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Critical Analysis #1
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7
Member
since 2000-04-26
Posts 113
Amherst, MA, USA

0 posted 2001-05-21 01:35 PM


can't leave the house cause i'm too young
can't go to sleep cause i'm not done
the song that keeps playing is the most depressing track
and i can't figure out how to get you back
revenge or reposession?
either would suffice
you're the kind of drug no one should try twice
and the tears that are falling can't decide why
because they don't deserve to escape from my eyes


© Copyright 2001 Paula - All Rights Reserved
Kirk T Walker
Member
since 2000-01-13
Posts 357
Liberty, MO
1 posted 2001-05-21 08:25 PM


hmm.  Very song lyric-ish.  I think the near rhyme of the last 3 lines really don't work too well. twice, why, eyes don't quite rhyme, but I want them to SO BAD.  I would consider dropping the last 4 lines as they don't say anything to original and don't add much to the poem.

Disclaimer: The preceding statement is just my opinion.


Joricho
Member
since 2001-05-06
Posts 56
Australia
2 posted 2001-05-22 12:51 PM


I agree - very catchy, with enough originality for you not to mind when it gets stuck in your head for three days! But it needs MUSIC!
I would only lose the last 2 lines - I think the suffice/twice rhyme and idea is neat. I also think the last 2 lines add a bit of unnecessary sentimentality to what is otherwise fairly wry misery!

7
Member
since 2000-04-26
Posts 113
Amherst, MA, USA
3 posted 2001-05-22 06:46 AM


Yeah, I felt the same way about the last two lines. And I have a friend actually trying to put it to music. But you know how when you write a poem you get the rhythm sort of stuck in you and anything anyone else tries just sounds terrible? Thanks for your comments.

7

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