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Critical Analysis #1
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Sunday Afternoon (rewrite)
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Sunday Afternoon (rewrite) |
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J.L. Humphres Member
since 2000-01-03
Posts 201Alabama |
The sleeping boughs of Winter's trees broadcast their cold brown leaves loudly, out across the air waves of a warm sunburned December sky. Static haunts the fringes of Davis, but it's the Evening's music being broadcast across my soul. i'm carried hastily to sleep on beds made from the kindness of God. Dusk, like the rains soon to wash me away, fills the Afternoon. crashes down upon the world, and the Day goes down sweetly, while i am at peace. I posted this several weeks ago but it wasn't quite what I wanted. I think this is closer to the idea I was looking for. Jason |
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| © Copyright 2001 Jason L. Humphres - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Pearls_Of_Wisdom Member
since 2000-09-02
Posts 175 |
Jason, Hmm.... I hate to admit it, but I think I liked the first one better! Sorry... Umm... let me see if I can figure out why. I think maybe this one seems a little too precise, a little too well constructed. That doesn't make any sense, I'm sure, but I think in clarifying so well what you meant in the first version, you lose that great minimalism thing you had going that allowed it to be more interpretive and less direct. All of this is just my opinion, and maybe I'm biased. I guess you get used to the first version of something and then any changes seem strange, kind of like with covers of songs. This by itself isn't a bad poem or anything, though. It's interesting, descriptive and good, for lack of a better word. I think it's trying to compare it that's messing me up. And also, I'm not really into jazz, so I can't quite get into it. Before, when it was just music, maybe it allowed the readers to mentally put in their own idea of what they would listen to or would imagine the speaker listening to. I don't know. I can get a sense of the whole jazz culture / whatever thing from this, so that's a step in the right direction, but as I said, I can't directly relate. You know, I could be unfairly judging this because I can't quite remember what I said about the first version. I hope you're not disappointed or anything, but this all was just my opinion right now. Maybe I'll come back when I'm more awake and give it another look. Ashley |
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Joricho Member
since 2001-05-06
Posts 56Australia |
I didn't see your first version, so I can't compare - hope that's OK. I loved some of the images - "static haunts the fringes of Davis..." All very MELLOW! I like! BUT are the capitals necessary? I find them v. jarring! |
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
I think your imagery is somewhat jarring. In the fist stanza, you went from cold winter boughs to warm sunburned December... (?) In the second stanza, you describe dusk, and in the third, you go back to afternoon turning into dusk, phrasing it all in present tense- it's confusing and disrupts flow. Also- the images of an ending were very blunt- the caps were okay, except that in the beginning you had a month/season them, and then you went on to the time of day theme for the rest of the poem- I would suggest either sticking to one thing or diversifying it throughout the entire piece. another instance of conflicting imagery- dusk crashing/day going down sweetly- the two don't seem to coincide to me. Maybe you used contradictions to make a point, but if that was your aim, you didn't make it all too clear to begin with. I think your wording is absolutely wonderful- it's your clarity that could use some work. If I had a soul I sold it |
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