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Forrest Cain
Member
since 2000-04-21
Posts 306
Chas.,W.V. USA

0 posted 2001-03-07 05:14 PM


Soapstone

I

The space is slung low,
barely enough to stoop beneath
weathered poles that underpin
and hold our rough built
home aloft.

My brother and I dig our basement,
shoveling rock and hardpan clay,
arms streaked sweat and terra cotta,
seepage mud between our toes.

We rest. We go to find our shadows,
stacked against the hill street wall.
A startled lizard regards us,
blue tail catching the sun.

We climb. We throw rocks.
We see our father,
brushing something from
an unearthed stone.
Yellowed weeds growing
through a bread-tray
scratch the back of his arms.

He motions us come
to hunker down
to see the soapstone
he holds in his hand...
To examine its substance
and feel its slickness
between our finger and thumb.

What our father says
hangs in our head,
hangs on the breath
of the trees,
of wild bees and persimmons,
of bluegills and swimming
through a hole in a rock
in the creek.

II

It's forty years later.
I slosh in the water.
I shovel my driveway
out of the creek.
Another spring flood
washing fence-posts and mud
washes a soapstone
up at my feet.

I think of my father,
of digging the basement,
of the soapstone in his
calloused hand.
How he held and let us feel it
between our finger and thumb.

I watch sunbeams divide
clouds in the sky,
watch them glance
off shiny green leaves.
I hear soggy meadows soaking,
hear the droning of the bees.

The soapstone I touch.
It touches me.
There's a remembering between us.
Hear it speak. Its voice,
knows the language of hearts,
knows the slow slow language
of stars.

forrest




[This message has been edited by Forrest Cain (edited 03-09-2001).]

© Copyright 2001 O. Forrest Cain - All Rights Reserved
Not A Poet
Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA
1 posted 2001-03-08 09:58 AM


Hi Forrest,

This is getting pretty well polished now but "the final version?" It has been said that no poem is actually finished until the poet is safely 6 feet underground.

I really like the way you formed the conclusion. A nice piece of nostalgia there. Even though the soapstone really meant nothing to me, you were able to make me feel its importance to the story teller. Well done. Somehow, the older I get, the more important those childhood and early memories become.

I see you have worked on the punctuation a lot. It is much better with only a couple of small comma errors. But this is CA so since I can find nothing else needing attention, I will just point those out. Of course, I do expose myself in doing so. I'll just hope that no one really knowledgeable comes along

In S5-L4, the period is grammatically wrong. It probably should be a comma but I think you want a longer pause. If Trevor isn't looking I suggest the 3 dots or probably the long dash.

In S6-L4, the same applies but I think just a comma would do there. You really don't want to overdo those dots and dashes.

In S8, I think you should have a comma at the end of L1 and L2.

All pretty minor stuff but I think it helps the reader to get the proper feel and get into the mood of your poem. Of course, this is all JMHO too. Hey Forrest, I think you have something really enjoyable to read. But that is, of course, JMHO too.

Thanks,


Pete

Imagination is more important than knowledge
Albert Einstein

Forrest Cain
Member
since 2000-04-21
Posts 306
Chas.,W.V. USA
2 posted 2001-03-08 02:20 PM


Pete thanks for taking the time to look at this one
again. I have made the punctuation changes that you suggested. I thank you for your time and energy,
as well as your encouraging comments.

forrest



[This message has been edited by Forrest Cain (edited 03-08-2001).]

mysticharm
Member
since 2000-06-08
Posts 189
Canada
3 posted 2001-03-23 08:47 AM


bonjour forrest :-)

I could be wrong, lol, so bear with me, I remember reading an earlier version of this poem and for some reason I can't explain at the moment :-) I liked it better but just to be sure I'm going to the other down :-)

a pleasure as always forrest
debbie

debbie

Think of saying "I Love You" as always being overdue.
Love is a gift, not an obligation.
unknown



Pearls_Of_Wisdom
Member
since 2000-09-02
Posts 175

4 posted 2001-04-05 03:19 PM


Wow Forrest!

Excellently done!  Such clever structure and rhymes - appearing unique and simple but hiding a deeper meaning, much like the soapstone itself.  I really enjoyed this this time around.  Your images are clear and powerful.  This one definitely has many layers to it, as well as varying emotions.  Although it's a longish poem, it didn't seem to go on at great length:  it flowed very nicely, and each word seems well placed and filled with meaning.  You guided us through a series of events and impressions wonderfully.  Loved this!  Don't tinker anymore (except for taking out the comma after "Its voice" in the last stanza).  Otherwise, this is great!  All your hard work has paid off!  =)

Ashley

Forrest Cain
Member
since 2000-04-21
Posts 306
Chas.,W.V. USA
5 posted 2001-04-06 05:02 PM


Debbie it's nice to see you back. I was
wondering what happened to you. Thanks for
your kind comments.

thanks
forrest

Ashley thanks for your encouraging review.
I will remove the comma. I've stumbled
around with this one for six months.

thanks
forrest


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