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A new member and his poem
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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A new member and his poem |
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AWood0813 Junior Member
since 2001-02-23
Posts 21 |
White Rose In the weedy meadow a white rose blooms innocent and pure the guise it assumes intrigued by the beauty of the flower I walked closer and watched the color fade away from white to something much lower to an altogether different shade a soiled brown, which left me disheartened and knowing that this change was all my fault I wished, and implored, and begged, and bargained but I could not bring the change to a halt so I sit and cry till the break of dawn wondering where the innocence has gone. Please critque and tell me what you think AWood0813 |
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| © Copyright 2001 AWood0813 - All Rights Reserved | |||
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epoet Member
since 2000-05-11
Posts 291grand rapid,MI, usa |
interesting poem. It's a little vague on what you are trying to convey. Are you talking about how sad it is when innocence is lost or something that i missed? Great flow and presentation of imagery. P. J. Kotrch carpe diem A soul once touched is a soul once blessed by love |
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Marq Member
since 1999-10-18
Posts 222 |
Well done! Excellent first post. Keep posting and I'm sure we'll find plenty to comment on but I don't have any quarrels with this. Good luck! |
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AWood0813 Junior Member
since 2001-02-23
Posts 21 |
The innocence of a new relationship. New relationships are of a sort like none other. The thrill of discovering the nature and inner secrets of the other person. But the fading of color is discovering the others fatal flaws ultimitely leading to the end as you sit and wonder "What went wrong". |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Welcome to CA! You asked for a critique so here's what I have to offer: In the weedy meadow a white rose blooms --not a bad start, the rose makes me cringe but I have a picture already and your meter is certainly acceptable. innocent and pure the guise it assumes --no punctuation? Be careful not to let the rhyme decide the line, I can see no other reason for this inversion. intrigued by the beauty of the flower --given that you end that thought and begin another. I wish you have continued with the description rather than switch to your reaction (or if you want, the speaker's reaction).  I walked closer and watched the color fade --This might be an interesting time thing but I don't see you playing with it all that much. You also should be careful and describe the whiteness more carefully -- certain types of white fade, I agree, but it's rather disconcerting when read here. away from white to something much lower --lower? Are you letting the rhyme take over again? Again possible but you probably want to expand on this image here. to an altogether different shade --don't see the point of this line. a soiled brown, which left me disheartened --the connotation of soiled is different one to get around here; it creates quite a different reaction than the one I think you intend here. and knowing that this change was all my fault --you lost me here. You were walking to the flower and it changed before your eyes and now it's your fault? Your explanation later tells me what you mean but that doesn't help the poem. Make sure the allegory works well within the poem as well as as a metaphor. I wished, and implored, and begged, and bargained --I like this line. Perhaps expand this idea a bit more. At this point, though I'd let the poem go it's own way than keeping it restricted to the kind of ideas you are presenting in your explanation. but I could not bring the change to a halt --given the images of the poem as stated, why would you think that you could. See above. so I sit and cry till the break of dawn --I think you're getting caught up in the rhyme again. wondering where the innocence has gone. --And yet the way you describe it, it seems that you know where the innocence has gone -- the flower's dead. I like the initial image and really think you should drop the rhyme (how many times have I said that) and work on the image in the meadow -- describe the weeds, the flower in detail and maybe switch to some kind of bargaining structure -- possession, ownership might interesting side themes to pursue. Just an opinion, Brad |
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AWood0813 Junior Member
since 2001-02-23
Posts 21 |
Thnx for the thoughtfull insights Brad. I will probably be writing a new version of the poem(without the rhyme of course)and will gladly post it back when it is done. Please feel free to critque my next poem. LOL I'm sure there will be much to fix in it. Thnx again AWood0813 |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hello AWood, Just another "Welcome to CA." I see that you already got some advice from Brad. I really don't have anything to add. I think I'll wait for the rewrite. Hope to see more from you soon. Also, hope you will jump right in and lend some advice to the rest of us. Pete Imagination is more important than knowledge Albert Einstein |
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Skyfyre Senior Member
since 1999-08-15
Posts 1906Sitting in Michael's Lap |
Hello, and welcome! Comment I would, but alas, Brad hath stolen my thunder. I shall instead console you with the knowledge that rhyming poetry is the most difficult to master, especially with the goal of pleasing these stolid fellows (myself included LOL). Excellent first attempt – I'll keep an eye out for the rewrite. Linda |
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Irish Rose Member Patricius
since 2000-04-06
Posts 10263 |
This is what I would do were this my poem A white rose blooms in the meadow; innocent and purely untouched; I am intrigued by the flower's beauty. I drew closer and watched the color fade from white to dark soiled brown. I was disheartened knowing I was the reason for the fading rose. I wished (you had this way too telly) for this rose to be restored to purity, I wish I could do it. Kathleen Blake "When red-haired girls scamper like roses over the rain-green grass, and the sun drips honey." Laurie Lee [This message has been edited by Kathleen (edited 03-08-2001).] |
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Forrest Cain Member
since 2000-04-21
Posts 306Chas.,W.V. USA |
Welcome to C.A. Overall I liked this and look forward to more. forrest [This message has been edited by Forrest Cain (edited 03-08-2001).] |
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