Some Critiquing Work for Pete....A Sonnet

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warmhrt
Senior Member

since 1999-12-18

Posts 1563

0 posted 2001-02-22 08:14 PM

Pete,
I heard your call to come out and play, so here I am...please be gentle...I'm a little rusty at sonnet writing.

(Actually, everything I've written of late seems to be lacking)

It is a dream that haunts me in the light,
The shadows stretch like fingers reaching in
To take me back to visions of the night,
And I will then relive the scene again.

We sat together closely 'neath blue skies,
Eyes held each other's gaze; our hands were clasped,
You leaned in for a kiss; I closed my eyes,
When nothing touched my waiting lips, I gasped.

My eyes, they fluttered open; I could see
That you had disappeared; skies had grown dark,
And bolts of lightening were surrounding me;
Alone and lost, fear turned to terror stark.

I know that it was just a dream, and yet
My eyes stay open till our lips have met.

Kris

"It is wisdom to know others;
It is enlightenment to know one's self" - Lao Tzu

[This message has been edited by warmhrt (edited 02-22-2001).]

Not A Poet
Member Elite

since 1999-11-03

Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA

1 posted 2001-02-23 12:19 PM

Hi Kris,

Well, you put me on the spot here. Actually, I guess I asked for it. As usual, you sell yourself short. I like what I see but this one is not perfect. I do have some suggestions (imagine that) but I really have to do some work for my employer today. I want to study it a bit and will get back later with some ideas.

Pete

Not A Poet
Member Elite

since 1999-11-03

Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA

2 posted 2001-02-23 05:33 PM

OK, I'm back and have a few minutes. I've read it a few more times and each time I like it a little more. OK, I said it isn't perfect so I'll try to explain why.

The first quatrain is pretty close though. The words and images are excellent. I like the natural sounding run-on from L2 to L3. To be picky, I would use where to start L4 instead of and. Just a personal preference, maybe it just sounds a little more significant or something. Your beginning seems a little weak to me though. If I try to read the first foot as iambic, it IS, then it seems that I have to force it to come out that way. The wording isn't strong enough to work as a spondee, IT IS. To read it naturally, I am left with really stressing neither syllable. This is probably acceptable but I think with a minor revision you can correct it. For example try,

It's just a dream that haunts me in the light,

although that particular choice might alter your intent, something stronger than is will make it read more naturally.

Now, in Q2, you took some liberties with the meter (IMHO) I scan it thus.

We SAT / to-GET/her CLOSE/ly 'NEATH / BLUE SKIES,
EYES HELD / each OT/her's GAZE; / our HANDS / were CLASPED,
You LEANED / in FOR / a KISS; / i CLOSED / my EYES,
When NO/thing TOUCHED / my WAIT/ing LIPS, / i GASPED.

A couple of well-placed spondee feet in there. I like it much. Expertly breaks up what could be the monotony of pure IP.

Then in Q3, you again bend the meter but not so successfully this time. Specifically L2 seems to scan thus.

That YOU / had DIS/ap-PEARED; / SKIES had / grown DARK,

I don't like the trochee in F4. I suggest rewording along the lines,

That you had disappeared and skies grown dark,

or something like that. Then in the next line,

"And bolts of lightening were surrounding me;"

I want to stress were in order to be true to the IP but I find that a bit awkward. This may be just a bit too picky but you might consider rewording so a stronger word would replace were in that context.

Finally, the couplet is delightful. I would, however, alter it slightly as follows.

I know that it was all a dream, and yet
My eyes stay open till our lips have met.

I just substituted all for just in the first line. This is because I used just a dream in the opening line and don't think it deserves repeating here. That may not be correct, however.

Of course, this is all just my humble opinion and you made me do it. When I asked you to come out and play, I didn't think you would actually make me work. But thanks for the exercise and for the truly enjoyable sonnet. I wish I had written it.

Pete

Imagination is more important than knowledge
Albert Einstein

[This message has been edited by Not A Poet (edited 02-23-2001).]

warmhrt
Senior Member

since 1999-12-18

Posts 1563

3 posted 2001-02-24 09:43 AM

I welcome critiques from others also. This was not intended solely for critique by Pete.

Hi Pete,

Thank you so very much for the detailed critique. I sincerely appreciate the time you took to help me with this.

Your suggestions are right on. I will probably use most of them, especially the word changes in the first line and in the first line of the couplet.

When it comes to classic poetry, or any other, for that matter, I always know that you can help out, and I thank you again, dear friend. For you to say that you wish you had written it is high praise!

Kris

"It is wisdom to know others;
It is enlightenment to know one's self" - Lao Tzu

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