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dreams
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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dreams |
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chas Member
since 2001-04-08
Posts 101Lynn, ma |
DREAMS The chance for me to be happy, is as slim as it can be, I am locked inside a cell, unable to get free, My world is full of disappointments, my emotion full of pain, The torments I have been through, would make a mortal man insane, Every night I call for help, but no one is around to hear, My mind can hardly think, it's clouded with too much fear, Is there anybody out there, is there any one who cares, I have been here way to long, I have been here 18 years, Every day that I sleep, every night when I'm awake, I plan for my moment, my moment to escape, By now you should've known, that I wouldn’t be free until I die, But I dream a dream so pretty, and that what's keeping me ALIVE. |
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| © Copyright 2001 chas - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Kirk T Walker Member
since 2000-01-13
Posts 357Liberty, MO |
Here are my comments: -good sound and flow overall -"would make a mortal man insane" Who is the speaker in this poem? Is it supposed to be a divinity or superman? Perhaps it is supposed to be the dreaming-self rather than the speaker, however this didn't seem to gel with the rest of the poem. -You might try to using some less common images and ideas ex: locked in a cell, going through torment, is anybody out there, who cares, i'm living for a dream, etc. Disclaimer: The preceding statement is just my opinion. |
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roxane Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 505us |
chas- i'm hoping you've not been in prison for 18 years. i'm thinking that (like me) you're 18 years of age. that's fine, but let me tell you, the older members of this forum do not take kindly to the "pity me and my torment" poems that people of our age tend to write at one time or another. that's because they know (as we secretly know) that things are seldom as bad as they seem, particularly in youth. trust me from personal experience. anyways, your poem. i don't care for the title. it's a little hackneyed. the rhyme scheme i think isn't the best idea. rhyming couplets are very hard to take seriously. maybe a sonnet. (i suggest that a lot because i find that people who are sticklers for rhyme really hate being told to try free verse, and they won't do it, they'll just change the rhyme, and they look at going to free verse almost as though i was asking them to join a cult religion or have an amorous experience with a member of the same sex, but anyways) see what you can do with it. i like: "Every day that I sleep, every night when I'm awake, I plan for my moment, my moment to escape," you seem to building your momentum in this couplet, and you seem to be pretty confident too. "But I dream a dream so pretty, and that what's keeping me ALIVE." classic line. in fact, the best line of the poem. in fact, you could (and i think should) build the rest of your poem around this idea. you dream of something so beautiful you want to go on living. focus on the positive and the negative will seem that much more bleak. don't really care for: "The chance for me to be happy, is as slim as it can be, I am locked inside a cell, unable to get free" i've found that people often use "as can be" to force a rhyme. don't do that. if you can't make it rhyme, screw it. who cares? poetry doesn't have to rhyme. throw in some imagery. show me the cell, tell me about the inmates, tell me about the food, the madness. i want to SEE it. The torments I have been through, would make a mortal man insane, aren't you mortal? (say yes, please) I have been here way too long, i have been here 18 years i think i wrote a line like this once. it went something like "we've here forever, and forever is three years" you love that? i don't. it sounds petty. it's like saying "i can't deal with any real difficulty." innocent men have served prison sentences for more than 18 years. and they probably won't don the cape and cowl of martyrdom just yet. they're grateful. the stark contrast of freedom and confinement makes them incapable of selfishness, i think. maybe you should stress the fact that this is ALL you know. that makes it sound a little less bearable. the last line is so good, you need to make it the star of a poem, not just a supporting actor. hope to see something about it soon. |
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Kirk T Walker Member
since 2000-01-13
Posts 357Liberty, MO |
firstly, I agree with roxane's major points. The title Dreams made me think of The Cranberries. She is also right about the teenage angst thing. It is not particularly attractive on the surface of a poem, but there is no reason why you can't express it in the meaning. Just make sure you don't come off like a whining teenager. Something else came to me while reading roxane's comments. 18 years doesn't necessarily have to be the speakers age. Did you just pick that number out of the air, is it the speaker's age, or have you been watching The Hurricane? No, no I think that was 20 years. Reading a book on Nelson Mandela maybe? Yes, I think Mandela was in prison for about that long. Anyway, I'm sure people have served entire life sentences even been put to death despite their innocence. Yet you chose 18. I was wondering if this was a poem about someone else's actual imprisonment? I assume that roxane's original perception that it was your age (which was also my own first interpretation) is correct, but I just thought it was an interesting point to make about AMBIGUITY (especially encased within metaphors) and how we should use it or guard against it wisely in our poetry. Disclaimer: The preceding statement is just my opinion. |
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chas Member
since 2001-04-08
Posts 101Lynn, ma |
thank, but for the record, i am 18 years of age, and i was not in prison. the poem is about a long dream, you can say it last 18 years if you want, the cell is a metaphor for the mind, and in a dream, can you not be immortal? the poem is not that deep, but it express alot about a dream, you can be alone in your mind, or you can dream of pardise, depend how you feel that day. thanks for the reply, but i think i did try to hard to rhyme. thanks |
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Kirk T Walker Member
since 2000-01-13
Posts 357Liberty, MO |
I figured you actually were 18, but I just wanted to make the point that if you don't specify I can say "This is a poem about Nelson Mandela's dreams for his own freedom and the freedom of his country while wrongly imprisoned for 18 years." However, if the 18 years wasn't in there, Mandela wouldn't have crossed my mind. I do see how the dreaming-self could be considered immortal in some sense. You might think about this for the ending: what if the dreamer wakes up , what is the effect on the other side of the metaphor? Also this reminded me of the strange idea that we are merely characters in a dream and when the dreamer wakes up we won't exist. Anyway, good luck with your revisions. Disclaimer: The preceding statement is just my opinion. |
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