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Passions in Poetry

Making Dinner

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Brad
Member Ascendant
since 08-20-99
Posts 5896
Jejudo, South Korea


0 posted 02-11-2001 08:43 PM       View Profile for Brad   Email Brad   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions  View IP for Brad

We were supposed to go out last night,
She wanted octopus in a pepper sauce,
But out at the bus stop she changed her mind.

We almost ordered take out Chinese,
I wanted the prawns in spicy, garlic sauce,
But she walked away, "Not enough money, today."

Staring at the floor, tears on the inside
Of glasses poised to fall off the bed,
She said nothing to whatever I said.

Outside, I smoked a cigarette confused
Because my wallet was full and I was not,
"Honey, what do you want if I cook tonight?"

I made a mushroom omelet with rice,
Peppers, garlic, and tabasco for some spice.
She returned, I offered, she declined, I offered.

She watched the television in Korean,
Glanced at me, my meal, the book by Fish,
She smiled and struggled closer to me.

She took my hand to touch her belly,
"Watching you eat makes Lynne a little hungry,"
And I rose to make dinner again.



[This message has been edited by Brad (edited 02-11-2001).]
© Copyright 2001 Brad - All Rights Reserved
dreamer1 12 5 24
Member
since 12-11-2000
Posts 172
crossing between


1 posted 02-12-2001 12:28 AM       View Profile for dreamer1 12 5 24   Email dreamer1 12 5 24   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for dreamer1 12 5 24

Hey Brad!
I like this poem, it's nice. I have no critique and i guess you didn't post this here to hear me say it's good and ramble. So yes, I liked it, but sorry, I can't critique it.

....peace as a primary objective is dangerous because it implies that we would sacrifice anything for the sake of it....
Robert Kaplan
Brad
Member Ascendant
since 08-20-99
Posts 5896
Jejudo, South Korea


2 posted 02-12-2001 01:18 AM       View Profile for Brad   Email Brad   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Brad

Thanks dreamer, this is my first poem about my wife's pregancy.

On critiqueing: Yeah, that's certainly the philosophy -- critique, criticize, find something that you think can be improved or at least do differently. However, few people seem to do this. If you find something later, please come back and tell me.  Of course, if you find that it stays with you please tell me that too.  

Brad
Not A Poet
Member Elite
since 11-03-1999
Posts 4427
Oklahoma, USA


3 posted 02-12-2001 01:09 PM       View Profile for Not A Poet   Email Not A Poet   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Not A Poet's Home Page   View IP for Not A Poet

Hi Brad,

Is this the first pregnancy? I think you have done a good job of capturing the moodiness of the condition as well as the sometimes frustration and confusion we deal with in that condition.

I had a question about one of the lines.

quote:
She smiled and struggled closer to me.



Did the struggle have to do with her difficulty of moving? If so then she is probably pretty far along. I think I would like to know that for sure rather than guess. Maybe a bit more of a hint as to her condition. Enjoyed reading about it a lot more than I did experiencing it myself. I'm sure that also would be my wife's opinion.  But, that was a long time ago.

Thanks,
Pete


J.L. Humphres
Member
since 01-03-2000
Posts 202
Alabama


4 posted 02-12-2001 05:13 PM       View Profile for J.L. Humphres   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for J.L. Humphres

Brad,
  I'm afraid I don't really have much for you in way of critique. I do have a question.
  Why "Not enough money, today" if your "wallet is full"?
  Also a suggestion:
    "Because my wallet was full and I was not"
  This line hints that you may be empty of spirit instead physically empty, and I think you intended the empty stomach aspect. Perhaps adding a word could help.
  I really enjoyed the read and wish you and your family all the best.
                            J.L.H.
            

  

Jason
God is a warm whisper from the cool void.
Jack Kerouac
Skyfyre
Senior Member
since 08-15-99
Posts 1966
Sitting in Michael's Lap


5 posted 02-13-2001 07:15 PM       View Profile for Skyfyre   Email Skyfyre   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Skyfyre

Brad:

I liked this. It was quiet, real; you didn't try to overcomplicate the subject.

I did have a bit of a hard time placing the third stanza, though ... were the "tears" referring to you, or to her..? Or was it ... um ... condensation or something..? LOL

I can see how it might relate to her; a pregnant woman's emotions are unstable at best (said from experience here). In context, though, I thought it was a little unclear. Maybe it's just me.

Linda


Remember: maintaining a positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will certainly annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.
warmhrt
Senior Member
since 12-18-1999
Posts 1566


6 posted 02-13-2001 08:02 PM       View Profile for warmhrt   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for warmhrt

Brad,

I found this look at a pregnant woman's lability and the spouse's confusion to be easily related to, and well-written, in a very simplistic sense.

I enjoyed the reference's to the food (different, to say the least), and the way the spouse, though understandably confused, does everything he can to assuage the situation. This is close to being a classic scenario in a pregnancy.

Nice read,
Kris

"It is wisdom to know others;
It is enlightenment to know one's self" - Lao Tzu
Forrest Cain
Member
since 04-21-2000
Posts 311
Chas.,W.V. USA


7 posted 02-19-2001 06:18 PM       View Profile for Forrest Cain   Email Forrest Cain   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Forrest Cain

Brad, been there done that. I will say you
captured the hormones perfectly and I was
really taken by the third stanza. The last
few posts I've read by you have flowed really
well and has a pleasing easy emotional tone.

What no pickle
forrest
Severn
Member Rara Avis
since 07-17-99
Posts 8273


8 posted 02-19-2001 09:00 PM       View Profile for Severn   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Severn

Hey Brad.

In all honesty, I don't really care for this as a whole, though there are some elements I enjoyed.

I appreciate it's simplicity - which seems to be a general concensus. I like very much how the many references to food deflect the emotion...there is, I am sure, a name for that technique - but I have no clue what it is lol.

I don't like the repetition of 'out' in the first stanza..

We were supposed to go out last night,
She wanted octopus in a pepper sauce,
But out at the bus stop she changed her mind.

I would lose that second 'out' - it's unnecessary - and its removal doesn't destroy the rhythm either.

Should 'take out' be 'take-out'?

I think also that 'tears' is just a little obvious as a way of conveying the emotion. Whenever a poem is about confusion and there is moisture around, somehow little tear-shaped drops seem to end up being used to metaphorically compare the subject's inner state lol...

Now though - if you do remove tears and find a word suitably ambivalent, the image therefore loses its point doesn't it? Throwing in some line about damp glasses won't do much for the poem on a whole heh. What to do, what to do. Leave it and be obvious. Remove it and have a wanton line...maybe a wanton line would be good for atmosphere? Actually, it may not be too misplaced as I think a wanton line fits in well with this line:

Glanced at me, my meal, the book by Fish,

All that is required (on your say so of course lol) is a word to replace 'tears'...

Now, as to the seeming contradiction between not enough money in wallet and wallet full...

Surely you did that intentionally to portray the fickleness of the pregnant woman? Any excuse will do kind of thing? That is how I interpreted it anyway...

I also like 'struggled' - it has many connotations - perhaps also obvious, but then this is a simplistic poem anyhow.

But really - I dislike how every line begins with a capital. It just doesn't work in my op. It would read so much easier if the sentences flowed from one line to another - the one with the tears and glasses really sticks out for example.

Okies...I'm done.

K




...and I have found that a lifetime can be lived in one moment...

T.G.M.





[This message has been edited by Severn (edited 02-19-2001).]
epoet
Member
since 05-11-2000
Posts 296
grand rapid,MI, usa


9 posted 02-22-2001 07:05 PM       View Profile for epoet   Email epoet   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for epoet

Brad, interesting read. Liked how you showed the conflicting emotions of a woman who is pregnant. Had to read this one twice to find something to say. First time through it seemed something was wrong or missing. Second time reading it found what I didn't like. The line that reads: She said nothing to what I said. Could that maybe be changed to say: She says nothing to what I say?
Just curious if this is your first child also? If so, congrats to both of you on Gods' greatest gift to mankind, a child.


P. J. Kotrch
carpe diem
A soul once touched is a soul once blessed by love


Brad
Member Ascendant
since 08-20-99
Posts 5896
Jejudo, South Korea


10 posted 02-24-2001 06:13 PM       View Profile for Brad   Email Brad   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Brad

Thanks to all who responded.

Severn,
While I agree that my repetition may have been heavy handed, dropping that out in the last line in the first stanza does change the rhythm.


But OUT at the BUS STOP she CHANGED her MIND

But AT the BUS STOP she CHANGED her MIND

Are two possible ways to read this line but I found the emphasis on 'at' to be both awkward and easily submerged in the normally stronger 'but'. For me, this changes the whole beginning of the line. In my line, I hope there is a point of tension created with the 'but out', followed by a rising moment to stop, and then a deadpan last two feet. It divides the line quite easily into three parts whereas dropping the 'out' shifts it to two parts. I sweated that one out by the way.

That doesn't mean I shouldn't just change the whole line of course.

As far as the 'tears' go, you're probably right. I was thinking about using a fairly common word in poetry in what I hoped was an interesting way but I don't think I succeeded as well as I might of (a kind of tears without tears image).

You have a problem with caps at the beginning of lines? This is a complaint that I can never quite fathom -- maybe in one or two feet lines, you might have a point, but it never really bothers me either way in longer lines. Not criticizing here, just don't see the point in arguing one way or the other. Sorry!

Appreciate all other suggestions (and of course compliments) and will take them into consideration as I begin to revise.

Brad
roxane
Senior Member
since 09-02-99
Posts 519
us


11 posted 03-24-2001 12:54 AM       View Profile for roxane   Email roxane   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for roxane

i had to go pretty fair back to see what the last thing you wrote was. i was curious though, because i haven't been on here often enough at all.
this is probably the "nicest" poem i have ever read by you, brad. your affection for your wife and unborn child really come through in this (congratulations, by the way. i just find it so warm and compassionate, i can't say a single bad thing about it. i'm glad to read your poems again.
Honeybee
Member Ascendant
since 12-26-1999
Posts 5512
Ontario, CANADA


12 posted 03-28-2001 10:47 AM       View Profile for Honeybee   Email Honeybee   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Honeybee


First, let me say congratulations to you and your wife on the pregnancy  

For the most part, I do like this poem, it tells of a real-life situation that many will relate to.
There are some lines, however, that just blend into the poem, in that, they are simplistic, yet, at the same time, you do have some clever phrasing as well. Personally, if you kept the poem as is, it would still be well written, so that choice is yours if you feel you must edit, but, I have nothing else that I deem necessary to critique~  

Has your wife seen the poem?

Take care,
Melissa~
Brad
Member Ascendant
since 08-20-99
Posts 5896
Jejudo, South Korea


13 posted 03-29-2001 10:24 PM       View Profile for Brad   Email Brad   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Brad

Thanks for the comments, Roxanne and Melissa. Quick note: my wife has read the poem, she remembers the night, and she cried.

Ya gotta love that.

Brad

PS Just had limited time right now and was concentrating on other aspects. I'll be back soon.  

Seoulair
Senior Member
since 03-27-2008
Posts 776
Seoul S.Korea


14 posted 04-24-2008 04:30 PM       View Profile for Seoulair   Email Seoulair   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Seoulair

This is exceptionally good. very very sweet.
And very clear.

 
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