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Critical Analysis #1
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anonymous albert ?
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since 2001-03-23
Posts 2979


0 posted 2001-04-14 02:51 AM


this is my final revise 4 now which i decided 2 write and move on hope its better...

in this life i lead

nothing more to follow
walking blinded alone in the dark
only leaving me with a shadow in sorrow
that has left my heart a mark

in this life i lead

wondering if my seed will be able to breed
when these bloodshot eyes have already seen
my heart to see its fled
as i had to just witness, the last of my final scene

in this life i lead

it has been leaving me
knowing that i can¡¯t escape fate
with the greatest enemy
thats making my life lay more a strait

in this life i lead

i try to focus but my vision isn¡¯t clear
as no one does regret, as my heart never does forget
cause no one knows the screams i hear
in the heart that lies in a closed casket

in this life i lead

i can¡¯t simply find anything to quite explain
why so many tears had to be shed
not able to recognize, that i was living in pain
as i reminisce on how much this heart has bled

in this life i lead

still am i in that same path in weary
not knowing when this will all end
struggling to survive in constant misery
till i meet within me a friend.....

thanks 4 readin and takin ur time 2 consider this agian and again poem i don't know y i keep holdin on 2 this poem but this time its time 2 let go


[This message has been edited by anonymous albert ? (edited 04-15-2001).]

© Copyright 2001 ALBY - All Rights Reserved
helen smith
Member
since 2001-03-12
Posts 240

1 posted 2001-04-14 04:10 AM


maybe  Albert  you are not holding onto  this poem ...this  poem is holding onto you  until you open that casket  and release    it's  heart.........when you  do     watch   it  explode into the life you  crave
Tony Di Bart
Member
since 2000-01-26
Posts 160
Toronto, Canada
2 posted 2001-04-15 11:24 AM


Hey Albert

Again your topic is a very deep a meaningful.  I have to agree with some of the comment that have been made with regards to the mystery and coded language. I think that if your going to use a coded symbolism at least use it in refrence to a constant theme in the poem.  Also I think that you are doing the same thing thath I often do in that you use one word to many For example in teh first stanza

"nothing more to follow
walking blinded alone in the dark
only leaving me with a shadow in sorrow
that has left my heart a mark "

instead maybe

nothing more to follow
blinded alone in the dark
leaving me with a shadow in sorrow
that has left my heart a mark

I to tend to over use useless words in poetry.  On one of my first post someone gave me the advice that you should try and make every word meaningful and not use any filler.

that's it.

see ya  

roxane
Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 505
us
3 posted 2001-04-15 07:51 PM


albert-
okay you asked for it    i'm going to try to critique this to the best of my ability.

first, i find the repition of "in this life i lead" a bit distracting.  is it safe to say that all poems are about life of some sort, the lack of life (death)?  in that case, i find this phrase too general to be repeated over and over.  i think repition should predominantly be saved for vague and obscure phrases that will seem very bold when repeated.  it adds to your message.

in this life i lead

nothing more to follow
walking blinded alone in the dark
only leaving me with a shadow in sorrow
that has left my heart a mark

in this stanza, i think you're trying to express a whole lot in a couple of lines; not a good idea.  i don't understand what "a mark means"  don't try to make this rhyme.  rewrite it one last time (just for me, because hopefully everybody here knows i love LOVE free verse) and throw out all structure.  you don't want me to critique structure?  don't use it.  

wondering if my seed will be able to breed
when these bloodshot eyes have already seen
my heart to see its fled
as i had to just witness, the last of my final scene

"seed to breed?"  are you thinking that your children will be sterile?  i don't understand how this plays into your poem.  "bloodshot eyes" is a little trite.  "my heart to see its fled" does not make sense to me.  please explain.  and what is "the last of my final scene?"

it has been leaving me
knowing that i can¡¯t escape fate
with the greatest enemy
thats making my life lay more a strait

what is "it"?  what is the "greatest enemy"?  i don't understand the last line.

i try to focus but my vision isn¡¯t clear
as no one does regret, as my heart never does forget
cause no one knows the screams i hear
in the heart that lies in a closed casket

i can see the difficulty in focusing.  i can't understand the next three lines.


i can¡¯t simply find anything to quite explain
why so many tears had to be shed
not able to recognize, that i was living in pain
as i reminisce on how much this heart has bled

you say in this stanza that you can't explain why you are going through so much pain.  i don't think this is really necessary if you yourself do not understand it.

still am i in that same path in weary
not knowing when this will all end
struggling to survive in constant misery
till i meet within me a friend.....

"in weary"  weary is an adj, so i don't understand how you are using it here.  
the main thing i think is holding you back is CLARITY.  i think you're going through a process a colleague of mine goes through when he's writing articles for our school's newspaper (unfortunately, i have to edit the mess   )  anyways, he writes down every thought that comes into his head until he gets an idea.  THE idea.  find your idea.  find your one object or emotion.  start there.  you're trying to say too much here.  who was it that said "a good speech contains a lot of shortening" or something to that effect?  sometimes, i think the say is true of poetry.  try this:  after you find your idea, write everything you want to say about it, then subtract words from it until there are about ten left.  the most important ten.  then, you have the skeleton of the poem, and you have something to work with.  keep trying, i will keep trying my best to help you in any way i can.

anonymous albert ?
Deputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Elite
since 2001-03-23
Posts 2979

4 posted 2001-04-16 03:42 AM


ok thanks but i'll first explain what i was trying to say in this poem....
note:this is what i think i wrote it as. and i felt i written it at that time so..yea also this poem was written in past rememberance and present time....


on the "in this life i lead" some1 told me to put it in on every other stanza ...

on the


this verse
"nothing more to follow"
means as i tired in my life to see the light at the end of this path that has become endless as i look towards the path ahead and i see no hope to go on....

this verse
"walking blinded alone in the dark"
means i've been walking with all strength to get to my hoped destination as i've been blinded which means i'm lost coz of my endless struggles.as thru the whole way i was alone during the whole entire process....

this verse
"only leaving me with my a shadow in sorrow"
means that that no1 helped me as i was all alone that has only left me with a shadow of myself... that is in sorrow....

this verse
"that has left my heart a mark"
means that all this has left in my heart a mark(scar).....

this verse
"wondering if my seed will be able to breed"
is followed up by the other lines as the other lines explores the situation of my death within(heart to leave) so in this i was trying say that i was wondering if my seed will be able to breed as if i'll ever love again so i won't be able to bring up a child coz if my love doesn't exist for my seed it'll won't be able to breed properly thats why i was in wonder.

this verse
"when these bloodshots eyes have already seen"
means that when i've alraedy seen so much pain thru these eyes that are bleeding. its just a example of my sincere pain as i had to withness.....

this verse
"my heart to see its fled"
means that i saw my heart to fled me as i had no choice in that time....

this verse
"as i had to just witness, the last of my final scene"
means that i just had to see it helplessly to leave me as i witnessed my last of my true hearts soul with me as in the final scene of life within.....

this verse
"it has been leavin me"
it- refers that situation of my heart at this point when it left me.as that situation has been leaving me....

this verse
"knowing that i can't escape fate
with my greatest enemy"
means that i can't escape fate as i can't esacpe myself that is refered to me as "the greatest enemy"

this verse
"thats making my life lay more a strait"
means that which while i was dealing with my death within this enemey(me) has made this path i was leading more lay a strait....

thsi verse
"i try to focus but my vision isn't clear"
means which is refered to the eariler verse which i am blinded thats why i can't focus on this path......

this verse
"as no one regrets, as my heart never forgets"
means that some of my pain might be from others as they don't regret what they have done,as my heart never does forget what has already been done to me.....

this verse
"cause no one knows the screams i hear
in the heart that lies in a closed casket"
means that no one cares about my souls heart as i lie in a closed casket(death within)that has trapped me within. screaming in sincere pain inside. as the only per son that can hear is myself......

this verse
"i can't simply find anything to quite explain/ why so many tears had to be shed"
means that i can't find why i had to go thru all this pains in tears as i remember the times of my earlier years.....

this verse
"not able to recognize, that iwas living in pain/as i reminsce on how much this heart has bled"
means that i was innocent but as now i looked back i see the pain i went thru not noticed at the time i was going thru it in my innocence as i remeber NOW that i see how much my has bled in pain...

this verse
"still am i in that same path in weary"
means that i'm still in that same path as its endless as at this point i'm weary.....

this verse
"not knowing when this will end"
means like i kepted on saying it seems endless as i have no clue when this will ease...

this verse
"struggling to survive in constant misery"
means as it says that i'm struggling to remain in ths as i still live in misery....

this verse
"till i meet within me a friend"
means that until i meeta frind in me instead of finding the enemy will maybe be better then right now....


this is a quick review not really "the true meaning behind the poem" but this poem just had lot of thoughts in it.. well...i didn't go really in depth in the poem as a explanation but...thats it. hope it helped out a little....thanks... u can always tell me ur thoughts also this was pretty long if u did hold on to read the whole thing thanks again   




[This message has been edited by anonymous albert ? (edited 04-16-2001).]

anonymous albert ?
Deputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Elite
since 2001-03-23
Posts 2979

5 posted 2001-04-19 08:20 PM


ohhh..yea one more thing jenni( if you get to read this ) u said that there is nothing that the reader can tell from jus telling them "i'm in misery" as there is no point in why i feel this way..
as if you read the poem at the end it says until i meet a friend within..which is part of why i'm in misery as the greatest enemy is ME! so yea just wanted to say that.the reason why i putted that in the second and third version coz jenni asked why i was feeling that way..

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