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A Birthday Sonnet
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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A Birthday Sonnet |
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The_Rose Junior Member
since 2001-03-10
Posts 10 |
Together moon and stars this night conspire, In celebration of thy birthing day, By casting light on those whom they admire, Valuing thy presence they thus display. To life and you doth this day celebrate, Giving honor for gifts we dearly hold; By thy gift my high regard articulate, And wish that to thy heart my gift enfold. Let this silver bracelet surround thy hand, And remembrance of me enclose thy mind, That this day shall in thy memory stand. My memory of you thy gift in kind. --When in some future time this gift you see, --Recall that on this day I thought of thee. |
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| © Copyright 2001 The_Rose - All Rights Reserved | |||
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doreen peri Member Elite
since 1999-05-25
Posts 3812Virginia |
a beautiful writing... i'm not very well versed in the proper structure of a sonnet and being that this is the "critical analysis" forum, perhaps someone else (like brad or nan, maybe) would be more astute at offering a critique...i know the structure must have certain amount of syllables per line... lol... but i can never remember... i've written sonnets myself but didn't know they were sonnets until someone told me.... it just comes out of me... who knows? .... but i can only tell you this is a lovely read with beautiful sentiments and penned in a way which rolls off the tongue quote: and those lines were particularly engaging...... sorry, i don't do critique other than to give postive remarks about what phrasing works best from this reader's point of view..... welcome to the blue pages [This message has been edited by doreen peri (edited 03-11-2001).] |
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Meadowmuse Member Elite
since 1999-12-27
Posts 3263 |
Hello. It is wonderful to see someone taking an interest in formal verse. I am far from an expert in any type of poetry, however, so please take my comments to heart only if they are helpful to you, and disregard what you feel you cannot use. When reading poetry silently, to oneself, it is often difficult to fully feel or discern the impact of a poem's intended meter. I try to read all poems aloud, and especially when I am attempting to write one of my own. In this way, it becomes easier to detect and repair meter, rhythm and rhyme scheme. In reading your lovely sonnet aloud, I find that my primary concern is one of meter, and my only suggestion would be to consider finding a way to reconcile the syllabic stress throughout the poem, with particular attention to Lines Four, Six, Seven and Nine. Notice how the metered stress of your first three lines each begin with Syllable Two. For instance, Line One ~ ToGETHer MOON and STARS this NIGHT conSPIRE The bolder, more pronounced vocal stress occurs with the second syllable of this line, and continues with every second syllable after that, ending with the tenth. If the meter can be made consistent throughout the sonnet, (and with your obvious ability, I am sure it can be) I believe the result would be a more melodic composition. Thank you for the opportunity to read and respond to your poem. Claire Could a greater miracle take place than for us to look through each other's eyes for an instant?......Henry David Thoreau |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Hello Rose, I'm sure you will get a very helpful, detailed critique from our friendly (and sweet) moderator, NotaPoet, aka Pete, so I will not go into any detail here. I would like to say that your words are elegant, and you create some vivid imagery. I did stumble over the meter here and there, but, all in all, this was a very nice sonnet. Welcome to CA, by the way. Hope you have a long and happy stay with us. Kris  "It is wisdom to know others; It is enlightenment to know one's self" - Lao Tzu |
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The_Rose Junior Member
since 2001-03-10
Posts 10 |
To Doreen, Meadowmuse, and warmhrt, My sincere thanks for reading this sonnet. Your praise I thank you for, and your comments I'll consider very seriously. Thanks. The Rose |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hi Rose, OK Kris pegged me. I find it hard to pass up a sonnet. Just a junkie I guess. But first I want to send you a warm welcome to CA (Critical Analysis). It's always fun to hear a new voice and especially one who writes sonnets. OK, that's enough on my personal hang up now. Check your email for a welcome message. Now, of course, this is Critical Analysis and what we do here is critique, or at least discuss, members' poetry. Since you're new here I should probably point out that I am certainly no expert and any opinions I express are just that, usually worth no more than the air it takes to voice them. But, they are my opinions and I am attached to them. Now to the poem. As Claire, Kris and even Doreen, in her own sweet way, expressed, you have a very nice start here but with a few meter problems. The first three lines are nearly perfect iambic pentameter but then line 4 diverges to the point that scanning is difficult. But it roughly reads thus. VAL-u-ing thy PRES-ence they THUS dis-PLAY and I can't figure out where the feet end. THen L5 has the correct number of syllables and by reaching a bit can be read as IP but that requires an unnatural stress on THIS day. Not too bad but could probably be improved with a little rewording. Also I think "to" is the wrong preposition at the beginning of the line. It seems that "of" would be a better choice. Again, that is fairly minor but we are trying to perfect the poem as much as possible. Well, I think you can see where I am going here so I'll let you tackle it now, if you so choose. I see similar meter problems in lines 6, 7, 9, 10 and 11, to varying extent. Finally, the dashes at the beginning of lines 13 and 14 are WRONG. Get rid of them. If you want more discussion, just say so in this thread and I'm sure you can get plenty. If you do decide to change it please post the revised version so we can see what it looks like. Again, remember this is all just one opinion and not an important either. Hope to see much more from you. Thanks, Pete Oops, I see that you haven't given us access to your email address so I can't send you that special welcome. That's all right though. Imagination is more important than knowledge Albert Einstein [This message has been edited by Not A Poet (edited 03-12-2001).] |
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The_Rose Junior Member
since 2001-03-10
Posts 10 |
Dear Pete (Not A Poet), I thank you for your comments and for the explanation of their basis. Sonnets of this form are by requirements constrained, which meter to their complexity adds. I must, I think, attend more to my ear, That I will then hear less when I am here. Nonetheless, I am grateful for your words. The Rose [This message has been edited by The_Rose (edited 03-12-2001).] |
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The_Rose Junior Member
since 2001-03-10
Posts 10 |
To all that did respond- The observations offered ere in here are ones I now do strive to clearly hear, and place both sound and sense within my ear, that meter's feet are both correct and clear. Again accept my thanks, your words are dear. The Rose |
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Marq Member
since 1999-10-18
Posts 222 |
This sonnet flows and reads wonderfully. You are a natural poet. I don't worry about meter and feet and line length too much and I don't know what your intentions were in that regard. But this has beautiful natural rhythm and feel. Very enjoyable to read! I'll be looking forward to reading your comments on other poets work here at Critical Analysis. |
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The_Rose Junior Member
since 2001-03-10
Posts 10 |
Dear Marq, You are kind in your words for me, indeed. This sonnet was my second in this form; it is the form preferred when I write poems. Intentions are like motivations, both complex. Pursue what interest suggests. I am glad you like my words. The Rose |
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