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anonymous albert ?
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0 posted 2001-04-11 04:17 AM


this is what i came up with last night but i know it still lacks i just can't help it i think this the only poem i was tried on maybe coz i want it to be good its not turning out good or something so pplz help me once more to get it thru...i don't know but here it is...

nothing more to follow
walking as i search in the dark
as my endless life in sorrow
has left my heart a mark
though this life i lead
thru these bloodshot eyes have seen
my heart to see its fled
witnessing the last of my final scene
only leaving me
knowing i can’t escape fate
wit my greatest enemy
as its making my life lay more a strait
cuz the lost heart in tears
of scars left my me in pain
though no one knows the scream i hears
as i can’t simply find anything to quite explain
trying to acknowledge the many tears that had to be shed
living only for the day that’ll shine so bright
as i reminisce on how much this heart has bled
though of its brilliance will i soon be blinded by its light
but for now….. i’m still in that same path in weary
not knowing when this will all end
struggling to survive in constant misery
till i meet within me a friend

i wish it turned out better though i didn't take barely anything out from the original....
as your thoughts and opinions would be great


[This message has been edited by anonymous albert ? (edited 04-12-2001).]

© Copyright 2001 ALBY - All Rights Reserved
Kirk T Walker
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since 2000-01-13
Posts 357
Liberty, MO
1 posted 2001-04-12 10:54 AM


This poem is perhaps a little abstract for my tastes, but you seem to have a nice start.
Here are my suggestions:
1. Lose "cuz".  It gives me the heebeejeebees in email and it definitely distracted me from the poetry.
2. Presumably typos that need fixing:
"though" instead of "through"
"thru" to "through"
"the scream I hears"
"wit" to "with"
Some of these might not be typos, however, they distracted me. If they are I have a suggestion that may help weed them out in the future. I type all of my poetry on a word processing program like Word, that way you can save a copy to work on and run spell check.  Then I cut and paste it into the Piptalk text box.  
3.lose stale images such as bleeding hearts and shedding tears.
4.You might try strucing up the poem by taking the same ideas and stating them in original ways.  For instance, I have a friend who wrote about bloodshot eyes being like tomatos from a hamburger that he had eaten the night before.  You get the idea I think.

Disclaimer: The preceding statement is just my opinion.


jenni
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since 1999-09-11
Posts 478
Washington D.C.
2 posted 2001-04-12 02:29 PM


albert--

i have to echo everything kirk said.  

i really don't see how this version is any different from the last one, to be honest; i mean, i see where you added words, but i think it still has way too many cliches and doesn't really seem to say anything.  

i think you really need to use punctuation, too.  in a lot of places it's incredibly confusing just trying to figure out what you're trying to say; one thought or phrase just runs into the next.  maybe you intended that, but if you did, all i can say is, i think it's hindering your ability to communicate effectively here.  

all of this is just my opinion, of course.  

keep writing,

jenni

Kirk T Walker
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since 2000-01-13
Posts 357
Liberty, MO
3 posted 2001-04-12 02:36 PM


jenni: No, jenni, you don't "have to echo everything" I say! ha ha

anonymous: I agree with jenni about the punctuation.

Disclaimer: The preceding statement is just my opinion.


anonymous albert ?
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4 posted 2001-04-12 05:15 PM


k but all i gotta say is i'll be workin on it a little bit later when the feelings of the poem when i first written it also i did all that on purpose i write my poetry in different style as in the spellings well.. go read the phlilosophy we had a long debate on my spelling that i posted and yea thanks again i guess i needed the emotions again thats y it might explain the cliches and i'll try to use punctuation and yea hehe  

[This message has been edited by anonymous albert ? (edited 04-12-2001).]

anonymous albert ?
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5 posted 2001-04-14 02:14 AM


.........?

[This message has been edited by anonymous albert ? (edited 04-14-2001).]

helen smith
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since 2001-03-12
Posts 240

6 posted 2001-04-14 06:28 AM


may i please  congratulate    Kirk   on his  wisdom   kindness and lovely manner ?
anonymous albert ?
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7 posted 2001-04-14 02:40 PM


if i'm gonna become the sneaky...there! lol....i didn't jus edit it i erased the whole thing


[This message has been edited by anonymous albert ? (edited 04-14-2001).]

Kirk T Walker
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since 2000-01-13
Posts 357
Liberty, MO
8 posted 2001-04-14 03:25 PM


helen smith:Thank you, Helen.  I humbly grant you permission to compliment me. (ha ha) I read some of your poetry from the Open Forums which was very beautiful.  You should post some of your work in Critical Analysis sometime.

anonymous:
I read the discussion I believe you are refering to in the philosophy section at: /pip/Forum8/HTML/000229.html   I don't think helen was necessarily insulting toward your poety or your style.  Also, I think you are a little too defensive. If you want to make a strong argument, you should do it diplomatically and eloquently, not by bullying people with a bunch of exclamations "!!!", profanity, and telling them they are ignorant.  This forum is for telling people what you REALLY think and that helps us all be better poets (and perhaps in some ways better people).  However, we need to be courteous and respectful towards each other and express our opinions (and accept the opinions of others) in an appropriate way. You can't post in CA and "encourage Constructive Critiques" and not expect to get some negative comments.  The important thing to remember is that most of us are just poets like you who only want to impove our own poetry and help others imporve theirs as well.  We all write for different reasons about different topics and with different styles, and everyone's interpretation is going to be different.

To EVERYONE at CA:  Have a good Easter holiday!  

Disclaimer: The preceding statement is just my opinion.


anonymous albert ?
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9 posted 2001-04-14 03:38 PM


same here lol!  

[This message has been edited by anonymous albert ? (edited 04-14-2001).]

Kirk T Walker
Member
since 2000-01-13
Posts 357
Liberty, MO
10 posted 2001-04-14 03:58 PM


anonymous albert: Sneaky!  You wait until I respond to your comments then you edit them and make my argument look less than necessary.  Oh well.  

Disclaimer: The preceding statement is just my opinion.


anonymous albert ?
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11 posted 2001-04-14 03:59 PM


no i thought it was too harsh and i changed it before u even replyed lol!! for real.......... trust me on that.i ain't like that man.

[This message has been edited by anonymous albert ? (edited 04-14-2001).]

Not A Poet
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since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA
12 posted 2001-04-14 09:52 PM


OK guys, I missed most of this discussion, been working all day. I hope nothing was said which should have been removed. In any event, everyone remember our purpose here and let's try to discuss the poetry, not the poets.

Thanks,

Pete

Imagination is more important than knowledge
Albert Einstein

Kirk T Walker
Member
since 2000-01-13
Posts 357
Liberty, MO
13 posted 2001-04-14 10:10 PM


anonymous albert: No hard feelings.  "Sneaky" wasn't meant in its harshest capacity, I apologize if I offended you. And I believe you when you say that you changed it first.  No hard feelings ever existed on my end, nor yours I hope.  

pete: Don't work so hard especially on Saturdays.  You should be here with us having meaningful discussions about poetry.  And in anonymous albert's defense and my own and anyone else's, I don't think anything too rough was said (we are big boys pete, I think we can take it. ha ha)  

Disclaimer: The preceding statement is just my opinion.


anonymous albert ?
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since 2001-03-23
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14 posted 2001-04-15 12:13 PM


its koo we jus had some misunderstandings
and lets jus keep posting and writing to be seen in the CA k? c u around ohh yea check out the "in this life i lead" its the final version pplz comment

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