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Critical Analysis #1
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another draft
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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another draft |
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Joricho Member
since 2001-05-06
Posts 56Australia |
Here's another tentative draft - should explain that Anzac Day is the Aussie day of remembrance for soldiers who've fought for the country. Not sure about a title yet. Passing the Shrine of Remembrance, the Thursday before Anzac Day. Bright wreaths propped against the columns, the small flame leaping lest we forget. Then, on Edward Street, a beggar with a sign: Hungry. Broke. Vietnam Vet. [This message has been edited by Joricho (edited 05-27-2001).] |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
I like this... Just wondering though...I have a 'thing' about punctuation within small poems. Have you thought about trying this one without it? EVEN though I admit I see how it works here... 'the Thursday before Anzac Day' I find the repetition of 'day' in this line is a bit fluffing...doesn't slide over the tongue too well...and I wonder if perhaps this line: 'Bright wreaths propped against the columns' could read as: 'Bright wreaths propped against columns' mainly because the 'the' begs for a 'There are bright wreaths'...if that makes sense lol... I think you've said this quite well in the space of only a few words and images...  K[This message has been edited by Severn (edited 05-27-2001).] |
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Joricho Member
since 2001-05-06
Posts 56Australia |
Thanks - I think you're right about both your technical points! I'm not sure about the punctuation thing - I'll try and see what it looks like. My hunch is that the topic of this - Anzac Day - is the kind of conservative idea that lends itself to a punctuated format, but maybe as a subversion I should lose the punctuation! |
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Ryan Member
since 1999-06-10
Posts 297Kansas |
Does the Shrine of Remembrance have some sort of flame at it? If not, I am not sure where the image of the flame in line 4 is coming from. If so, maybe that should be made clearer. I like the subtle irony of the flame not wanting us to forget, and then the closing with the forgotten vet. That is where most of the power of this piece comes from, I think. I'm not sure if I like the transition of "Then, on Edward Street..." It seems kind of abrupt. I don't have any suggestions on how you would change it though. Overall, I'm wanting to say maybe you should flesh this out some, but I don't know if I really should say that. I like this now, but I'm also inclined to feel you could do something more with it. But damnit (I hate censoring asterixes...I really do), I'm not sure on this idea. So if you like it short, keep it that way, but I'd say go for it if you also have the creeping suspicion that there could be more here. Afterall, two amateur writers can't be wrong, can they? *grins* On a side note, tomorrow is Memorial Day here in the US (our version of Anzac Day). In the past, I have gone out with my dad and grandmother to visit graves of long forgotten relatives. Today, we visited my aunt and ordered pizza from Pizza Hut. The cynical part in me wants to laugh, but some other part wants to go out next year and find all those old gravestones of relatives I never met and apologize for eating pizza today. Maybe this should go over to my timezones post in the Alley, but I like it here. Anyway, nice poem, it got me thinking. I liked it. Ryan "ah, little girls make shadows on the sidewalk shorter than the shadow of death in this town--" - Jack Kerouac |
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Joricho Member
since 2001-05-06
Posts 56Australia |
Thanks Ryan! The Shrine of Remembrance has an "eternal flame" burning (actually it goes out pretty regularly, but that's another poem!). I'm wary of adding anything to this because I am totally not into poems about big issues - only really really good poets can write them without writing cliche. (In high school English everyone wrote poems about war that said things like: war causes tears/war causes fears/why don't the wars cease/why can't we have peace... arrgh!) So I thought I'd just write my experience down short and sharp, without comment. Maybe when I'm 20 years older and have a bit more depth I'll expand it! I worked this Anzac Day, which I think is even more dreadful than going to Pizza Hut! |
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
I agree that the "Then, on Edward Street" was abrupt- it kind of jarred me from one image to another and left me wondering how you got there. If I had a soul I sold it |
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Kirk T Walker Member
since 2000-01-13
Posts 357Liberty, MO |
Ryan: I think the pizza story might make a good short peice. Joricho: Way to be Joricho, some of us still appreciate punctuation. ha ha I think this is the sort of poem that requires one of two things from the reader for full appreciation: knowledge of the holiday/culutre or a little research. It was nice that you included the definition of anzac day for us in CA, but what will later readers have to do? Just a thought. Nonetheless, I think that this poem is effective and does a good job of staying away from the mush that you were talking about "war is bad, etc." I thought that "lest we forget" came the closest to falling into this category. I would consider changing the first 2 lines to the title of the poem so that it sets it up, but isn't the beginning of the poem--it is necessary information but I don't think it works well as the first two lines. Overall, very powerful idea presented through concrete images. Nice job. Disclaimer: The preceding statement is just my opinion. |
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Joricho Member
since 2001-05-06
Posts 56Australia |
Kirk, thanks for the ideas - I will do some work on the first 2 lines. You raise an issue that has come up a few times from this post, and one which does relate to quite a few of my poems. I like to write about very exact experiences, and it's difficult to know how much explanation to give for the details I use. Obviously, really obscure details need explanation, but Anzac Day is a bit tricky, because any Aussie or NZer (and possibly English or Turkish person)would know about it. Would you feel that if you mentioned "July 4" or "Thanksgiving" you would need to explain what those were in detail? Or would you assume that most of your readers would know? Any explanation of Anzac Day or the Shrine would make the poem gratingly "obvious" to an Aussie reader - even though it might enhance your understanding. Do I write for the audience I know, or some imaginary "international" audience? This is a serious question - I'm not being defensive! [This message has been edited by Joricho (edited 05-30-2001).] |
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jenni Member
since 1999-09-11
Posts 478Washington D.C. |
hi there jo-- i guess kirk never saw the movie "gallipoli" with mel gibson? anyway, i've never been entirely sure where the word "anzac" comes from, austrailian-new zealand something or other, but i've definitely come across it before, even here in the US, believe it or not, lol, and i always understood "anzac day" to be akin to our "memorial day." i don't think a reader has to have prior knowledge of aussie culture, though, or do any research, to appreciate the poem, even without your note. a shrine of remembrance with columns, a flame "lest we forget" -- what else could this be but a war memorial? it seems pretty clear to me. as far as what should be explained to your audience, i think it all depends on context, there's no easy answer. you can't always explain everything; if you did, you'd always be writing for the lowest common denominator. sometimes it just isn't important -- i still love the song "waltzing matilda" even though i have absolutely no clue what it is about, it has the strangest lyrics i've ever heard, lol; other times it is important, but you just have to give the reader a few clues and hope for the best; at still other times, a full explanation is required. it all depends. i think you hit the right balance here. that said, the poem didn't quite work for me. it just seems too... i don't know, too obvious, or something, i can't quite put my finger on it. i think it might be because there's almost no indication in the poem what the speaker thinks or feels about the homeless vet. we don't know if the speaker walks on by, or stops and gives him money, or what. basically, the reader is simply presented with an interesting juxtaposition. i guess the implication is it's awful, or ironic, we SHOULD remember the men and women who have served our nation, and honor the sacrifices they've made, but yes, of course. the thing is, why don't we? and even if we did, what can one individual do, anyway, to really help the vet? simply honoring him isn't enough, is it? but how is one person, or even a society, supposed to cure societal ills like unemployment, poverty, hunger? these are much more difficult issues, and -- *sigh* -- ones that take the poem in an entirely different direction. i guess, in one sense, the poem "works" fine, lol, it certainly has me thinking about things, and i imagine that's what you intended, so maybe i should just say, "never mind," lol. one thing, if you want to keep the poem basically as it is, you might want to consider working in, somehow, what you said in your comment above about how the "eternal" flame actually goes out pretty regularly. i thought that was a very interesting and vivid little detail about the shrine that perfectly suits your poem here; perhaps as the speaker passes the shrine, workmen are just finishing up, getting it ready for anzac day, putting all this effort into all this public symbolism, and the flame is working again, but here's this homeless vet around the corner. i don't know, something to think about. ok, i'll shut up now, lol. thanks, as always, for a good read. jenni |
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Joricho Member
since 2001-05-06
Posts 56Australia |
very good points, Jenni, as always! I particularly like the idea of incorporating the image of the flame going out regularly. I think I'm starting to realise that I have been fairly lazy with this poem - not been willing to do the work that's required to do better things with it. As Brad said in the My Colors thread, one of the great things about this whole process of CA is that you actually see the possibility of other poems within your own. I'm starting to see another poem here, which I think I'll go away and write - and maybe post here at a later date! By the way, ANZAC stands for Australian New Zealand Army Corps, and if I had the time I'd love to go through waltzing matilda in painful detail!! However I'll spare you! |
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