How to Join Member's Area Private Library Search Today's Topics p Login
Main Forums Discussion Tech Talk Mature Content Archives
   Nav Win
 Archives
 Critical Analysis #1 Archive
 Talking Sense
 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9
Follow us on Facebook

 This is an Archive. You may post a reply, but new topics are not allowed.

 
User Options
Format for Better Printing EMail to a Friend Create a Greeting Card with this Poem
Admin Print Send ECard
Passions in Poetry

Talking Sense

 Post A Reply   Go to the Next Oldest/Previous Topic Return to Topic Page Go to the Next Newest Topic 
Panne447
Member
since 04-03-2001
[First Post] 199
S.A. TX


0 posted 04-05-2001 08:11 AM       View Profile for Panne447   Email Panne447   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions  View IP for Panne447

I seem to be stumped with this one.  Especially the 1st few stanzas. Any help woul be appreciated.


Talking Sense
(To the Men of My Life)
4/3/01

I donít want to be
what you want, this I promise,
nor just a wife and a mother
of two point four kids;

I donít want to see
the world through a limo
or miss the bottoms of clouds
through panes of planes;

I donít want to hear
train whistles
or the clickety clack
as the wheels pass me by;

I donít want to smell
someone elseís garden
and I donít want to taste
someone elseís first fruit;

I donít want to touch
the cut of my diamond
or be told that itís dangerous
to do my own thing;

I donít want to feel
that Iím not allowed
or be told that I canít
because of my gender;

I donít want to sit
and watch the Pavo ballet
I want to discover
constellations of my own.

I donít want to be
barefoot and pregnant
I must be the poet.
Why canít you understand...

I donít want to be
Vanna White.
I want to buy the vowel.
I want to solve the puzzle.

by Panne

[This message has been edited by Panne447 (edited 04-05-2001).]

© Copyright 2001 Panne447 - All Rights Reserved
Kirk T Walker
Member
since 01-13-2000
Posts 371
Liberty, MO


1 posted 04-07-2001 11:50 AM       View Profile for Kirk T Walker   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Kirk T Walker

Very good poem. I love the last stanza.  For me it is appropriate that it comes last and holds the essence and power of the poem.  If this were my poem I would consider reducing the poem to only this single stanza.
I recommend the following changes:  
1. This poem has some very powerful and original parts--and some parts that were less so.  Consider cutting stanzas 1,3,6.
2. Alter the lines: "I don't want to see/the world through a limo", "or be told that itís dangerous/to do my own thing" to more originally phrased variations of the same ideas
3. Why don't you want to touch the cut of your diamond?  The real power of this statement i think is still latent and needs to be expressed more clearly/specifically

I would be very interested in seeing a revised version of this poem posted!
I hope my comments are helpful.

Disclaimer: The preceding statement is just my opinion.

Panne447
Member
since 04-03-2001
Posts 199
S.A. TX


2 posted 04-07-2001 12:10 PM       View Profile for Panne447   Email Panne447   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Panne447

Kirk, Very helpful! I will work on it today. One question - where do I repost it. below this or somewhere else - I have seen reposts but I was under the understanding that we shouldn't do that.  Can you help with that too.  Thanks a million.  Panne
Panne447
Member
since 04-03-2001
Posts 199
S.A. TX


3 posted 04-07-2001 03:50 PM       View Profile for Panne447   Email Panne447   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Panne447

Kirk and anyone, Is this any better.  It isn't very often when the end line, phrase, or stanza comes to me first. This was one of those times and I had no idea where or how to go with the rest.  Any more suggestions would be gratefully appreciated.  Maybe the first stanza is superfluous too now that I look at it again... Any help will be considered, for sure.
I kept the limo line but added the 'your' I think that was what I missed putting in there the 1st time.  Your thoughts help refine mine, Kirk.  Thanks. Panne

       Talking Sense
  (To the Men of My Life)
               rew:4/7/01
I canít be your daughter,
I canít be your wife
If all of my being must be
wrapped up in your life.

I donít want to see
the world through your limos
Or miss the bottoms of clouds
through your company planes;

I donít want to proofread
your essays and proposals
While trains pass me by
to places unknown;

I donít want to smell
someone elseís garden
And I donít want to taste
someone elseís first fruit;

I donít want to just touch
the cut of my diamond
When it seems much more fun
to mine a few of my own;

I donít want to sit
and watch the Pavo ballet.
I want to discover
constellations of my own.

I donít want to be
barefoot and pregnant
I must be the poet.
Why canít you understand...

I donít want to be
Vanna White.
I want to buy the vowel.
I want to solve the puzzle.
by Panne

iPlease ask for permission before you copy my work to your files or a greeting card.  Thank you. Panne/i

kaile
Deputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Ascendant
since 02-06-2000
Posts 5323
singapore


4 posted 04-07-2001 08:40 PM       View Profile for kaile   Email kaile   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for kaile

hi panne

i wont critique this time but perhaps tell you of an incident this reminded me of...

a very good girlfriend once asked me "kaile, given a choice, will you rather be the driver of a taxi or the passenger who gets to be driven around?"

i answered "though i am always the passenger and this may seem contradictory, i will want to be a taxi driver because i want to know things by myself on my own terms"

awww...memories
kaile
Deputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Ascendant
since 02-06-2000
Posts 5323
singapore


5 posted 04-07-2001 08:41 PM       View Profile for kaile   Email kaile   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for kaile

oops, i did think the revised version is better..good job panne

kai
Kirk T Walker
Member
since 01-13-2000
Posts 371
Liberty, MO


6 posted 04-08-2001 08:02 PM       View Profile for Kirk T Walker   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Kirk T Walker

I am not sure about the reposts.  I think it is okay to post revised versions or portions under the orignal work (as you did).  I liked the changes you made.  

Disclaimer: The preceding statement is just my opinion.

Not A Poet
Member Elite
since 11-03-1999
Posts 4427
Oklahoma, USA


7 posted 04-09-2001 02:55 PM       View Profile for Not A Poet   Email Not A Poet   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Not A Poet's Home Page   View IP for Not A Poet

Hi Panne,

Re: your question on reposting. One reason reposting is discouraged is to conserve storage. If you just change a few words, maybe you can just describe the changes in the current thread. Use your judgement. However, if you make major changes, it is usually acceptable to start a new thread. If you do that, you should indicate it is a repost in the subject, just as a courtesy to your readers.

BTW, I like the revised version better too. It just seems to hold together better, doesn't ramble so much.

Kirk, I like you disclaimer.

Pete

Imagination is more important than knowledge
Albert Einstein

Panne447
Member
since 04-03-2001
Posts 199
S.A. TX


8 posted 05-16-2001 01:03 AM       View Profile for Panne447   Email Panne447   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Panne447

Thank you all so much for your input and views and for answering my questions.  I am - unfortunately - still working on this one - and I believe I changed the title but my book is in the other room so will have to get back to you with the changes.  Again, thanks for your help. Panne
kaile
Deputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Ascendant
since 02-06-2000
Posts 5323
singapore


9 posted 02-22-2003 12:05 AM       View Profile for kaile   Email kaile   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for kaile

Panne,

statistics-loving me like the bit about 2.4 kids..ha!

i want to discover
constellations of my own

good lines and nodding along with you...i feel that often too...
Panne447 will be notified of replies
 Post A Reply   Go to the Next Oldest/Previous Topic Return to Topic Page Go to the Next Newest Topic 
All times are ET (US) Top
  User Options
>> Archives >> Critical Analysis #1 >> Talking Sense Format for Better Printing EMail to a Friend Create a Greeting Card with this Poem
Print Send ECard

 

pipTalk Home Page | Main Poetry Forums

How to Join | Member's Area / Help | Private Library | Search | Contact Us | Today's Topics | Login
Discussion | Tech Talk | Archives | Sanctuary



© Passions in Poetry and netpoets.com 1998-2013
All Poetry and Prose is copyrighted by the individual authors