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Marlboro Fire.
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Marlboro Fire. |
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YeshuJah Malikk Member
since 2000-06-29
Posts 263 |
I never consciously think of her, yet the specter of her face comes to me on days when I least expect, and in the quiet of night when souls slumber at rest. For a cigarette, a lousy cigarette, she lay there, legs spread in childish irreverence, her little snatch a curly mound, seeping, weeping, as one by one the agreed upon entrants mounted and dismounted. Sometimes she flinched, but seemed most of the time to be off somewhere. I remember trying to catch in her eye any trace of a response upon which to mount my youthful ego. There was none. For a Marlboro 100. My friend promised her a pack; she only wanted one. His dad was the Captain of a sea going vessel that plied its wares off the Atlantic coast, Marlboros too. I guess he never knew his wares could be plied this far in-land at a price measured in its haunting. She wore a plain white cotton dress, short sleeved, hemline just above her knees, hair combed in two, parted down the middle, ponytail style. I'm not even sure where she fit in on the local neighborhood scene, no one told me and I didn't ask. We were seven, she was one, on the bathroom floor; I remember it well, its linoleum pattern is etched in my mind: triangles in triangles in triangles, yellow and pale brown; her pushed up against the toilet bowl- the smell of cheap disinfectant. Oh JAH, JAH! She could not have been more than thirteen; I was seventeen, the youngest of the seven. Afterwards she took one cigarette, though offered the pack, as though in strict agreement to the pact; the way her crumpled dress swayed as she walked away seems buried someplace in my mind, re-surfaces mostly on rainy days, and at night when I look upon my daughter's face. |
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| © Copyright 2001 YeshuJah Malikk - All Rights Reserved | |||
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mark woolard Member
since 2001-01-02
Posts 143 |
holy cow! this is intense! sets off all sorts of beeps and buzzers in my conscience. Yesh, if this is true, may God comfort you! just reading this made me feel a multitude of things: loneliness in conquest, confusion, and guilt for the same. . .well done in content, and never mind the critique! this poem is felt. any other comprehension, i imagine, would break me! |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Indeed, a strong poem. It captures those memories that keep creeping up on you. You do like to push the line, don't you YeshuJah? Believe it or not, I've read quite a few poems along this theme but this is certainly the best (I think primarily because the speaker is the victimizer and not the victim; I think you capture that remorse that normal people have when they realize the consequences of their actions). My one anxiety, however, is that the story takes over the poem -- did this really happen questions started creeping in my mind as well (and I pride myself on not letting that happen). This anxiety is also the poem's strength of course (the artless art). I would suggest that you leave the poem's truth value as ambiguous as possible. Don't tell us either way and let's see what happens. Discussions of poetry should be about the poetry, not the person's life. Yet, the effect is enhanced by the possibility of it being true. Brad |
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J.L. Humphres Member
since 2000-01-03
Posts 201Alabama |
YeshuJah, Brilliant!!! What is so great about this poem is it evokes those feelings everyone has had at one point in life. (Some of us more.) Perhaps in not such an extreme circumstance, but we have all used another human being, knowing it was wrong, in order to conform to our peers. You expressed the bitter disdain felt as a consequence superbly. Sublime my man. J.L.H. Jason God is a warm whisper from the cool void. Jack Kerouac |
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YeshuJah Malikk Member
since 2000-06-29
Posts 263 |
mark, thank you for your kind comments. Brad. Glad you think this good enough to rank as 'best' Your input is valuable. Jason. Thank you for reading this. I appreciate your comment on it. |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Yesh, Very emotional poem...a lot of impact. I did spot a couple of things you might wish to note. "and in the quiet of night when souls slumber at rest." Here I think you should just leave it at "souls slumber." Slumbering is, after all, at rest, right? "hair combed in two, parted down the middle, ponytail style" This is a bit confusing to me...don't understand what you mean by "hair combed in two". Perhaps your speaking of pig-tails, of which there are two. A pony-tail is usually just one gathered trail of hair at the back of the head. I found that the last two lines really took the entire poem further...the way we look at our sons and daughters...what we experienced growing up, and what we want to save them from. Enjoyed...but kinda got the creeps, too, Kris "It is wisdom to know others; It is enlightenment to know one's self" - Lao Tzu |
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Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
Gotta say I'm really jealous of this poem, jealous in a good way of course because it is such a poignant and haunting poem and I wish I had written it. I really have little to offer other than praise for an excellent poem that really gets one thinking but I'll try and point out a couple of things that you might consider changing. "and in the quiet of night when souls slumber at rest." Sounded a little bit cliched, "souls slumber" but still it fits in quite well and is easy to overlook. "her little snatch a curly mound, seeping, weeping" Consider a comma after "snatch" or a line break or perhaps rewording the line..."her little curly snatch mound, seeping, weeping"....just a suggestion. "Sometimes she flinched, but seemed most of the time to be off somewhere." Great in context but thought perhaps could be reworded to flow more smoothly. "I remember trying to catch in her eye any trace of a response upon which to mount my youthful ego." Consider using something other than "mount" because a few lines before that you used "mounted" and "dismounted" and I found the repetition noticeable...perhaps something like "thrust". "I guess he never knew his wares could be plied this far in-land at a price measured in its haunting." Same thing with "plied" here, just used it a few lines before. "the way her crumpled dress swayed as she walked away seems buried someplace in my mind, re-surfaces mostly on rainy days, and at night when I look upon my daughter's face." Damn that's such a strong ending....however it contradicts the beginning a little....you state that she appears when you least expect it but in the ending you say, "mostly on rainy days"....if you know when her memory usually appears then it can't be when you least expect it....just thought I'd point that minor detail out, it is hardly noticeable. Anyways, this is the strongest poem that I've read by you and one of the strongest poems I've read in a long time. Definetly haunting, well worded and well written. Like I stated at the beginning, I'm jealous but jealous in a good way. Excellent work, thanks for the read, take care, Trevor |
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Lerk Junior Member
since 2000-11-17
Posts 49Dayton, OH USA |
beautiful poem for such a non-beautiful memory. The only thing I might say is that I believe the person reflecting is doing so in horror to some extent, or regret, or recrimination....therefore the hypersexual descriptions of (well, I see the new forum doesnt list the poem at the bottom, so I cant quote directly from memory) "mound" and other descriptions still seem to be in the mindset of conquest rather than regret. But thats a minor, minor point. Well done! "A little folly now and then, is treasured by the wisest men" --Willy Wonka |
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mere enigma Junior Member
since 2001-01-29
Posts 18 |
Oh. Wow. This is the type of expression I strive for. I figure, whats the use of writing if you can't make people feel something? This is tragic, honest, and haunting. Thank you for sharing this with us. Mere |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Boy, I guess I'm really late in getting to this one but just been unusually busy this week. Strong, strong, indeed. I have to agree with everyone else on this one. On first reading, I was fascinated but found it uncomfortable. I know you meant it that way so, congratulations, you succeeded. Most, if not all of us, have something in our past which we reflect on uncomfortably, something we wish we could forget or that we had not experienced and that we hope our own children will not experience. You have done an outstanding job of presenting such an incident, or more likely, series of incidents. My hat's off to you, my man for an excellently told, poignant glimpse at the darker side of our lives. Now write something a little lighter so I can get my breath back again. Pete Imagination is more important than knowledge Albert Einstein |
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YeshuJah Malikk Member
since 2000-06-29
Posts 263 |
Kris, your input is valuable, I will change the whole ponytail reference so it reads correctly. DIdn't mean to deliver the creeps. Trevor, I willedit this poem paying special attention to the things you pointed out. Your observations have more clearly pointed out the changes I need to make. Thank you for your input. Lerk, yes. The character does does feel the emotions you mentioned. Thanks fo reading the poem. Enigma, this type of expression is something I too strive for on a sustained basis. Alas, I only seem to be able to produce it on rare occasions. Thank you for reading the poem. Pete, thank you. I shall try to return to the lighter side. Thank you all for your input. Your observations are invaluable to me. |
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