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Greg_s
Junior Member
since 2000-11-23
Posts 36
Los Angeles, CA

0 posted 2001-02-15 09:21 PM


Morning cats crawl through the window
Creeping and agile—they are hollow and they purr.
I curse the porous curtains.
The last sleepy tide washes open eyes—abates
Leaves me alone to waking dreams.
The poet is to enter soon, poignant and magnetic.
She’ll ask, “Aren’t you full of questions?”
I’ll move—my head, shakes timid—respond:
“I was never ready.”
Too much moon waiting.
The poetic exit. I go back,
Once more to de-claw the sun.


© Copyright 2001 Greg Sargent - All Rights Reserved
Severn
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704

1 posted 2001-02-16 10:39 PM


Me likes...

Oh and hi and welcome to passions.

Your style is good here..interesting, and for a short poem it works well.

I have a few suggestions.

First thing - your first line is good, however I wonder if Morning cats should become a compound word ie: Morning-cats. Maybe even moon waiting in the second last line, though that could make the entire poem seem to have TOO many hyphens and compound word. Still, I'll put it in at the end when I wrap this all up and we can see how it comes out.

Secondly, your poem has a mix of punctuation here - it's a little inconsistent. For example your last two lines are separated by a comma after 'I go back' - whereas earlier lines are not and it is a little confusing. For example:

'The last sleepy tide washes open eyes—abates'

seems to read as if it needs a comma. Also - I would be inclined to separate your hyphen so it reads as eyes - abates or eyes- abates.

Otherwise it takes the form of a compound word, though for an experimental sake I can see the effect.

Your poem has a moody quality which I think could be heightened if you increased the flow through removing the capital letters at the start of lines that aren't the beginning of new sentences.

Eg:

Morning cats crawl through the window
Creeping and agile—they are hollow and they purr.

could become:

Morning cats crawl through the window,
creeping and agile—they are hollow and they purr.

I'd also include a comma there just to work with the consistency of punctuation.

Although I was a litte unsure at first about the frequency of your very short sentences on a second reading I found that the way you have aligned your sentences is excellent over all. I have a suggestion for line 2 and that concerns the repetition of the word 'they.' I'd suggest removing the second as it is a bit obvious and overburdening for the line.

So, if we were to put all my suggestions together this is how the poem would look:

Morning-cats crawl through the window,
creeping and agile— they are hollow and
purr.
I curse the porous curtains.
The last sleepy tide washes open eyes— abates,
leaves me alone to waking dreams.
The poet is to enter soon, poignant and magnetic.
She’ll ask, “Aren’t you full of questions?”
I’ll move—my head, shakes timid— respond:
“I was never ready.”
Too much moon-waiting.
The poetic exit. I go back,
once more to de-claw the sun.

Please tell me what you think...

K



...and I have found that a lifetime can be lived in one moment...

T.G.M.


[This message has been edited by Severn (edited 02-16-2001).]

Pearls_Of_Wisdom
Member
since 2000-09-02
Posts 175

2 posted 2001-02-17 05:12 PM


Hello there Greg_s,

I found this poem interesting and sort of cryptic, which is usually a good thing, although I found this hard to understand at different points. For example, "The last sleepy tide washes open eyes—abates" (What abates? The tide?) and "my head, shakes timid" (What is shaking? The poet or his head?). At these points I got a little stuck and confused. I agree that changing all or some of your dashes to commas might help, because using one where the other is needed can change the meaning. I liked the mysterious mood you created, though, and the feeling of anticipation I had while reading it. Interesting imagery of cats as the morning / sun (I think). Anyway, perhaps a few small changes would allow the true power and message of this poem to really come across. Care to let us in on what you had in mind with this one? Thanks for sharing.

Ashley

Greg_s
Junior Member
since 2000-11-23
Posts 36
Los Angeles, CA
3 posted 2001-02-17 05:34 PM


Sevrern- Thank you very much for your comments. I agree with you very much that morning cats should be hyphenated, as well as moon waiting. I think those will be valuable additions. I will also rework the poem with fewer captial letters beginning the sentences. However, I am disinclined to changing the second line as per your suggestion. I understand why you say that the second "they" seems obvious, yet to my ear, without it the line seems incorrect. I think (although I don't know the formal rules here) that to drop the "they" would require me to change "purr" to its gerund, purring. This may sound odd, but I feel that to say purring is to tell the reader more than is required of their inteligence. Also, I think that purring as a word would interject more feelings of time than I want in the poem, since purring is an ongoing action. I felt "purr" was best because it did not give away too much, and was not time dependent. However, I will put a comma at the end of the first line.

Pearls_Of_Wisdom- I am glad you felt this poem to be somewhat cryptic. I didn't intend it to be overly much, but I think you gathered a correct feel for it. I believe your confusion over what abates can be solved with a comma after abates. I did mean the sleepy tide, and I thought that the dash was an interesting and fresh connector. As for "my head, shakes timid" I think should be remedied by removing the comma. I want that clause to have a run-on feel, perhaps some urgency that is felt by the speaker trying to answer the Poet's question. I believe that you have read this poem well; the morning cats are the morning sun. Hence the last image of the speaker trying to de-claw the sun. But of course, he cannot. This question goes along with the mystic feeling, but could this encounter have been a dream? Is this poem accomplished in a dream state rather than a waking one? Thank you very much for your reading and suggestions. Both of you have been very helpful.

Pearls_Of_Wisdom
Member
since 2000-09-02
Posts 175

4 posted 2001-02-18 03:00 PM


Hello again,

I've got an idea about line 2, because I do think it seems to have a lot of syllables. What about taking out the second "and" instead of the second "they"? I thought of "they purr and are hollow" as well, but I don't know about that one. The third option is still taking out the second "they", but you're right, it is a little confusing saying purr insead of purring. Or... You could take out the hollow thing, but maybe you feel that's important to the meaning, what with the unreal mood and all.

Yes, I thought it worked as a dream. It's interesting in another way, too, because (although this is just my interpretation) this poem seemed to be also about writing poetry. Imagination is itself a kind of dream, as is writing or reading the poem. So that makes it unreal, too, because a story or a poem is a kind of fantasy. Looking at it this way, the woman could be a muse or some other embodiment of creativity. I really think that creating does involve asking questions. "I was never ready" reminds me of the courage it takes not only to ask questions but to listen to and write down the answer you get, sometimes in a poem. What do you think of this interpretation?

Yep. I've read it a few times now and there's a lot in there for such a short poem. It's really open to interpretation and could have an unlimited number of meanings depending on who reads it.

Ashley

Greg_s
Junior Member
since 2000-11-23
Posts 36
Los Angeles, CA
5 posted 2001-02-18 03:24 PM


Pearls- As of now, I'm still not sure what I want to do with the second line. I think I will wait a couple days, then present the poem in my creative writing class and see what the students and professor have to say.

I believe that you have read this poem very well. The poem is about the creative process. Often times I learn something about my own poetry through hearing other peoples interpretations. I liked your connection of the Poet to a Muse. That was not on my mind, but I think that works well for a reading. I wanted this poem to be somewhat surreal in order to blur the line between wakefulness and sleep. In that inbetween place is where inspiration hits, so often. And finally, I felt that the speakers unreadiness was a manifestation of self-doubt and recognition of his own inferiority to the established Poet. I did not think that his realizations were bad; we all have self-doubt, we all are at times, inferior. However, I think that this meeting between master and journeyman strengthens the speakers resolve to try once more, to try harder. To de-claw the sun would seem an impossible task, yet if he could do it, or find out a question along the way, then he would be that much better a poet, that much better a person.

I like your interpretation, and I think you understand it very well. I am grateful for the time you have given to reading it, and for the suggestions you have made. I will update the post when I know better what to do with the second line. Thanks again.

Greg

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