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YeshuJah Malikk
Member

since 2000-06-29

Posts 263

0 posted 2001-02-23 02:41 PM

Which moment did you miss?
Was it the time you kissed her
and didn't notice that she closed
her eyes, 'cause you closed yours too,
almost passing out in the mutual clinch?

Perhaps its that Tahitian night
when you stared upon his sleeping face,
levitating upon the rise and fall of his chest,
totally inebriated by his scent,
as he lay in sleep's dreamscape.

Or was it when you woke up
a thousand years later
and discovered that neither of you
had a handle on forever?

Maybe it was those times you made love
as though you were at war,
letting yourselves go to the ebb
of each other's flow;
knowing you'd both said silent goodbyes,
in hearts bowed in devotion to 'an other'

Which moment did you miss?

Not A Poet
Member Elite

since 1999-11-03

Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA

1 posted 2001-02-23 04:29 PM

Hi YM,

Well, that first stanza brought back the most vivid vision of that first real kiss, more years ago than I am willing to admit, even to myself. But after that you lost me a bit. You started out speaking to "him" but then you changed to "her" in the second stanza. I think I understand your motive there but don't think it worked as well as it might.

Then, I like this,

quote:
Or was it when you woke up
a thousand years later
and discovered that neither of you
had a handle on forever?

but I can't say why as it just seems a little out of place, if you understand.

Then in the next stanza, I like the image of "love and war" but the rest of it doesn't make as much sense to me.

Finally, I don't like the repetition in the last line, at least not by itself.

OK, just my opinion.

Pete

warmhrt
Senior Member

since 1999-12-18

Posts 1563

2 posted 2001-02-24 09:57 AM

Yesh,

I liked this. It was as if you were speaking to all the lovers in the world, and telling them to relish every moment of a relationship, for it, like life, does not last forever.

I loved this line in the second stanza:
"levitating upon the rise and fall of his chest,
totally inebriated by his scent,"

and in the next stanza I thought the "handle on forever" phrase was clever.

In the final stanza, the word 'an other' kind of threw me...is that a typo? Do you just mean 'another'?

This is a bit of a cynical slant on relationships, but with a smattering of truth, I'm sure.

Kris

"It is wisdom to know others;
It is enlightenment to know one's self" - Lao Tzu

J.L. Humphres
Member

since 2000-01-03

Posts 201
Alabama

3 posted 2001-02-24 02:51 PM

Yesh,
I think the idea of speaking to both male and female in this poem is a great idea. I really liked this one the imagery is great. Good job poet.
J.L.H.

Jason
God is a warm whisper from the cool void.
Jack Kerouac

YeshuJah Malikk
Member

since 2000-06-29

Posts 263

4 posted 2001-02-26 12:11 PM

Pete, I know the feeling. I'm sorry the rest of the poem didn't ressonate with you,
but I'm glad that you found a few lines to your liking. Thanks for reading and commenting.

Kris, thank you for reading and commenting on the poem. I appreciate the kind comments.
And yes, the message is partly about cherishing what you have. Its also a kind of look back.
'an other' at the end of the poem is not a typo. I just wanted to place emphasis on the concept
in a different way.

Jason, I did not want to make it a poem that only spoke to one sex and not the other,
relationships are usually between two people so I wanted to involve both. Thank you for your kind
comments and for reading the poem.

Brad
Member Ascendant

since 1999-08-20

Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea

5 posted 2001-02-28 08:42 PM

I agree with Pete here. That one stanza sings -- perhaps use it as a refrain or something or follow the rhythm and see what happens in a form poem. I also liked the 'an other' part -- it opens up several possibilities. Nevertheless, it seems that this is an "in between" poem in that you haven't quite decided to follow the imagery and screw the rhythm or vice versa. The best poetry of course can do both but if you decide to write another draft I suggest you choose one or the other as a base and work from there.

Or even better try it both ways.

Just an opinion,
Brad

Skyfyre
Senior Member

since 1999-08-15

Posts 1906
Sitting in Michael's Lap

6 posted 2001-03-01 12:34 PM

I liked everything but the repeated line. Use it first, or last, but not both.

The switch in perspective was unexpected but effective – gave me enough pause to notice but not enough to stumble.

This is just personal preference, but I think ‘sleep's' is unnecessary in the last line of stanza two. "As he lay in dreamscape" does it just fine for me.

Thanks for the read.

Linda

Marq
Member

since 1999-10-18

Posts 222

7 posted 2001-03-01 07:39 PM

I liked this! I don't have any serious criticism.

Zinsser
Senior Member

since 2001-02-27

Posts 1641
Calif.

8 posted 2001-03-05 01:55 PM

I really like this poem. I think it is great the way it is...I love the switch from male to female...I love the sad but get a clue feel of it... breath and take it all in... dont miss a moment... That is just my humble opinion...

Thank You
~~~Connie~~~

YeshuJah Malikk
Member

since 2000-06-29

Posts 263

9 posted 2001-03-06 12:12 PM

Thanks to all who read and responded to this poem. Your comments are greatly appreciated. I will take a swing at polishing this using some of the ideas presented to me.

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