem itself, I don't have any real comments. Scratch that. I do have something to say about the last line. I don't think it works that well. It seems so very blunt. Perhaps weave it into the last stanza. For example (rough example): The Naumutu winds still seep in – as they have for 47 years - ... That's maybe not the best way (or to your liking), but I think something like that would help the ending. I like the line beginning "Broken capillaries" but I don't think the rest of that stanza matches up with the first line. I think it's another line that could become a poem. I like the stanza ending with "She prays to Jesus everyday." I don't like how the phrase "the man is long gone" is in there. I don't know why, but I don't think it works as well as the other parts of the stanza. I also like the way you use the ruru several places in the poem. I think it could be weaved into more of the poem though. A sort of harbinger of things coming, or maybe a personal god of some sorts (Achebe writes of "chi" in his novels of the Ibo tribes in Africa). I think that would add an interesting aspect to the poem. Or at least add onto what is already an interesting aspect fo the poem. I don't think I have any other thoughts right now. I may be back later with more (or it may take me 6 months again to make another reply here...maybe in 5 years from now, I'll finally hit 500 posts). Thanks for posting this poem. It was interesting to read and think about. I hope you'll think about the idea of using this as a starting point for a series of poems. I'd be interested in seeing them. Ryan "ah, little girls make shadows on the sidewalk shorter than the shadow of death in this town--" - Jack Kerouac |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
Hey everyone...okies...a recurrent theme I will just address right now. Yes, this is prosey because it is prose/poetry. Intentionally - hence the use of the word 'story' in the title...it wasn't intended to be a traditional form of p/p...but definitely a form of... Hush: thanks for your crit (and welcome to passions btw)I did question the brackets myself...this poem is going up for review in my creative writing course tomorrow, so I'm going to ask for their take on it. Tacked on..hmm...it was put into brackets so I could indicate a move to the present, without ruining the past perspective...but if it sounds awkward...I dinna like awkward stuff! Lol...thanks again for your input. Mmy: You have had an extra benefit in that you heard me read it (heh - at least you didn't get to watch me perform it. HAHAHAHAHA kidding.) I'm glad you got an urgent feel from this...that was the intent. (Perhaps you got that solely because you HAVE heard me read it aloud? Though - I don't know if I read it urgently...) Anywho...thanks dear...your thoughts mean much. Cheers. Ryan. Hmmmmm..thinking thinking. I see what you mean, I do indeed. The whole inverse point of this poem (prose/poem if you will) is that this is precisely the point. These snapshots DON'T do justice to a life do they? The subject of a life...a minute, empty, hurried over, ended-in-tragedy life... When I was writing it I felt that if I belaboured every point, to create a long poem - I'd end up overstating everything. Also - in my class we're working at creating minimalism within poems of high-emotionality. 'The Naumutu winds still seep in – as they have for 47 years - ...' blech. Simply because 'she's 47' has shock value doesn't it. It's stark...while your suggestion can certainly work within the poem itself it doesn't follow where I've taken the poem itself. 'the man is long gone' hmm..why not? Is it the tone? The image? You say you don't know what it is you don't like...?? I'd be curious to know 'what taste it left in your mouth' so to speak..(in 6 months heh  )I like your idea about the ruru. My intent: it is a harbringer of death in Maori superstition...I saw it as the harbringer of a living death. And your idea as a starting point for many poems really interests me I'll admit...if I do so I'll email you them...plague you hehehe... thanks for your comments and time Ryan - muchly appreciated...  K |
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Ryan Member
since 1999-06-10
Posts 297Kansas |
"These snapshots DON'T do justice to a life do they?" I'd have to disagree here. I think the snapshots, the small moments in our life, ARE what define our life story. They explain why our life is how it is. We wouldn't have a life story without small moments. I agree that you would probably overstate everything if you talked about every moment of her life in this one poem. But I think the idea would works as a series. So, I'm looking at the "man is long gone" phrase again, and I really can't figure out why I disliked it last night. I think I might even like it now. I still don't like the last line. I really don't feel that it has any shock value to it. Maybe I've lost the objectivity on it though b/c I've read through the poem multiple times now. I think maybe b/c this type of person isn't all that uncommon in our world (am I too cynical about the state of things now?), I wasn't all that suprised when you said she was 47. It's perhaps not what will be expected, but I don't it is shocking. To me, it would be more shocking if she stilled prayed to Jesus everyday (keeping her faith through all her troubles). In fact, I actually kind of like that as a final line: "She still prays to Jesus everyday." But maybe that's not the direction you want to take this. Anyway, these are just my thoughts. Thanks for the poem. Haven't thought this much since they let me out of school 2 weeks ago. Ryan "ah, little girls make shadows on the sidewalk shorter than the shadow of death in this town--" - Jack Kerouac |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
ROTFLMAO Sorry Ryan I really am though...heh...not that I'm not taking anything you say seriously... hmmm...would it help to know that this is actually a true life story and the person really is 47? K |
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epoet Member
since 2000-05-11
Posts 291grand rapid,MI, usa |
Severn first off let me start by saying this is the first of your poems I have had the pleasure of reading. I liked the construction of this poem as it is quite different than what I am used to seeing. However, I think that you could have elaborated a little more on her life and some of the happy times as well as the ones in the poem. Seems to me that she only has had despair and grief her whole life. Wasn't anything good about her life? Did she not have any joy in life or even in the raising of a child? Thanks for the read and let me know what comes of this. P. J. Kotrch |
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Jamie Member Elite
since 2000-06-26
Posts 3168Blue Heaven |
You already know most of what I think of feel about this-- yes you could have gone into greater detail and expanded on the theme, and the ( ) do detract a bit... I don't think there is anything else I find not to my liking. I also liked the ending as is. It is very moving hon.  JThere is society where none intrudes, by the deep sea, and music in its roar. |
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jenni Member
since 1999-09-11
Posts 478Washington D.C. |
Kamla– This is a really intriguing poem. You employ a very flat, detached, observational tone here, journalistic even, and at the end we’re left with a woman, 47 years old, whose life is in ruins. How has she arrived at this point? Uncaring parents, a bossy sister, cruel teachers, predatory men, poor life choices, mental illness possibly, or perhaps that Maori ruru, or Fate, or whatever, any combination thereof. Who knows? What can we ever know about anyone, really? Just some of the facts, and rarely, if ever, the “why”. I like that the poem doesn’t give us everything all neatly wrapped up. I do think, however, for the poem to work we need to care about the woman and her life, and, for me, anyway, you didn’t quite pull it off, despite what appears to be a heart-wrenching story. The first half of the poem is great; you deftly show us key events and facets of the woman’s childhood and get the reader involved in her life. The second half of the poem, however, becomes more of a laundry list of misfortunes; you give the reader (this reader, anyway) too little to work with. Contrast, for example, the father in the first stanza and the husband in the fourth stanza. In very few words, you show us something crucial and unique about the father: he “drank and left her outside the pub at nights.” That is all you ever say of him, but it is enough; we can see the kind of man he is, and can imagine the effects such a father might have a child. The husband, on the other hand, suddenly appears and is just as quickly “long gone,” with no similar detail to show us something unique about him and their relationship. We know they argued, but every couple argues. (My grandparents argued for over 50 years, so I’m told.) We know that by the time she is 47 he is “long gone”, but really we have no idea why – did he run off with another woman? Was he killed in a car accident? – or even when this happened (were they together a year? ten years?), and it makes a difference. Same with the child; all we know about the child is that by the time the woman is 47 the child has grown; the woman now “lives without light” (a cliched phrase, I might add), but we don’t even know if the child is a boy or a girl. Even her inner life – “She heard the ruru again and felt fated” – is flat compared with the vivid picture we get in the second stanza (“she’d hear ruru and shiver, pulling the covers to her chin, thinking of Maori superstitions”). This lessens the emotional involvement and impact for the reader, at a time when the poem should be building tension. You do some very beautiful things in the first half of the poem with the father, the sister, the girls' room, the ruru, the bridesmaid dress; I think if you showed the reader a few more vivid details in the second half, particularly the fourth stanza, you’d have one pretty awesome poem here. Thanks for a very interesting read! Jenni |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
epoet: Well...thankyou I end up doing far more moderatey things than posting poetry unfortunately...which I regret...but can't be helped...Now..as to your suggestion: quote: ...some of the happy times...well...I did - the first section WERE her happy times...those moments I captured - hitch hiking, the wedding, going to Sydney - being pregnant...those ARE the highlights of her life. As this is a true poem, they are true moments. I'm afraid that this IS a poem of defeat...it truly is. It is also not supposed to be a work of elaborations...it is a collection of moments designed to leave an overall taste - and I think it may have worked, since you ask for more happy moments...that suggests there is a depressed feel - an intended one. Given some other feedback I've had I might consider elaborating the last section a little more...it's funny - I deliberately left it sparse so as to indicate how sparse her life had/has become, but I'm not sure now that has worked... thanks for your comments, epoet. J dear: and you know WHY I didn't go into greater detail lol...I asked people in my class about the brackets...they liked them...so I'm still undecided honestly...pondering pondering. Thanks hon... jenni: firstly - thanks, for the indepth crit. Your critiques are usually valuable...and this is no exception. quote: I wasn't intending the tone to be quite so flat I think...perhaps that comes from the complete lack of emotive words such as 'suffer' or 'misery' or whatever you might have. I think another contributing factor is the fact that the subject is without an opinion - she is narrated. And the narrator isn't visible either. It really is a telling. Yet, still I must argue there is emotion in this. Perhaps, it just needs to be read differently? Now..let me try and explain what on earth I tried to do here... the 'laundry list' of misfortunes was written in such a way as to illustrate not only the rapidity of her life's descent, but also the great aching spaces between. One bad event to another. The first half is fuller isn't it. Richer...then it is a dry skeleton. It's intentional. I didn't just want pity for her - I wanted a feeling of barrenness...a husk without having to spell it out. I feel that to add more vivid details I might compromise my intent..however..I can see where you are going with this. I left out the details of why he left for example, because I wished to show how irrelevant that was. What matters is her ruined state - not HOW she got there. My creative writing class liked it as is - although they had the benefit of my reading it aloud, so heard the tone. Really, I am torn as to how much editing I need to do. You are quite right about the 'without light' line - I can't remember now why I put it in HAHA...it's going lol.. As to whether the child is a male or female - that's simple, the child is me. Thanks for you time jenni...I really appreciated it... K[This message has been edited by Severn (edited 05-30-2001).] |
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jenni Member
since 1999-09-11
Posts 478Washington D.C. |
Kamla– I didn’t mean to say that there was no emotion in this piece. Far from it! I think overall you do an excellent job of conveying emotion here. I meant simply that the tone, or general approach, was “flat”, or, rather, somewhat distanced. (And that’s nothing negative, I really liked that about this piece.) As far as the husband goes, his reasons for leaving or how long they were together, etc., all that stuff may well be irrelevant to the poem here; I’m not saying we need to know why he left her in order to understand the poem. I was using that simply as an example, to point out what I saw as a general movement in the poem from “showing” in the first half to “telling” in the second. I totally see where you’re going with the second half of the piece, and it does, in some sense, seem ironic or counterintuitive to say “make barrenness more vivid!” How weird is that? lol Conveying this kind of emotion is actually one of the most difficult things in writing, I think. But barrenness, defeat, loss, emptiness, the “great aching spaces in between”, these are all emotions every bit as much as joy or happiness, or whatever, and, as with anything else, I think if the reader is to really FEEL them, showing (as opposed to telling) is the way to go. The thing is, in most cases, the writing itself can reflect the emotion it conveys, but with something like barrenness, if the writing itself is barren or sparse, there is little for the reader to connect with. The connection still has to be made, though, right? It’s an interesting paradox; you have to have “something” for the reader to feel the poem’s “nothing.” Anyway, I’ll shut up now, lol. Thanks again for an interesting read. jenni |
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Joricho Member
since 2001-05-06
Posts 56Australia |
I haven't contributed to this discussion just because I wasn't sure what I could suggest. But I did want to say that I thought it was wonderful - moving, evocative, very much an insight into your mother's life - I think it was instantly obvious that this was someone you knew intimately. Congratulations on your courage in writing about a topic that must be v. sensitive for you. Technically, my only comment is that I really loved the way it trails away - the increasingly shorter paragraphs, the blunt statement of her age at the end - I thought this was really effective. Thank-you! |
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furlong Member
since 2001-04-08
Posts 129 |
Severn This poem has a good deal to recommend it. The two things I like best have already been mentioned by jenni and joricho respectively - the opening, and the way in which the stanzas reduce, ostensibly mirroring the reduction in the subject's circumstances. A few details: She's somebody's mother and this isn't how life had imagined itself through her room. It had starred curtains, dolls and the breath of her sister. * a really excellent attention grabbing opening - easy to understand intuitively; beautifully written Her father had drank and left her outside the pub at nights, * "had drank" sounds terribly clumsy - delete "had"? but she'd lived by a beach and felt the Naumutu wind pass her over. * liked the avoidance of the more obvious "pass over her" in favour of a phrase that has a nice dual meaning given the later narrative. Sometimes, she'd hear ruru and shiver, pulling the covers to her chin, thinking of Maori superstitions; * this is nice as well - the very words "ruru" and "shiver" introduce uneasiness so sufficiently that I really wonder whether you need to spell out "thinking of Maori superstitions" in such a matter of fact way, especially given the explanatory footnote. Shona slept, older than her and bossy. At the Catholic school she dropped pencils and had her knuckles rapped by kind Nuns. She wrote in patches with no encouragement, not knowing about the family gift (now she won't even read – she's burnt out). * I liked the irony in "had her knuckles rapped by kind Nuns" and in the capitalisation of "Nuns" (if it was intentional....lol) * I am not too fond of what begins to sound a little like a recitation in the sentence starting "She wrote....". And "burnt out" is a somewhat of a metaphoric cliche is it not? I just feel you could find a better way to say those things. She created practical jokes, made storms in teacups and her mother couldn't understand her. * "made storms in teacups" may be well used but I think it works here in context - this sentence is certainly the strongest of the strophe. A bridesmaid in luminous hair and cloth daisies sewn to an old nightie, she shone at her sisters wedding day. Later, she modelled in Auckland and then wore scuffed blue jeans – hitch-hiking round the country. Men lusted after her body, her green eyes. She was pregnant in Sydney. Then she lived by the sea and macracapas, fed cats and argued with her husband. She heard the ruru again and felt fated. Now her child has grown and she lives without light. The man is long gone, her mind hears voices. * ok, this section I find difficult. On the one hand I appreciate from what you've said to jenni, what you are seeking to do, but on the other the "cataloguing" feel to it combined with several quite well used descriptions make it for me the least inspiring part: "she shone" (small typo on sister's?), "scuffed blue jeans", "men lusted", "lives without light", "hears voices". To me it's almost like the narrator is so painfully involved with the saga (which we now know to be the case) that she has to report these very very sad events in a detached way in order to be able to bear hearing them at all. That may in fact be the truth, but I don't think it helps the poem. * Interestingly the line "Now her child has grown and she lives without light" suggested to me a possible way to alleviate this difficulty. Read in isolation (and even in context perhaps) that line has a good deal of ambiguity - maybe you could consider switching to first person at some point approximately three-quarters of the way through the poem thereby introducing the narrator directly (the obvious place would be where the child is mentioned). This would, I agree, make it a substantially different poem, but it would make for a potentially interesting commentary on the way in which misery can impact on later generations (sometimes much later), it would additionally, certainly provide an "explosion" for the reader as the ramifications hit home, but mainly, I think it would give instant validity and meaning to immediately preceding "flat" tone. Of course though, this is your poem, and I realise what I suggest is a complete departure from your original intent - I guess I'm letting my enthusiasm carry me away....lol She prays to Jesus everyday. Broken capillaries map her face, her heart has stopped several times and her brain bled once. The Naumutu winds still seep in – she wears her op-shop clothes and sees fortune in a day when she walks without a cane. She's 47. * but yes!..I like the closure and think it would still work well in its third person narrative even with an interlude of first person earlier on .. whatever ..lol... I don't know, I just feel that you have a poem here where the narrator is clearly aware of the detail of the subject's life yet remains detached This gives a kind of unreal, almost unfinished feel to the piece - maybe that's what you intended, but I still think that maybe it could be even better if we have even a momentary glimpse of the hidden dimension. The additional depth to the story that would thereby be gained might be worth it perhaps? * as always, just an opinion F |
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Irish Rose Member Patricius
since 2000-04-06
Posts 10263 |
This is an extensive thread, I only want to offer, have you thought of writing it entirely in the present tense? I enjoyed this and can see you have put much work into it and I have had those knuckles cracked by "kind" nuns!!! Kathleen Blake |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
jenni: perhaps I have become paranoid. I mean, the detached tone was entirely intentional...so here I am thinking just maybe it did become devoid of emotion. It's too easy to get close to your own poem, and lose the original feel. Or perhaps that original feel is just distorted anyway lol. Now, as I don't have too much time tonight I will get down to the nitty gritty heh... quote: I disagree. NOT if the writing has previously set up the emotion. Not if the writing bleeds into barrenness. In the case of 'A Life Story' while it does not overflow with emotive imagery, the indications of a full life are there. Then it goes to nothing. How can a poem which depicts a person who has the freedom to hitch hike around an entire country, and then provides a contrast of that person walking with a cane fail to provide sufficient material to connect with? Sure, if the writing is sparse and barren to begin then I will agree. But I can't in this case. (Said while hoping I have indeed removed myself from the poem enough heh.) Joricho: You know, any feedback is appreciated. I am glad the poem touched you, I really am. It wasn't easy per se to write - perhaps, on a personal level, that might explain some of the detached tone? Your comments are much appreciated... F: quote: and you would be right.. quote: Yup - fully aware of this one...and the spelling error on sisters lol. Just can't change it due to the 24 hour edit limit. quote: thanks I am glad this was picked up. quote: hmmmm...well...I don't intend to always have the footnotes. That was really for the benefit of CA. I see your point, yet if I remove that part it narrows it too much, if that makes sense. quote: Nope it wasn't...should it technically be uncapitalised? Wondrous irony no? Lol. quote: got any ideas? Am thinking on it myself.. Now as to your last muddled suggestion haha for that is what it is... You didn't really say WHY a cataloguing technique fails to help the poem. I would appreciate some form of elaboration... I do like the idea of introducing the child's voice...it would significantly change the poem however - and like I mentioned before it was designed as a 'telling' only. I guess I will have to play with it. Thanks for your indepth crit, and your time furlong.. Kathleen: I don't think it would work properly when describing the woman's past. For instance, 'It had starred curtains' would become 'It has starred curtains' - and that just doesn't work. I see your point, but it would detract from the movement of the poem. Thanks for your comments and glad you enjoyed.. K[This message has been edited by Severn (edited 06-02-2001).] |
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furlong Member
since 2001-04-08
Posts 129 |
kamla no, the suggestion isn't muddled, at least it isn't in my mind, i guess by the time it got to the screen it maybe came out muddled though, sorry about that. I was simply saying that a "catalogue" approach in a poem without a clear reason for being there can sound ...well... like a catalogue; and doesn’t add much. Syntax which proceeds: “she did this”.. “She did that”..etc.. has that effect. And all I was saying was, that as the poem stands, for me, it’s not entirely clear why you are doing what you are doing. (i know you've now explained, but you werent around to explain when i first read it!) Letting the reader know who the narrator is would give that “flatness” context (unemotional reporting as a shield against painful memories) and thereby make the whole more powerful? Maybe you don’t agree. F |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
Not sure F...still thinking on it.. one of the curses of coming to CA - makes you think eh? K |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Frankly, I prefer the setting more than the character. In some ways, you've already set an impossible task for yourself; trying to describe a whole life in so few words. I wonder if you might consider this as a series of poems, a large work in process if you will. that might solve some of the problems. But give us more New Zealand detailed imagery. Yes, I admit it, it's often used as a cheap trick but I love that kind of stuff and I think you capture a certain feeling with your diction that in many other poems can so easily fall flat because they depend on the non-English language by itself. I don't think that's the case here. I want more. Write a book on this character. thanks, Brad |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
Well little K, here I am in CA....getting my act together as it were...and if you are tired of seeing this pop back to the top...ah well.... you have been taking my poetry [though not here in CA] and kindly but caringly jabbing it in all the right places.... one thing I've learned of late: brevity...yes? I liked the poetry/prose format. That was my first notation to myself...I also saw the fullness lead to the starkness of the life held herein... I show my changes to your otherwise awesome read below [as yours are always awesome in my eyes, can't help it, just enjoy so much the way you frame things] and I will not say mine are "right", just that your fullness leading to the starkness could have been more severe? But only in kindness, I offer: She’s somebody’s mother and this isn’t how life had first imagined itself through her room. It had starred curtains, dolls and the breath of her sister. Her father drank, left her outside pubs at night; she lived by a beach, felt the Naumutu wind pass her over. Sometimes, she’d hear ruru, shiver, pulling covers to her chin, thinking of Maori superstitions; Shona slept, older than her and bossy. At Catholic school she dropped pencils and had her knuckles rapped by kind Nuns. She wrote in patches with no encouragement, not knowing about the family gift or how it may have come about (now she won’t even read – she’s burnt out). She created practical jokes, made storms in teacups and her mother wouldn’t understand her. A bridesmaid in luminous hair and cloth daisies sewn to an old nightie, she had shone on her sister's wedding day. Later, having modelled through Auckland, then wearing scuffed blue jeans – she hitch-hiked the country. Men lusted after her body, raping her green eyes. She was pregnant in [by] Sydney. It followed then to live by the sea and macracapas, feed cats, argue with her husband. She heard the ruru often, and fate felt cold. Now, her child has grown, she lives without light. The man, long gone, her mind hearing voices. She prays to Jesus everyday. Broken capillaries map her face, her heart has stopped several times and her brain bled once. The Naumutu winds still seep in – she wears her op-shop clothes, sees fortune in a day when she walks without a cane. She’s 47. ~*~ As I am still 49....this hit hard and strong. It is an excellent read, and one I will be proud to see in a book one day. Not necessarily with any of my changes, mind you...but I did want to share with you my thoughts. Hugs, Mama K.... |
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Sundown Junior Member
since 2001-06-04
Posts 16does it really matter? |
Truly this was a good poem, but the line "she's 47" just diddn't cut it... it kind of cuts the whole rythym of the poem to a sceeching halt... other than that... it's great |
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Lady In White
since 2001-02-12
Posts 2799USA |
I think the "screeching halt" was intended.... |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
Yes it was. Coming back for more a more indepth reply to everyone later... cheers all K |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
Aren't your finals finaled? Get your little self back in here..... |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
all right all right lol...give me a chance Kari...thanks for reminding me hon...just letting you know I've seen this and will try and get it done today haha.. love ya K |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
Ok, here I am... Brad. quote: Hmmmmm...I don't believe anything's impossible Groan. Did I say that? I didn't mean it I swear. Not this task anyway. Of course it isn't impossible. I'm describing in short jerks the transition and awkward movement of a life that began with a certain amount of normalcy and ended up in tragedy. Do I need detail to express that? I don't think so. BUT, a larger work of this character is something I will indeed consider. I really will. (You know what? I actually do want to write a book on my mother's life and her experiences with the NZ mental health system - just have to convince her for participation...might be hard.) I have another poem I posted in Open (egad heh) that I have decided to post here which is solely about the NZ countryside...then you can rip into that for me and tell me how the diction works, I'd be interested to know. Thanks as always for your comments...Kari... quote: Wow. I nearly fell over when I read this. I was most happy to see you here, critiquing me! Smile. Yes to brevity. I prefer it. Long, arduous phrases riddled with adjective after adjective belong with the pastoralists of the 19th century in my very biased opinion. Let the reader find their own way...my favourite metaphor for that: provide a frame, not an entire picture...I detest overstatement...let me just state that again heh.. I also now believe in concrete imagery...remember my former vague little offerings? I think those metaphoric poems were my learning curves...the groundbreakers in a sense... I thought about your suggestions and what I liked most was the tone they added. I have actually done one revision of this poem, a few weeks ago before my exams. I realised it needed to have just a little more detail. Your suggestions helped me to create the tone a little more... (I've posted it below, but don't expect major changes heh...a second revision isn't out of the question however.) Thank you Kari for your valuable words. Sundown - one question for you? Does a life like that at 47 'cut it'? Heh...can you perhaps understand the screeching halt with that thought in mind? I think it's important to think of rhythm and sound as going beyond words, but including emotion and tone.. Thanks all..sorry it took so long...here's the revision: A Life Story (first revision) She’s somebody’s mother and this isn’t how life had imagined itself through her room. It had starred curtains, dolls and the breath of her sister. Her father drank and left her outside the pub at nights, but she’d lived by a beach and felt the Naumutu wind pass her over. Sometimes, she’d hear ruru and shiver, pulling the covers to her chin, thinking of Maori superstitions; Shona slept, older than her and bossy. At the Catholic school she dropped pencils and had her knuckles rapped by kind Nuns. She wrote in patches with no encouragement, not knowing about the family gift (now she won’t even read – it’s too much). A practical joker, she made storms in teacups and her mother couldn’t understand her. A bridesmaid in luminous hair and cloth daisies sewn to an old nightie, she shone at her sister’s wedding day. Later, she modelled in Auckland and then wore scuffed blue jeans – hitch-hiking round the country. Men lusted after her body, her green eyes. She was pregnant in Sydney, and married a musician four years later. Then she lived by the sea and macrocarpas, drank cheap wine, and wanted nicer curtains. She heard the ruru again and felt fated. Now, her child has grown, the husband’s long gone, off with a woman who makes bread and fills him with vitamins. Her mind hears voices. She prays to Jesus everyday. Broken capillaries map her face, her heart has stopped several times and her brain bled once. The Naumutu winds still seep in – she wears her op-shop clothes and sees fortune in a day when she walks without a cane. She’s 47. K[This message has been edited by Severn (edited 06-25-2001).] |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
WhooHoo! |
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