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Hunting Ducks
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Hunting Ducks |
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Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
One must be tempered strong to free souls and take the pain of four a.m. risings, break the baked crust of sleep before one's sleep is complete and still have the wind to blow practise calls into the mouth of a siren. I wake the scatter gun, my brush to paint a morning sky quiet, and dress like the reeds and browning leaves and warm like a full bed sleeping through autumn. I latch the pride of a kennel dog to my side and travel near, I hope, to their hostel lake and wait. Hunting statues are a dangerous art for those creatures unrefined and uncultured in the tastes of a critic with a wooden call. They come to me when they leave overhead clearly outlined and close enough for me to fire three blue steel thunder grabs that grip more tight than life and hammer down one with a blunt message of finality. Whoever that duck was now slung over my stout back, limp like it was born that way, naturally dead and morosely silent like the cold buckshot that stilled its eyes I'll never know why the dead taste so much like life? [This message has been edited by Trevor (edited 02-02-2001).] |
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| © Copyright 2001 Trevor Davis - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
An interesting outlook on a somewhat different topic. I really liked the first stanza except for the 4am. I'm reading words here and although I know what that means, my first impression is that it was a typo. I would suggest four a.m. instead. In the second stanza, I like quiet at the end of line 2 instead of on a line alone even though I think I know why you put it there. Also, I think leafs should be leaves, but that may be different in Canada. Third stanza, the last line confuses me. Should that be hostile instead of hostel? If so then I understand, otherwise I don't. But of course, that may be just me. Then the next stanza, quote: I just don't follow. I'll study it some more to see if I can figure it out though so don't give up on me yet. I'm not a hunter but with the minor exceptions stated above, I was able to follow and enjoy your description. You have a lot of unusual similies and metaphors (or at least images of some sort), for example, "break the baked crust of sleep before one's sleep is complete" and "and dress like the reeds and browning leafs and warm like a full bed sleeping through autumn." Although sometimes unexpected and unusual, they all seem to fit the context very well Very well done. Thanks for the read. Pete |
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Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
Hi Pete, Thanks for the suggestion on "4am" and the typo correction of "leafs". As for "quiet" sitting alone, gonna keep it as is for now though I appreciate your comment on it. "hostel" means a temporary boarding house for travellers. Lakes would be the ducks hostel on their way south. Thanks again for your input Pete, always appreciated. Trevor |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Hi Trev, Not much time, but I'd like to say I enjoyed the read...nice imagery and some great lines. I liked the same one as Pete did...about the crusts of sleep...nice. Gotta go...hope you stick around a while, Kris "It is wisdom to know others; It is enlightenment to know one's self" - Lao Tzu |
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sylphid Junior Member
since 2001-01-23
Posts 30 |
Well, I have to comment… I really related to the first part , in a way to the crusty thought , our gift from god, of offering us a bite ( this awakening) our next day to live, ..wow.. For the second I felt the coziness in the warmth of your autumn for a second.. And I could not quite get the whole picture on the statues and wooden call? Whereupon fire, thunder and hammer down , was so loud I had to duck my head ..reading, I loved it..as much I hated the death of the duck..sorry I was astounded for a while, but then smiled again while reading the last part… sylph |
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Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
Hello, Kris, Thanks for reading this poem, hopefully the creative juices will keep flowing and I won't have too many time constraints so I'll be able to spend a little more time here bouncing ideas and learning more about poetry with you good folks. Sylph, Thanks for your input and time. About the "Hunting statues".... "Hunting statues are a dangerous art for those creatures unrefined and uncultured in the tastes of a critic with a wooden call." Perhaps I should change it to "A hunting statue"? I was trying to capture the stillness of a hunter waiting for its prey...an art in some ways....while the prey pays no attention to the seemingly harmless inanimate object (the hunter), ignorant to the danger of the "statue". With the "wooden call" line I was trying to say that the hunter uses a false call made by a wooden decoy whistle....the "tastes of the critic" (the hunter again) is for duck...So I guess what I was trying to say was...Still hunters are dangerous to ducks that are ignorant of what hunters like to eat....Perhaps I muddled it up in the poem so any suggestions for rewrite would be appreciated. Thanks again for taking the time to read this poem. Take care, Trevor |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Back from the dead and no e-mail? that hurts, that really hurts!  baby Lynne is due April 8. More later, Brad |
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YeshuJah Malikk Member
since 2000-06-29
Posts 263 |
I swear! 'I'll never know why the dead taste so much like life' hit me like a thunder clap. The rest I'll have to go over to give you any response worth your time. |
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Forrest Cain Member
since 2000-04-21
Posts 306Chas.,W.V. USA |
This was well done and enjoyable. This would play well in Field and Stream or a like magazine. Last line was a perfect ending. forrest |
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