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untitled poem
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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untitled poem |
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anonymous albert ?
since 2001-03-23
Posts 2979 |
this is a post from teen4 but i was wonderin coz i felt i wrote this from my heart but i didn't seem to get a pleasureable response what do u guys think is the problem i knoe its not ma best but....? nothing more to follow in my endless life in sorrow as this life i lead jus left my heart to fled leaving me hopeless, knowing i can't escape fate making my life lay more a strait as the lost heart in tears of scars left me in pain cause i can't simply find anything to quite explain why so many tears had to be shed reminscing on how much this heart has bled though i'm still in that same path in weary struggling to survive in my constant misery i wrote it quick though...also some1 said that i shouldn't concentrate so much in the rym scene in this poem did it kill the message to the reader what did? can ya'll help? [This message has been edited by anonymous albert ? (edited 04-10-2001).] |
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Tony Di Bart Member
since 2000-01-26
Posts 160Toronto, Canada |
AA I have read your post and there are some very good ideas in there I think that you are trying to cram to much into each line. Maybe make the poem longer by breaking up lines and expanding the ideas or make shorter with more punch. See Ya keep post'n |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
To some extent, I agree with Tony's take. There seems to be so much on each line that it becomes cumbersome to read. I think you might try shortening the lines and making them more concise or you might try punctuation as an alternative. You have used a minimal amount of punctuation anyway. I would either take it all out or go back and punctuate the whole thing properly. My personal preference usually is punctuation but I think either approach can work. As for the rhyme, yes, it seems to impose itself on the poem. Too much of it appears forced. You might either do away with it entirely, and I mean all of it, or you could do a lot of work to make it sound and feel natural. Well, thanks MHO anyway. Pete |
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Kirk T Walker Member
since 2000-01-13
Posts 357Liberty, MO |
A poem titled "untitled" from a semi-anonymous poet, interesting! Here are my suggestions: I like rhyme, but sometimes it works and sometimes not. In response to your assertion that you "wrote it quick": While some poems seem to just write themselves spontaneously, it is important not to rush it. Especially if you are determined to include a rhyme scheme or rythmic pattern. Some poems want to be pampered a little bit; they demand a little more attention than others; the extra attention often pays off in the form of a more polished product that really conveys an idea effectively. In addition, I realize that a lot of poems are never really completed to your satisfaction, and I believe that revision should be an ongoing process for all work. I would lose the cliched lines "life I lead" "i can't escape fate" shedding tears, and bleeding heart in favor of more original language. I couldn't really make sense of the lines: "as the lost heart in tears of scars left me in pain cause i can’t simply find anything to quite explain" Perhaps they need to be reworded. Good luck with your revisions. Disclaimer: The preceding statement is just my opinion. |
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anonymous albert ?
since 2001-03-23
Posts 2979 |
thanks all for your wonderful support and replys. i really appreciate the time you guys took to help me out. but i was just wondering can't i make the poem with those lines you referred to take out coz those each lines represent similar things but they are in a meaning way different don't you guys think i could just expand those ideas makin also the rym a little not all together as tony said also do i have to lose them lines i really liked them yea like add more lines to the poem not makin all thoses similar ideas so not close together u know? i guess i'll take what you guys said and consider it. thanks once again.. helped me a lot ohh that line was to be that the heart.......is left in pain which at the same time i can't find anything to explain goes on to be that the next verse says that why i had to shed tears and on how much i bled. so in conclusion this poem was written to show my life in this stage of time as it shows what the past has done as i remember the hard times why i had to go thru it all as i'm still in the same life still strugglin really holdin on to a life while in lost heart as i'm hopeless to see my life like this as i see it as fate making my life more strait but at the same time theres hope thats strugglin to in the misery to survive well.. kinda get what i mean? anyways...if you guys have time to answer i would be great! [This message has been edited by anonymous albert ? (edited 04-09-2001).] |
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roxane Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 505us |
albert i think the best thing for this poem would be to throw out rhyme scheme, structure and all of that nonsense. i can tell reading it that there is a lot of pain inside of you that you want to release. there are very few things that release pressure in a uniform way. pain doesn't have to be pretty. i say try rewriting the poem without looking at it. maybe just hot down a few key words and feelings, things that immediately take you to the state of mind you were in when you wrote this. after that, work on the rhyme scheme and find one that fits the mood of your poem (rhyming couplets usually don't sound too sad) good luck |
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jenni Member
since 1999-09-11
Posts 478Washington D.C. |
albert-- i agree with rox here entirely (and with kirk, too, about all the cliched phrases). one suggestion i have, in addition to theirs, is to make it more particular, give the reader some reason to care about the speaker in the poem, some idea what the speaker's really talking about here besides "my life is crap." as it is now, the reader gets the point, but so what? what's up with the tears and scars and pain and constant misery? did your dog die? did you fall down and go boo-boo? girlfriend troubles? bad grade on a test? something darker, perhaps? tell us! that's where the interesting stuff is, in my opinion: WHY the speaker feels the way he does, and you give us nothing to go on here. you might want to do a little proofreading before ya post, too, lol, just a suggestion. anyway, just my opinion. thanks for a good read. jenni |
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anonymous albert ?
since 2001-03-23
Posts 2979 |
true true with all of your opinions  darker is also possible coz i am good at it but i have to get back the feeling i had at that time which i should of gotten deeper into the feelings...so i am gonna write the poem of not me also why i hurt so much.. and as jenni said though its from any of her thoughts.but i write these poems not really first for the readers but was written for self but hoping others will know and relate coz as i agree with poetry being something that the poet writes as their own personal feelings but the reader gets them as their own thats one thing i love about poetry the essence and also did considered all opinions and is almost done with the revised version with all those lines in it with more detailed longer poem i'll post it soon.alright? see you guys later also i know it will have again problems but you guys anyways can check it out thanks i always do appreciate all your precious comments and for all your time [This message has been edited by anonymous albert ? (edited 04-10-2001).] |
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