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| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Page Three-hunded-thirty-five |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563
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she sat, the book in her lap, and opened it to page three-hundred and thirty-five, where, long ago, she had filed them within the huge, anonymous tome. rose petals lay before her, now brittle, faded, pressed till all signs of life had bled upon the yellowed pages, the weight atop them, too much for their sentiment to withstand. she touched them tentatively, tenuously, and, yet, they disintegrated into pieces, muted red, dingy scraps, with no tell-tale hints of what once was. the tips of her thumb and fingers rolled the pieces between them, over and over, till she’d formed a dust, a finely-ground, faded rose dust, which she let fall upon the pages where they’d laid. then, carefully, she lifted the book, took a deep, full breath, pursed her lips, and blew the dust, the petals, the rose, the sentiment, away forever. Kris "It is wisdom to know others; It is enlightenment to know one's self" - Lao Tzu [This message has been edited by warmhrt (edited 02-04-2001).] |
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| © Copyright 2001 warmhrt - All Rights Reserved | |||
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J.L. Humphres Member
since 2000-01-03
Posts 201Alabama |
Kris, I loved the last lines most of all. I conjured the image of an old spinster whose "gentleman caller" had long since stopped visiting. I really liked this poem it is very detailed. Jason Jason God is a warm whisper from the cool void. Jack Kerouac |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
I love the title and the third stanza. Okay, okay, even with the roses, this is a good one (you know me and roses). My suggestion here would be to drop most of that last stanza and let the image stand by itself without the explanation. I've been thinking a bit about your stuff and I wonder if you're not trying to combine Emily Dickinson and W. C. Williams -- might be a place to look for models? Just an opinion, Brad |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Jason, I'm glad this brought some type of imagery to you...can't say it's exactly what I had in mind, but it's close. Thak you for reading, for your kind comments, and I'm so glad you enjoyed. Brad, I'm amazed you responded positively to this one, as I know you are not one for any type of "old-fashioned" sentimentality or romanticism...and that you dislike words that are connected to either of those things. I thank you for taking the time to read (especially after the words, "rose petals"), and for offering some very good constuctive critism. However, I think I'll leave the poem intact for now...though I do value your opinions and look forward to your suggestions. Emily Dickinson is my favorite of the "immortal" poets...the other I'm not familiar with, but will be sure to look up. I really don't attempt to model after anyone, and usually write in my own, hopefully unique, style. Thanks again, Kris "It is wisdom to know others; It is enlightenment to know one's self" - Lao Tzu |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hi Kris, Once again, you almost brought a tear to my eye. A very touching scene you have painted here. I may be a hopeless sentimentalist but I have to disagree with Brad on the last stanza. I really thought that was what brought the whole thing together. Pete |
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SEA 
Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 2000-01-18
Posts 22676with you |
I really liked the feelings this had for me.............made me remember some things I'd like to be able to just blow away.  -SEA |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Pete, Congratulations, my friend!!! This is your first post on one of my threads as a moderator, and I wanted to give you my best wishes. I highly value your opinion, also, especially on romantic themes, as I do know you are a romantic. I'm so very glad you liked this one, and that it was able to carry some emotion in it's words, as well as imagery. I thank you, sir, for your kind words, and am so glad you are now one of our esteemed moderators. Sea, Yes, as I wrote this, I was thinking how wonderful it would be if we could do just that...blow away all of the feelings we don't want to be a part of us anymore. If only it were that easy! Again, thank you both, Kris  "It is wisdom to know others; It is enlightenment to know one's self" - Lao Tzu [This message has been edited by warmhrt (edited 02-07-2001).] |
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mark woolard Member
since 2001-01-02
Posts 143 |
the sentiment of blowing away the sentiment is a sentiment i posess. . . but i can never find enough air in my lungs. (-: great pome! |
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Meadowmuse Member Elite
since 1999-12-27
Posts 3263 |
Hello. How sad, this scene. One can relate easily to the image of keepsakes fading to dust through time and neglect, and your use of that as metaphor is nice. What I would suggest you consider for this piece is to give it more immediacy, more impact, by bringing it into the present. Using present-tense rather than past would allow your reader to be a more active participant. Just a few notes below for tightening, to take or leave as you see fit. (delete) [add or suggestion] she sat, the book in her lap, (and) opened (it) to page three-hundred (and) thirty-five, where, long ago, she had filed them within the huge, anonymous tome. [you're leading your reader ~ good] rose petals lay before her, now brittle, faded, pressed till all signs of life (had) bled upon the yellowed pages, the weight atop them(,) too much for their sentiment to withstand. she touched them tentatively, tenuously, [somewhat redundant but not necessarily distracting] (and,) yet, they disintegrated into pieces, muted red, dingy scraps, with no tell-tale hints of what once was. the tips of her thumb and fingers rolled the pieces between them, over and over, till she’d formed (a dust,) a finely-ground, faded rose dust, which she let fall upon the pages where they’d laid. then, carefully, she lifted the book, took a deep, full breath, pursed her lips, and blew the dust, the petals, the rose, the sentiment, away forever. I would also consider the employment of capitalization for this poem. You have used other sentence-format punctuation to assist your reader in their exploration, why not make it complete? Just a thought. It's a lovely, wistful poem. Thanks for the opportunity to read it. Claire Could a greater miracle take place than for us to look through each other's eyes for an instant?......Henry David Thoreau |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
mark, Thanks for reading and for commenting...and may you find the air! Claire, I sincerely appreciate your indepth critique, and I do agree with a few of your suggestions. I do not view this as sad...but as wistful, as another reader put it. It could even be thought of as positive...if the memories evoked by the petals were painful ones, and the subject was able to rid herself of those negative emotions just by blowing them away. As far as the capitalization goes...this is the way I write, unless I am writing in a more traditional form, such as in a sonnet. Again, I much appreciate your suggestions, and thank you for reading. Kris "It is wisdom to know others; It is enlightenment to know one's self" - Lao Tzu |
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