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Dream of Dreams
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Dream of Dreams |
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Passnot Junior Member
since 2000-01-22
Posts 18 |
Night time blankets consciousness Sleeping through days of sorrow Burying grieves of tomorrow Outlasting time's destruction I cross the barrier of my sanity Always being true to my vanity Days go like nights come Life comes like death goes Never forgetting the forgotten woes First of the best of lies Fear overwhelms an internal beating Anticipation of my last meeting A vague impression of one's own divinity I condemn my only best friend Disregarding I will cut my descend A new will found Courage grows strong Lost forever long |
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| © Copyright 2001 Passnot - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Kirk T Walker Member
since 2000-01-13
Posts 357Liberty, MO |
I like the basic ideas. The rhyme seems a little forced. I really liked "days go like nights come/life comes like death goes". I also thought the ending was weak. I think I would lose most of the third lines like so and forget the rhyme and hone the meaning. Night time blankets consciousness Sleeping through days of sorrow Outlasting time's destruction I cross the barrier of my sanity Days go like nights come Life comes like death goes First of the best of lies Fear overwhelms an internal beating Anticipation of my last breath A vague impression of one's own divinity Just suggestions. Disclaimer: The preceding statement is just my opinion. |
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jenni Member
since 1999-09-11
Posts 478Washington D.C. |
passnot-- um...this seemed a little flat to me, to be honest. i think there's a good poem in there somewhere, but right now it's much too vague, like you're trying too hard, perhaps, to be Poetic. i agree with kirk, the rhymes seemed forced, and i don't see what this structure does for the piece, really. a bit of punctuation might help to establish the relationship between the different lines; right now it's coming across (to me, anyway) as just a sequence of line after line after line, grouped in threes. it's hard to tell, but i think in the first stanza you use "grieves" as a noun, no? i've noticed "grieves" as a noun in your other poems out here, too, actually. it's a little irksome, i guess; "grief" is the noun form, and the plural is "griefs" (an awkward word, true, but not as awkward, in my opinion, as making the verb work as a noun). "descend" in the second to last stanza should maybe be "descent"? in the last stanza, how is the "new will" found? why is new will needed? what's behind the "days of sorrow" in the first stanza? what's with the lies and condemning one's best friend? answer some of these questions and i think you'll be on your way to bringing this poem to life. thanks for sharing this with us, jenni |
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coyote Senior Member
since 2001-03-17
Posts 1077 |
"Days go like nights come Life comes like death goes Never forgetting the forgotten woes" I felt this verse, and believe it says as much as the rest of the piece. But I think I would change the word forgotten to depth of? "Days go like nights come Life comes like death goes Never forgetting the depth of woes" It also flows into the next verse. "First of the best of lies" Fwiw coyote [This message has been edited by coyote (edited 04-30-2001).] |
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roxane Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 505us |
not to echo all that's been said here, but i think you could do without the rhyme as well. to me, rhyme is like a stiff drink: you have a little, and you're happy. too much, and you're saying things you don't really mean. some of these lines are great, but i think you'll notice that it's usually the first line of each stanza that is strongest, which suggests to me, rhyme IS holding you back. |
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