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aurora rain
Member
since 2000-11-15
Posts 90


0 posted 2001-02-08 11:44 PM


“i think i’m in love with a year that never existed”

and time passed with its traumas, how often her dreams could see
a future through its paper-bag eyes and its hazy streetlamp sadness
burning its anger through morning but how long will you remember,
and how soon will you forget the ties which held us, leather and gold
and suede ribbons lapping the sky as the chains undid themselves in
a warm synesthesia when our anger shouted red and i cried.
or if i didn’t know.

and how many times will the sirens sing if i hang my ribbon on the door?
if i purse my lips and proclaim my intolerance in ivory and lavender
and if the petals fall in the dependence of my survival if i had a survival at all
and if halfway down the lane this morning i were to decide i didn’t need predilection
to cloak the hole if i would not know otherwise without you
and if i have already forgotten in the midst of this afternoon, if i have spun
your words around my finger like cloth on a singer or a trail of teacups
with their colors resounding, i think i’m in love with a year that never existed
had it been a year at all, and if i promise not to remember i wonder
how soon you will forget.


© Copyright 2001 aurora rain - All Rights Reserved
SEA
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Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 2000-01-18
Posts 22676
with you
1 posted 2001-02-09 11:48 PM


I read this in open and loved it. I think this is great!   -SEA
aurora rain
Member
since 2000-11-15
Posts 90

2 posted 2001-02-10 12:57 PM


thanks, but i put it here because i wanted someone to pull it apart bit by bit and sort of analyse it for me.  
aurora rain
Member
since 2000-11-15
Posts 90

3 posted 2001-02-11 06:27 PM


..of course, that doesn't appear to be happening.
J.L. Humphres
Member
since 2000-01-03
Posts 201
Alabama
4 posted 2001-02-12 05:03 PM


Aurora,
  I love the idea here.(Or at least what I think the idea is.) It seems to be about one of those shared moments with, say, a cashier...bartender...person in line. Just that brief time that we have all shared with someone and then walked away without exploring the possibilities.
  The "year" is the drive(walk) home when fantasy takes over and we consider what might have been.
  That stuff happens to me all the time and I think you express the complexity of that imagined relationship beautifully. Great poem.
       J.L.H.    

Jason
God is a warm whisper from the cool void.
Jack Kerouac

Potvaliant_Pen
New Member
since 2001-02-09
Posts 3

5 posted 2001-02-13 05:06 PM


Well, I hate to burst in through the heavy and noxious cloud of back-slapping, but if you want an actual opinion...

i think i’m in love with a year that never existed

Personally, I think this line is a wonderful first line, but am confused by the quotation marks. This is a quote from someone or somewhere?

and time passed with its traumas, how often her dreams could see

I don't totally understand because of the oddities of the first line. If the first line is a quote and considered separate from the body of the poem, do not begin the next line with the word "And." If you intend them all to run together into one sentence, you will need to edit your punctuation accordingly.

a future through its paper-bag eyes and its

Dreams could see a future through THEIR paper-bag eyes and THEIR hazy streetlamp sadness. If that's not what you meant to modify that verb, again you must adjust your punctuation.

hazy streetlamp sadness
burning its anger through morning but how long will you remember,
and how soon will you forget the ties which held us, leather and gold
and suede ribbons lapping the sky as the chains undid themselves in
a warm synesthesia when our anger shouted red and i cried.
or if i didn’t know.

So I've caught onto the plan. You really dig big run-on slop, yes? I strongly suggest that you first create a poem with punctuation and proper grammar. If you abhor the outcome, you can remove it, but when it is gone, you will have a poem that makes sense to the reader. This is almost impossible to read out loud because there are no inherent pauses or breaks and literally no guidance for your reader at all. It's just one big emotional mouthful pregnant with adjective and ballooning with about four different ideas at once. You ask questions with no question marks, you end sentences and begin them all at the same time, and it's fairly obvious you have not spent much time revising this yet.

and how many times will the sirens sing if i hang my ribbon on the door?
if i purse my lips and proclaim my intolerance in ivory and lavender
and if the petals fall in the dependence of my survival if i had a survival at all
and if halfway down the lane this morning i were to decide i didn’t need predilection
to cloak the hole if i would not know otherwise without you
and if i have already forgotten in the midst of this afternoon, if i have spun
your words around my finger like cloth on a singer or a trail of teacups
with their colors resounding, i think i’m in love with a year that never existed
had it been a year at all, and if i promise not to remember i wonder

Again, the long string of "if's" without even the most remote attention to punctuation or grammar is unsettling. It's like a roller-coaster ride without any sort of harness.

how soon you will forget.


Before we advance to more substantial critique, I would suggest you rewrite with an eye to punctuation and grammar. Take care with the English language. As a writer, it can be your best friend or your worst enemy. Also adjust your line breaks to make some sort of structural sense out of this run-on sentence.


Not A Poet
Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA
6 posted 2001-02-14 09:51 AM


I agree that the punctuation could use some work. Personally, I also think the long lines and rather prosey approach detract from the overall sense of the poem. Possibly shortening the lines and giving closer attention to line breaks would lend a more poetic feel. So now you have one more opinion.



Pete

Imagination is more important than knowledge
Albert Einstein

StratMatt
Member
since 1999-09-19
Posts 87
Macomb, IL, U.S.A.
7 posted 2001-02-15 05:08 AM


Well, alright, as for my reader-response. This is a very very interesting poem, and the opening line is very powerful.

The quotes really don't seem to have a place.
I like how that first line is set off as sort of an intro, but the quotes are unnecessary for that unless you are quoting someone, in which case, that same quote should be quoted later too.
As for other people's critiques, I'd have to say, it does seem like it should be their instead of its, but for some reason, the way it is written almost makes me want to take the word "dreams" as a single grouping rather than a plural version of dream, in which case, its sounds correct in my head.
Structure wise, I like the starting with and in the first stanza, maybe it's not completely gramatically correct, but this is poetry, and you're speaking about time, something with a definite past, and the "and" almost alludes to there being something before that sentence, which could imply all that has past in the writer's life or in the universe altogether. Normally, i'd have to say don't start with and, but here I think it is appropriate.

I don't mind a certain degree of run on to keep the pace of reading fast in poems that are best read quickly, but the prior critiques are correct in that it could use more punctuation. It's kind of hard to interpret where any sort of break should be, and without any, it does seem like a big mess of words just thrown together, when it's obvious that this poem is so much more.

I like the metaphor of the hazy streetlamp sadness very much and how it relates to showing an unclear, one-sided, perspective of the conflict that implied by the words: "when our anger shouted red" and the
anger shown by the lines: "burning its anger through morning but how long will you remember,
and how soon will you forget the ties which held us"
It's a powerful image when you speak of some fight that actually alienated you from someone that your anger makes you forget about the ties of love and care that hold you together, and that is the image I get here. One of someone being too proud or angry with the other person that they are unwilling in their state of passion to give in for either reason, even at the cost of losing those ties.

beyond this, I assume the leather, gold, and seude ribbons have a special meanings, but they've been lost in me.

Then comes the second stanza, If I'm way off the money on interpretting this stanza, don't be too upset, because I'm only going with my personal response to the metaphors and references, and I could very well be completely wrong here.

the second stanza appears to be a one-sided attempt at resolution, an attempt one-sided in the fashion that it seems unanswered. It has the feel to me that it might be one party's answer concerning the fight during a later, more calm meeting set to attempt to resolve this. The first line appears to be asking how many more times the writer will get lured in and hurt by becoming vulnerable. Almost like questioning the other person's sense of caring and whether they are lashing out on purpose.
then it goes on to basically saying that if it came to a point during this resolution that it looked like it might be over, that the attraction or love would be under decision whether it was necessary to live. Lastly, the lines: "i think i’m in love with a year that never existed
had it been a year at all, and if i promise not to remember i wonder
how soon you will forget."
seem to imply that if the writer just acted like it was all a dream, whether the other person would pursue or just let the love die.

If this is exactly what you meant or a reasonably close depiction that could only be closer interpretted by going through your own experiences, then this poem is even greater than I thought when I read it. I did enjoy this poem, and it struck a lot of thoughts into my mind. A lot of the metaphors and references were lost on me and I just did my best to interpret them, outside that, the only problem I see is punctuation, or a lack thereof actually.

aurora rain
Member
since 2000-11-15
Posts 90

8 posted 2001-02-15 06:19 PM


well, i appreciate the replies and commentaries everyone made.

run-on was quite the idea. run-on of emotions and feelings and just a rush. i didn't want slow pacing, i wanted it to flow as realistically as it was flowing in my head. uncontrollably.

i never knew punctuation was really an issue in poetry. i mean, look at e.e. cummings--was that poetry at all in any grammatically correct/properly punctuated? no. i have never been a fan of "structured" poetry. maybe my poetry isn't quite poetry at all. i'm more a prose person, to be honest. but my prose, at the same time, is almost poetry. i'm between some very thin lines, i suppose. but i did ask for criticism, so...

stratmatt, you hit the nail head-on with most of your interpretation. i don't particularly try to make my metaphors very clear. if it makes me a bad poet...well....that i never was aware of. all i am aware of is it differentiates me from those who use the same similes and metaphors to say the same things over and over again.

i guess i'm young (yes, i am 17) and still learning.

[This message has been edited by aurora rain (edited 02-15-2001).]

StratMatt
Member
since 1999-09-19
Posts 87
Macomb, IL, U.S.A.
9 posted 2001-02-15 10:16 PM


Well, the problems we pointed out make you a bad poet by NO means.
They simply mean you don't write like we do, and that's good and bad both. I think there's a lot to be learned from everyone in this forum, but you have to hold on to your own style.
Punctuation isn't necessary at all really. BUT, if you're writing for an audience, it makes it easier to understand for the audience if there's some sort of punctuation or form to the poem. As for the clarity of metaphors, a lot of metaphors are based on connotations and there's no need to be obvious on them all. Anything critical I wrote was my own opinion on saying how *I* would change it based on my own style. Of course it's your poem, and if I was right on most of my judgments as you said, then obviously your points were not lost by any lack of clarity or punctuation.

I really do enjoy this poem, and for the issue of youth, I'm only 19, so I'm barely your elder.

Jazzmole
Junior Member
since 2001-02-15
Posts 30
Texas
10 posted 2001-02-15 11:02 PM


Aurora, you have a good poem here. There are some fresh metaphors and good alliterations.
I think, however, that you could really tighten it up by using more powerful line breaks and excising a few superfluous words here and there. Or, did you want a line critique?
At any rate, good work here!
Michael

[This message has been edited by Jazzmole (edited 02-15-2001).]

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