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Xeonox
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0 posted 2001-03-29 11:57 PM


Burning of the night sky,
Puts up a show full of wonder,
One star glows its brightest ever,

So you mustn’t compare it with others,
For after tonight it will glow never,

Others observe and follow in the steps,
Like a fresh new bud on a naked stem,
The chance will come when they take their place,

When the sky becomes empty and dark,
This signals for the rest to shine,

But in the end they all must fall,
A leaf on a tree that’s been their too long.

Ronil (Inspiration for my poems is all around me for my muse is my reality.)

© Copyright 2001 Ronil B Tataria - All Rights Reserved
Pearls_Of_Wisdom
Member
since 2000-09-02
Posts 175

1 posted 2001-04-03 03:32 PM


Hi there,

Don't think I've read any of your work before.  I noticed this one because I'm taking an Astronomy course.  I liked where you were going with this over all, but I think maybe you could take it a bit further.  I could see the image you were describing, but I wasn't sure what message I was meant to come away with.  Perhaps its more simple and you weren't going for something totally deep and confusing, and that's okay too.  Care to share what you were thinking with this one?

One other small comment:  I thought a few of your wordings seemed a little jarring and clinical.  As this seemed (to me) to conflict with your thoughtful and refelective mood, maybe you would consider wording them a bit differently.  This might keep up the illusion of the poem better, instead of pulling me out of the poem because they seemed to stand out as different.  Here's what I mean...

"A leaf on a tree that’s been their too long." (if you keep this, you mean "there")
"Puts up a show" (too generic maybe?)
"This signals for" (this sounded too "sciencey" to me)

Anyway, thanks for sharing.  Let me know if you find my comments helpful or not.

Xeonox
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2 posted 2001-04-03 08:10 PM


Any comments are better than none. I did not want to go too deep in this topic(just touch the surface). Thank you for the there instead of their.
I would use the word play instead of show. You are right about the there. I usually post my rough drafts. I hardly post an edited version.
Ronil

Ronil (Inspiration for my poems is all around me for my muse is my reality.)

[This message has been edited by Xeonox (edited 04-03-2001).]

Not A Poet
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since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA
3 posted 2001-04-04 10:35 AM


Ronil, now I have to take advantage of your thread to get back on my soapbox for just one comment.

I too noticed the use of their for there but excused a simple typo. However, of the response to Ashley about usually posting drafts rather than edited versions, I must disagree. We all are, of course, welcome to post whatever we want, within the guidelines. But if one expects the readers to expend the time and effort to look at and critique his work then I think he owes us the time it takes to correct as many of these little errors as possible. I don't mean to imply that this particular poem has many mistakes but I am just disagreeing, in general, with that attitude.

There is a great difference between not knowing but trying to learn proper writing and just being too lazy to correct one's mistakes. Understand that I speak only for myself here. I am willing to give a new member the benefit of the doubt once or twice but if one continues to post sloppy, mistake ridden work, I quickly learn to just ignore it.

Again, I want to stress that this poem does not fall into this category. So, sorry Ronil, for taking up space in your thread but from time to time, I just have to get this off my chest.

Pete

Imagination is more important than knowledge
Albert Einstein

Xeonox
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4 posted 2001-04-05 01:21 AM


I do not deny myself or others that proper writing in poetry is at its best. I usually like to get people's opinion first. Also I post them only  atrandom times(like two minutes before work), before going to bed. But thank you for your comments. I do understand that words are much more than mere tools, so one must use them wisely and use the correct ones.  

Ronil (Inspiration for my poems is all around me for my muse is my reality.)

[This message has been edited by Xeonox (edited 04-05-2001).]

Forrest Cain
Member
since 2000-04-21
Posts 306
Chas.,W.V. USA
5 posted 2001-04-06 05:24 PM


I liked your closing lines on this one.

forrest

Kirk T Walker
Member
since 2000-01-13
Posts 357
Liberty, MO
6 posted 2001-04-11 09:26 AM


Here are my suggestions:
I liked the 3line stanza, 2line stanza pattern, you might consider adding a line to the last stanza to continue the pattern.  I would remove "new" after "fresh" and replace "chance" with time, moment, day, etc.

Disclaimer: The preceding statement is just my opinion.


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