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Passnot Junior Member
since 2000-01-22
Posts 18 |
Coming to ends of pathway's exit Shortest routes in time's eternity First drop of leaves dying in beauty Yesterday's dreams measured in gold Tomorrow's nightmares waiting to unfold Sighted upon crying intentions Within tragedy's shadow premonitions Beyond destination peaks astrayed He speaks upwards in his smile alone But mind's loudness reality shuts off all tone Closed rooms of passions descend Only door reached by close friends As nothing seems surely supported I take one last moment to look over life distorted Over now with no more grieves Freedom at last, fallen leave |
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| © Copyright 2001 Passnot - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hello Passnot, I don't think I have seen your name here before so, welcome to the CA forum. Small world isn't it? Looks like we are neighbors. If you are a student at UCO just look out the window and wave. No real critique at this time but check your email for a welcoming message. Pete |
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Kirk T Walker Member
since 2000-01-13
Posts 357Liberty, MO |
I like the language of this poem, but the rhyme can seem forced at times. I had a few problems knowing what part of speech some words were being used as and this hindered the flow and my understanding of the poem. Ex: "coming to ends of pathway's exit" this seemed to be missing some articles or something. "within tragedy's shadow premonitions" should this be shadowy? "destination peaks" should this be destination's peaks or destination-peak maybe? etc. Disclaimer: The preceding statement is just my opinion. |
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