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My first sonnet--Fisrt revision help!
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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My first sonnet--Fisrt revision help! |
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kitkat Senior Member
since 2000-01-11
Posts 878Nova Scotia 
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Hi everyone, I am trying to branch out on my writting skills. I have composed this sonnet. Please, Please feel free to pick it apart so I can LEARN to make it flow better. Song for a Love A melody so sweet I sing so true my music falls so silent on your ear The wind will carry my song to you Alas not heard my eyes do shed a tear. Heavy my soul burden with such sorrow Desires filI to bathe in your delight your presence I must wait till tomorrow So cold I am, no warmth for me tonight Awaken by dawn of a golden hue with voice so strong, my song I will begin I must prevail to win this search for you- Rebirth of hopes and dreams cascade within Travel my melody -find my True Love Carry him back to me from heavens above -------------- You got to get up every morning with a smile on your face and show the world all the love in your heart Then people are gonna treat [This message has been edited by kitkat (edited 05-18-2001).] |
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| © Copyright 2001 Kathy Harmon - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hi KitKat, I'd like to discuss this one but my computer is acting really flaky tonight. I'll come back tomorrow. Pete |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
OK, I finally got back. Since you say this is your first sonnet, let's start with the basics. First, you have an interesting approach to an old subject. That's not easy to do. Particularly when writing a sonnet about love, one must constantly strive to express it in a new or different way. There have been so many already done that it can be a real stretch to do that. Now to the technical side. It is generally accepted that English sonnets are usually written in iambic pentameter. This is not to say that IP is the only acceptable meter. However, most seem to agree that you should learn to master that before you begin trying variations. Look at your third quatrain: quote: This is near perfect iambic pentameter and it flows very well although a little punctuation could improve it. I would alter it thus: Awakened by the dawn of golden hue, My sights are set, my song I now begin: Prevail I must to win this fight for you - Rebirth of hopes and dreams cascade within. Note, I added a comma, a colon and a dash. I also changed the first word to past tense which I think you intended. Grammatically, the colon and dash are not quite correct but they give the reader the direction I would want. The rest of the poem is mixed meter so it doesn't flow so well. Go back and work on those other lines to make them match the meter you have so well employed in these. Then you will have a much stronger sonnet. The next matter deals with some of your word choices. For the most part, you seem to be using modern language but you intersperse a few archaic words. As some others have said, Shakespeare actually talked that way because everyone did at that time. Usually, you should write in the language of today. As soon as I say that, I will be wrong. There is nothing at all wrong with writing a sonnet in Elizabethan English. But you must be consistent throughout if you do so. I like to do that sometimes but only rarely. Generally you will get much more interest with modern language. You used thy instead of your in the second line for no apparent reason. And there are a couple of places where you have wordings which are not commonly used today and could probably be avoided. For example, in line 1, "my voice does sing" ususally would be spoken as "my voice sings." Then in L4, "my eyes do shed a tear" would usually be spoken, "my eyes shed a tear." Finally in L8, "So cold I be" would never be said, it isn't even grammatically workable. use am instead, it says the same thing and works just as well, without being wrong. Now, I have to agree that all the things you have done that I complained about could legitimately be done for special effect and might be effective in that context. But unless there is some specific reason for doing so, I think you should try to avoid it. The result is that people read you poem and their first thought is, well, she's trying to sound like Shakespeare but not doing a very good job of it. I'd like to see you rework this one and repost it. I do think it has potential and is a quite good start for a first attempt. Meanwhile, maybe you'll get some more suggestions from some of the others here. Thanks for posting. Pete |
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jenni Member
since 1999-09-11
Posts 478Washington D.C. |
kitkat-- you have the beginnings of very lovely sonnet here! i like the idea of the speaker urging her little song to go out in the world and find her love...very nice!  i agree with everything pete said in his comments above. as far as meter goes, the lines that need attention are lines 1-3, lines 5 and 7, and the couplet. a really helpful thing to do is to recite the lines out loud and force yourself to totally exaggerate the stresses in strict accordance with the meter; the line should still sound relatively natural, with the emphasis on the naturally-occurring stresses :the LINE you READ should SOUND a LOT like THIS and NOT sound LIKE you ARE forc-ING the BEATS  or, as you're writing, tap on the desk or on your leg with your hand, feel that iambic beat -- da-DUM -- and make sure the natural stresses of the words you're using match it. pete brought up the archaic or "Poetic" words ("thy," "Tis," "Alas") and convoluted construction of phrases, and yeah, i think they should go, i'm afraid. the convoluted structres that pete noted, as well as "But your presence I must await...", "my song I now begin," and "Prevail I must to win...." really break the spell of the poem; i kept thinking, ok, here she's setting up a rhyme, here she's trying to make it fit the meter, etc. fixing this kind of thing is at once very simple and very hard: it's an easy matter to turn them around to "i now begin my song" and "i must prevail," for example, but in many places that's going to totally screw up the rhyme, lol. that's poetry for ya; it ain't ever easy, lol. still, you have a great start here, and i'd love to see the revision! thanks for posting this, jenni |
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kitkat Senior Member
since 2000-01-11
Posts 878Nova Scotia |
Thank you pete and jenni. Man the beat thing is what is the hard part..So I will tap my feet and talk out loud.. and probably drive my neighbors crazy but..Oh well I will be back soon with a revised version..:-) |
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furlong Member
since 2001-04-08
Posts 129 |
Hi there kitkat. Pete has done a fine job looking at the technical side of this piece and trying to show you where and why it differs from the "traditional" sonnet form. He also touches on the language used and why it is probably better to try and avoid archaic or quasi archaic words and phraseology. I would like to develop this theme if I may. A sonnet is an extremely compact and symetrical form, it's an extremely appropriate way to convey a particular point or points about or to a particular "subject". I guess this is just one of the reasons that historically so many "love sonnets" have been written. However its very compactness and brevity, combined with the straightjacket of its form, make it essential that the poet thinks out clearly the message she or he wants to get over, so that this can then be set out with clarity and elegance. Confusing syntax, inappropriate diction, ill-thought out line breaks and over used phrases (cliche) will quickly destroy the beauty and effectiveness of any sonnet especially one where the central theme is a message to a [prospective] lover. Turning to your sonnet, it would seem that you have fulfilled the first requirement, that of thinking through the message. "Song" is the title and sure enough the poem seems to revolve around a speaker who endeavours to use music to attract a lover, at first without success - but then, not giving up, once again. The sonnet ends with an inconclusive closure - is the quarry captured or not? We are left to speculate! Nothing wrong with that, in fact I quite like it. However not only have you managed to work through a story, but you also incorporate, in the time honoured place, around lines 8 and 9 a “volte” or “turn” - in this case the dawning of a new day, hopefully bringing new and better fortune to the speaker. So what’s the problem you ask? Well, even if you don’t ask I’m going to tell you......lol  . It’s the language, specifically the diction, the way you’ve put your sentences together, and to a lesser extent the slightly predictable and therefore somewhat monotonous line breaks.As pete as already said, in general you should strive to communicate in a way you readers will grasp relatively easily. Nothing is such a turn off as confusing almost-ungrammatical language, and in a poem as short and direct as a sonnet flaws of this kind are especially off-putting. The first line incorporating “does” is a bad start, but that line also comes off as confusing. Is it the “you” who is “so sweet” or the “voice”, for instance? And the very use of “my voice” is like stating the obvious - what else sings? What is wrong with a simple: “I long for you and softly sweetly sing but does my music fall upon your ear?” Ok, lol, you may hate the alliteration but at least this has the merit of being more readily understood and in pretty good iambic pentameter. Heartbeats flutter with the butterflys wing >>> heartbeats - flutter - butterflys all in one line. The line is immediately devoid of any feeling or any real communication with your reader. These words have been used so so many times before they have long ago lost any impact used in this context. You really do need to find a more original way to SHOW us how the speakers emotions were roused in anticipation...... please!! Alas, not heard, my eyes do shed a tear. >>> again, this reads almost like a notebook abbreviation, and the use of “do” is distracting and clunky. My soul now fills so heavily with sorrow. Tis my desire to bathe in your delight. But your presence I must await tommorow So cold I be, no warmth for me tonight. >>> I’m running out of time here (I’m sorry), but the same sort of comments apply to this quatrain as well. Small typo on tomorrow. Awaken by the dawn of golden hue My sights are set, my song I now begin Prevail I must to win this fight for you Rebirth of hopes and dreams cascade within. >>> this is your best quatrain but try to get rid of inversions such as “Prevail I must......” - why not just say “I must prevail......”? Travel my melody to the one I Love Go forth and search every heaven above >>> is there any reason for the for the uppercase “L” on love? Also “every heaven” sounds weird - if you have to use it, how about just “the heavens”. You’ll lose your syllable count I know, but really the line needs some work on the meter in any case. >>> I know the latter part of my comments were pretty negative - they are however meant kindly and constructively, I wish I had more time right now to continue - but alas! ... don’t give up with this, it has potential and, like pete, I would very much like to see a revision.F |
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Midnitesun
since 2001-05-18
Posts 28647Gaia |
Wow, kitkat...Even though it needs some polishing, isn't this a bold move for you, to write a sonnet? I just signed on to this site today. I intend to read a while before posting anything. Iambic pentameter is a sophisticated poetic form. The people who are giving you suggestions are knowledgeable. Jerry referred me to this site, and he was so right[smile] Midnitesun, Kacy |
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