»
Archives
»
Critical Analysis #1
»
Father Owl
| Critical Analysis #1 |
|
Father Owl |
|
|
Kirk T Walker Member
since 2000-01-13
Posts 357Liberty, MO |
Father Owl by Kirk T Walker two-dimensional sky above the devil's playground -- black trees strangling themselves upwards against the gravity of their own roots -- the purple shadows of blood-stained boots -- the haunted owl cries out his part -- God has long been dead of a broken heart tinted -- sunless heaven -- perched -- the whisperings of spies -- thousand years of lovers's quarrels -- black pupils of the winged confidant -- a heartache there isn't he knows not -- not a one in this shattered space as tear-stained bedsheets soak can he embrace horrid -- endless echoes of the demon-hooded breeze taunt of eternal failed retreat from creations error -- of Garden gates -- the dawning of morning's light awaits -- doomed to this nocturnal power -- regrets man's privilege -- with each tearful hour yet fearless and shapeless -- clinging to stretching timber -- not leapt from heaven's ledge in vain -- lands upon the serpent with vengeful howl -- outnumbered by night -- our Father Owl risks no seraph's blood surrender -- tormented by night -- our lone defender true-round pupils turn black -- focus sharp on unseen foe -- chaos-vision reveals the night -- eyes project the cries -- shrieks of babies born, red ink talons slice -- pure white page torn -- Father flies -- legless lizard lays -- testament of hope -- carrion decays serpent-lined is the path -- blue-black void archfiend domain -- corrasion's mark engraved on man -- night's high sirens tempt your poor mother's child -- citizens of the night whisper the wild -- but don't forget Father Owl's part -- God has long been dead of a broken heart [This message has been edited by Kirk T Walker (edited 04-23-2001).] |
||
| © Copyright 2001 Kirk T Walker - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
Irish Rose Member Patricius
since 2000-04-06
Posts 10263 |
I suggest: too many prepositional phrases, you don't need to capitalize the first line of every sentence. I would also cut down on the amount of modifiers used and make the nouns and verbs do the work. You have too many commas in this that don't belong. I hope this doesn't sound like a harsh critique, I only want the piece to improve, it's a good piece, very descriptive. I have many myself that need improvement dratiscally. Kathleen Blake |
||
|
kodak Junior Member
since 2001-04-22
Posts 10London |
fantastic. packed with strong, dark images and unfathomably vivid. This poem makes an impact. I must have read it a dozen times or more. |
||
|
Kirk T Walker Member
since 2000-01-13
Posts 357Liberty, MO |
Irish rose: Please don't feel as though I may be offended by honest, straightforward critique. That's why I post my poetry here. Actually, I know this one has some problems and I intended to work on it some more before posting, but something roxane said in one of her replies to another poem of mine convinced me to go ahead and post it. As far as the commas and caps go, I was considering getting rid of both completely, but I wanted to see what others thought. Perhaps, also I used commas to indicate pauses and I should have used dashes or something else. I will make some changes and you can let me know what you think. Thanks. kodak: a dozen times? I figured you had a photographic memory. ha ha (kodak-photos) Thank you very much for your comments. |
||
|
roxane Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 505us |
kirk- this is awesome. i just love how bleak this is. i think you almost say everything you want to say in your first stanza though. two-dimensional sky above the devil's playground -- black trees strangling themselves upwards against the gravity of their own roots -- the purple shadows of blood-stained boots -- the haunted owl cries out his part -- God has long been dead of a broken heart i only have a few lingering questions. i see humanity as though black trees. who is wearing the boots? and if god is the owl, why does he continue to live if he is dead? i think i may have answered my own question there. "god has long been dead of a broken heart" don't let anyone dissuade you from keeping that line. it's beautiful, pure poetry. i do think though, that the repition at the end takes away from its effectiveness a little bit. it's almost like when you hear someone use a big word, and it makes a lot of sense, and you think it's great, but when they say it again, you think they might be flaunting it. i don't really think that's what you meant to do. actually i think you probably don't have much of an idea of how good that line really is. i don't know. just my suggestion, if you could think of something else. it's really trifing in comparison with how great the rest of this poem is. good work, kirk. |
||
|
williamthepoet Junior Member
since 2001-04-20
Posts 10 |
Wow! that was extremely impressive. i really can't think of any sort of improvements. |
||
|
Kirk T Walker Member
since 2000-01-13
Posts 357Liberty, MO |
williamthepoet: thanks for your comments. roxanne: Thank you very, very much for your comments. Well, actually the black trees aren't intended to be humanity, but actual trees as I try to carve out a setting. The purple shadows of blood stained boots belong to any murderous real-life boogey men figures that may be out in the blackness of night. God is dead in his original form, at least that was my idea. He is personified by the owl just as the serpent is personified in the snake. This is meant to be, in the poem, a literal taking-on of forms not unlike the snake in the Garden. I see what you are saying with the repetition. I repeated it for emphasis and because I thought the line was the most important. I did not want it to be overlooked or become just another line in the poem. However, I personally found NOT the repetition itself distasteful, but the lines "but don't forget Father Owl's part" which seems a lot like saying "the moral of the story is" Anyone else have an opinion on this particular point? |
||
|
~DreamChild~ Senior Member
since 2001-04-23
Posts 544in your dreams |
this is really an awesome poem, with all it's descriptiveness, and vivid imagery. truly, i can offer no criticism. dancing freely with the stars, |
||
anonymous albert ?
since 2001-03-23
Posts 2979 |
ur really good in the imagery in poetry i enjoyed it much and the description was also wonderful keep writing   ...?death is not the greatest loss in life. the greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live. -norman cousins |
||
|
Kirk T Walker Member
since 2000-01-13
Posts 357Liberty, MO |
dreamchild and a. albert:Thanks for the comments! |
||
|
jenni Member
since 1999-09-11
Posts 478Washington D.C. |
kirk-- i thought this was pretty interesting, you really have a lot of vivid, stunning imagery here, i especially liked the "black trees strangling themselves upward". i thought the lack of punctuation other than the dashes worked fine, although i think it tends to slow things down; i found i really had to read slowly and very carefully in order to keep on top of things. nothing wrong with that, of course, just thought you might be interested. the poem is kind of dense anyway, i think, it's not exactly a light, breezy, read, lol (certainly nothing wrong with that, either, lol), maybe a little punctaution here and there might give the reader a break? just a thought. the last stanza, and the repetition of the lines from the first stanza, yeah, seemed a little obviously moralistic, or to be trupmeting the moral, rather. the whole last stanza had the feel of a Conclusion, a sort of formal summation, "[as we've seen,] serpent-lined is the path (etc.);" i might consider doing something about that. the idea of repeating the lines you do is a good one, but the tone shifts with "but don't forget"... it becomes a direct address to the reader, which can rarely be done successfully. keep it in the same descriptive tone you have in the rest of the piece and i think you'll do fine. thanks for an interesting read, jenni |
||
|
Kirk T Walker Member
since 2000-01-13
Posts 357Liberty, MO |
jenni: thank you very much for thoughtful comments. I will continue to play with the punctuation on future revisions and I intend to change the ending a little. |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
