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Critical Analysis #1
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The balance of a death planet
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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The balance of a death planet |
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coma_dream New Member
since 2001-04-24
Posts 6 |
The stars above These stars that shine, above Sitting here, can’t get enough Like the trees that grow out of the ground I just sit and stop making a sound When the violence comes above I just doubt if this is enough Like the leafs that fall to the ground Dying people stopped making a sound Close your eyes and take the fall but you can’t stop embracing it all Like your footsteps land on the ground When you fall you stop making a sound Everyone on the cliff wait by fall We can’t say goodbye, loving it all Like our beliefs stay in the ground The voices of our gods stopped making their sound Our utter emotions rise above Destroying the thing we call our love Hating eachother it’s never enough So I stare to the stars above... |
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| © Copyright 2001 coma_dream - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Marq Member
since 1999-10-18
Posts 222 |
You've got a nice flow and rhythm but you need to make your lines a little more original. I enjoyed reading this! |
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furlong Member
since 2001-04-08
Posts 129 |
Now it's my turn Marq  All music and no message, no? Coma, I really am truly lost here. I have no real clue as to what you are trying to convey, no concrete images to grasp. Yes, you have some nice sounds, but if they don't mean anything and the reader can't "see" anything then you'll quickly lose your audience. Also the rhyming and repetition was incredibly distracting, or is this some kind of variation on a sestina or other obscure form I probably haven't heard of? Sorry not to be more positive. F |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hello, Good to hear a new voice in here. Actually, this reminds me more of a villanelle although it's obviously not. Something about the almost repeated lines I guess. I think you have a good start on an interesting poem here, because of that near repetition. It does seem too disjointed though. If you could work on the various images and near random thought to pull it together, I think it would improve a great deal. Of course, this is JMHO. Please check your email for a special welcoming message. Pete |
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anonymous albert ?
since 2001-03-23
Posts 2979 |
nice flow.. and u did the rym soo well.. i liked it keep writing   ...?death is not the greatest loss in life. the greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live. -norman cousins |
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